44 yrs old man moves back home to mother

by D'Elle
(Houston,TX)

I was engaged to my ex and we lived together for 4 1/2 years, but had been together 6 years. He is 44 and never been married or have any children. He is not motivated to do anything more than status quo. To be quite honest, he is an under achiever and a quitter. He moved into my home that was completely established to the point that the only thing he had to bring was his clothes... that's all. He started off helping me out with $400/month and then $800 and then $1000/month over the course of 4 1/2 years. The $1000/month did not even met the financial obligations half way.


I bring home on average about $700/month more than he does. We have never taken a trip or a weekend getaway that he planned or paid for because he always claimed that he could not afford it. However he is a drinker and would spend $75-$100/week on alcohol. He was under employed and complained about it, but would do nothing to find a better job, I would tell him about job leads and even did a resume for him and he never applied for another job. He said he was drinking so much (every day) because he wasn't making enough money for me and that he was not happy with himself. I would fuss/nag him about his excessive drinking, his need to seek better employment, and the fact that we never could do or plan anything together because he had the mentality of being broke and not being able to afford anything. We had sex less often, he came home drunk the majority of the time and it put a damper on the sex life when one experiences her man urinating in places he should not. On the weekends he would sleep the day away, hang out with his drinking buddies, or would be needed at his mom's house for the day. We had no quality time together. We stopped having a life together we just started coexisting. To add insult to injury he starting sleeping with his ex. His reason: she didn't place demands on him and she was easy without having to prove or work for it (the sex). I guess she made him feel like a man and I was pointing out how he was a boy in a man's body. I wanted things for our life, that he said he wanted as well, but did not have a clue as to what it takes to achieve them. How did we get here? At one point, or for about 4 years we were a happy couple so I thought. I dated him in college and reconnected with him after an 18 year absence. I had moved away and we lost touch. I realize now that the 19 year old I left at college was the same. He did not mature.

Fast forward... He confided in his mother and sisters that he was so unhappy at home and that I fussed too much and that he didn't make enough money for me. He always made it about money, but he's never had any to speak of. He works hard labor and is not wealthy by no stretch of the imagination. I loved him for him, his lack of money did not stop me from loving him, but his lack of ambition has driven a wedge between us. Since he was unhappy and I was fussing too much, his enabling family told him to move back home with his mother and get himself together. Without any warning or notice, he moved out while I was working overtime (which I'd done often to pay for the extras). I came home and he had moved all of his clothes out and moved back in with his mom. I was devastated that this grown man left me,our 6 year relationship at the time, our pending nuptials to go stay with his mom instead of being a man and facing financial responsibility. He made no attemps to change anything to improve the situation. He just quit and ran home to mommie. How immature and enabling is that? I've learned that this is a pattern for him, that about every 6 years or so after living with a woman, he leaves the woman and moves back home to his mother....He has never had his own place alone. He has a 48 year old sister that has never lived away from their mother and this is a person he thinks her advise is the gospel, not to mention that she is jealous of the life I made for myself before her brother. He has told me things that she has said to him about how I'm using him or need him to pay for my lifestyle and that I'm living above my means. She might as well be E.F. Hutton because her opinion is now his opinion even though he know first hand that that is not the case. Remember he was contributing $1000/month.

It's been 6 months and I have done everything to work on a relationship with a grown man that still lives at home with mommie. He is content and happy to be back home with his mother and sister. He feels accomplished that he now has money in his pockets and can go to the bars and resturants and spend $60 a pop 2-3 times a week on food, but mostly drinks. Where are his priorities? He tells me he wants to work on the relationship, but has done very little to do just that. We only see each other 1-2x's a week and sometimes not at all. He's very unattached and spends the night most of the time because I want him to. He stays away to sleep at his mom's or wherever because he does not want me to ask him to help pay any bills. I know this is a dead end situation, but I fell in love with a LOSER. I had love, faith, hope, and belief in him and he has disappointed me at every turn for the last 2 years... Tell me what my head knows (to leave him immediately and never look back), but my heart won't listen.

Noel's response

You clearly know what you have to do. He will not change, and if you carry on with him, you will continue to be frustrated.

As you have tried for several years to change him, and it has not worked, there is only one person left to change: you.

As he is a heavy drinker and you have chosen to stay with him anyway, there is a chance you are a 'co-dependent' (that is almost a give for anyone who lives with an alcoholic).
I suggest you attend a few of Alanon meetings to see whether anything you hear there resonates with your experience. If it does, I suggest you continue going to meetings in order to help keep yourself from hooking up with yet another drunken loser.

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