40 year old male with security issues

by Tammy
(Kansas City, Kansas)

My husband turn 40 about 8 months ago. Since then he has been eying women while I am with him, on porn sites, consistently working out to stay in shape, concerned about his appearance, etc. He also makes me feel unattractive by not giving me compliments when I am dressed to go out with him, staring ridiculously in other women's eyes when we are together, and mostly younger women. He also started acting suspicious of me, checking my phone and coming behind me seeing what I am doing on the internet. I cannot even hold his phone without him having a fit, he hides what he is doing on the internet and he texts all the time. Could you tell me what the HECK is going on? Oh and he has tons of porn on his email and his friends are all cheaters. They recently been caught and have been seeking his advice. I am 40 also and I feel beautiful and secure with myself and do not understand what is up with him... help! He is bringing my self esteem down dramatically. I don't need this in my life right now or ever. I wish he just hit the door and go find happiness because he is making me miserable!

Noel's response

It sounds as though he is going through a midlife crisis (as opposed to a simple midlife transition). My guess is he is very worried about getting older and losing his sex appeal and virility.

Have you talked to him about it, and explained (using "I statements") the effect his actions have on you?

I understand his 'symptoms' can be hard on your self-esteem, but only if you let it. If you do not take it personally, it will not bother you as much.

And as with all things, this too shall pass.