40 YEARS TOGETHER AND HE HAS HAD A MIDLIFE CRISIS

My husband and I have been together since we were 16 and 17 for 40 years. We have two beautiful adult children, they have good jobs and never given us any trouble. We also have a beautiful grandchild 2 years old. Last June my husband informed me that he had contacted a lady that he knew when he was 14 whose husband had recently passed away. At this stage he had visited her twice behind my back when I found out. When I confronted him his immediate reaction was to say her embrace was fresh and that he had strong feelings for her. He had seen her for 1 hr on the two occasions! He left the home and went to live with his sister and conducted an affair in front of me and our children. I asked if he would give our marriage a chance and we would go to counseling. He constantly blames me saying I didn't show him love like she is doing. He also said the sex with her was Amazing, spontaneous, warm, lengthy and like nothing he ever had with me. He never indicated to me that he was unhappy until he met this women. Several times he said we could try but each time this women was still texting him and him her. I gave him 4 chances and now I think my only option is a divorce. I firmly believe this women is vulnerable and he has enjoyed feeling needed by her. I have decided to divorce and he keeps crying saying I haven't given him enough time to make his mind up. It has been 8 months now and my life and our children's life have been in turmoil because we all thought we had the perfect marriage. We did everything together, we were never apart. Confused and heartbroken.


Noel's response

I suspect he finds this woman so attractive because she makes few, if any, demands on him. Sex is almost always 'wonderful' with a new partner, simply because of its newness. It is the same for women and men.

Your decision to file for divorce may precipitate him thinking seriously about whether he really does want to be with her. If he decides he does, and then his relationship with her ends and he wants to come back to you, you can decide at that time whether you are willing to take him back. if you are divorced by then, you can always get remarried.

Comments for 40 YEARS TOGETHER AND HE HAS HAD A MIDLIFE CRISIS

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Jul 05, 2012
40 years also.....
by: Anonymous

I have also been married 40 years. We did not acknowledge this anniversary (June) because of his affair.
In March his lover sent me an envelope filled with photos and her blog about their last year together. The note said it was from a concerned friend which we all know is never the case. I actually had an out of body experience viewing all of this shocking information. This affair turned out to be different for my husband because it came with a month by month description for me! He was not aware that she was posting all of this on the Internet. He did not find out about her 'blog' until I did. He was working in a neighboring state and I was against it from the start, but he kept saying we need the money and the benefits. At first he stayed in a hotel a few nights a week and the he rented a room in an apartment. He said he was going stir crazy and was lonely so he started going to a 'shag' club. Big mistake! What 65, yes 65 year old man starts going to a shag club. Well, one thing leads to another and now the 'whore' and him start conversing which leads to everything else. He told me they made out n the car.....imagine that sight! Remember he said we needed the money.....well he stole a lot of money from us for this affair. Hotel rooms, weekends away, and gifts to keep the whore happy. All the while I am at home making excuses for him not being at our neighborhood events and watching what I spend! I was never suspicious, because I never thought this would happen to us. He lied to this piece of garbage woman so she thought he was going to ask me for a divorce and stay with her......we never spoke of divorce or separation. This desperate woman knew he was married and she continued with this relationship. She wrote about this in her blog.
Yes, our marriage was going through a flat phase, but we have been there before and always came out the other end better than before. Well, not this time! This piece of trash continued to post comments on our pictures of us at community events, and on her own picasa site. I was obsessed with looking at these pictures of the two of them together smiling and arms around each other knowing that I was here feeling sorry for him up there working. I do not like being made a fool of. He has been in therapy and realizes now that if he treated me the way he treated the other woman he would have received the same and even better results. He now treats me like I should have been treated. But, it may be too late..It is painful, but like I tell him, I wasn't there and I need to know. As of this post I am not sure the marriage will work. He has lost my respect and trust. I will never forget!
They say the best revenge is that he ended the affair and that no matter how bad our marriage was in his mind....he chose to stay with me. He has not seen her since the day before I received the "envelope"! I pray every day for strength to get through this devastating time!

Jun 17, 2012
I'm in the same boat
by: Anonymous

My husband had been living with this woman and her 15 yr old son for 9 months...Aug 30, will be a complete year. He has told me that he wanted to live the rest of his life with her but yet he
still wants hugs and kisses and will come by for a few months each evening for a hug & kiss. We have a business together so it's real hard having to see and be around him all day. I tell him he doesn't have to do this to satisfy my need and he
has always said well I want to.

You didn't say how long it was before you filed for divorce...I am trying to push off the divorce because of splitting up our business and also to keep as much as I can from her. She has not put a second into making our business what it is and now there is a chance she will/could get half of it some day.

Jun 17, 2012
40 years together and my husband left
by: Anonymous

I want to update you on my story 40 years together and he has had a midlife crisis.

It has been nearly 12 months and my husband has finally finished with his lady friend for 5 weeks now. He is still going to councilling on his own because he needed to know why he did what he did.
He still tells me this lady was vulnerable and that he had very low self esteem and thats why it happened. In the last 12 months he has done nothing but blame me, however, now he is saying he knows where he went wrong and that he loves me and our family and is very sorry for what he did.
I am part way through a divorce and now more confused than ever. I realise that we need to do more things together and enjoy each others company and I believe it could work. My family and friends are so hurt with what he has put me through that they think he is only coming back because of the money!
I have explained that our marriage has been broken and if he genuinely thinks anything for me then he would allow this to go through then we could pick up the pieces. I feel I need to be in control. I'm happy that he is now seeing sense but wonder why? Noel can you give me more advice please?

Noel's response

I don't know that I have much advice. If you decide to re-build your relationship I suggest that you take lots of time, and use a marriage counselor to help you talk about what you want your relationship to be like going forward.


Mar 13, 2012
how do i know he still wants to stay with me?
by: Anonymous

WOW WOW WOW SOUNDS LIKE MY HUSBAND EXCEPT WE FIGHT WHEN WE ARE NOT MAKING LOVE,WE ARE BOTH GOING THROUGH THE CHANGE AND WE ARE BOTH INSECURE OF EACH OTHER AND WE HAVE BOTH BEEN FAITHFULL TO EACH OTHER.WHY IS THAT? I WISH GOD COULD TELL ME WHAT TO DO AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE,IN A WAY HE DOES BUT ITS USUALLY DILUTED THROUGH THE CHRISTIAN COUNCELER WHO WE SPEAK WITH.ITS NICE TO SEE HOPE BUT NOW IM REALLY LOST.I JUST WANT MY HUSBAND BACK I DO, I MISS WHAT WE HAD AND IM LONLY AND HAVE NO ONE TO TELL ME WHAT ARE THE SIGHNS HE WANTS OUT,OR THAT HE WANTS TO START OVER, HOW CAN I PREVENT THAT PLEASE REPLY

Mar 13, 2012
construction owner
by: Sr

I have been married for 37 years and yes my wife some times does not show me the love that i was looking for right then but other days she show the love that i need We have are ups and downs but i love my wife and i belive she loves me too . Maybe to two of you should seck out GOD for the why you should be .odl help all you have to do is ask .

Mar 05, 2012
50 YEARS GONE DOWN THE DRAIN
by: Anonymous

I am almost in the same boat except my husband says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her We were married 48 years, dated 2...I found in
Aug that they had been slipping around whenever possible for 5 years. We tried 2/3 times since
Aug to work it out, but he was miserable...last
time I told him to go...there was no sense in trying any more...I still love him...Everyone
believes she is just in it for the money. She
seemed to be perfectly happy the way things were
before he went to live with her (been with her 3 months) She didn't ask him...I just sent him away
and he asked her if he could live with her. Now
he is spending a ton of money on her, I guess to
try to keep her. I just wonder if there has ever been a situation like this that turned around a worked.

Mar 03, 2012
I'm in the same boat
by: Anonymous

Your marriage sounds so identical to mine. I am divorcing my husband now. We were almost married 30 years. Unlike your husband, mine was sure he did not want to come back. He now lives with this woman and has become close to her children. Our daughter is an only child and now 25. He never wanted another child because he said he was afraid he could not love the next child as much as her. The irony is unbelievable.
My daughter at this point only speaks to him on the phone and is not ready to see him. Its been a year. Our whole world was turned upside down. We thought we were so fortunate to have such a family life. Its hard to let go and forget after all those years of forming and nuturing a family life like that. I do have a new boyfriend. He is wonderful and I love him. Sex is great too, but in the back of my head I'm still grieving the loss of our family unit. i would of done anything to save it. We'll he see a marriage counselor? My husband refused to see one, but I encourage you to try. He sounds torn, aroused by his new exciting love but seems to still love you and your family. It sounds tough, but I also think there is hope for your family.

Very best!!

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