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Midlife Wisdom for Men Newsletter Issue #029, February 28, 2005
March 01, 2005

Helping Men Navigate Midlife Transitions.

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Written by Noel McNaughton
Midlife-Men.com
(c) copyright 2005 midlife-men.com

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If you like this e-zine, please do a friend and me a big favour and forward it him. If a friend DID forward this to you and if you like what you read, please subscribe by visiting Midlife Wisdom for Men.

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Issue #029, February 28, 2005

=========== TABLE OF CONTENTS ==========

Are You Letting At Least A Little Of Your Weirdness Show?

Sex Survey Results So Far

How To Go Shopping With Your Wife

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Welcome to this issue of Midlife Wisdom for Men. And a special welcome to the new subscribers this week. Hope you find this newsletter interesting and useful.

One of the tasks at midlife is to become more authentically ourselves. The letter from an autistic woman to some high school kids just might help us do that.

As we get older, and the kids leave home, we have more opportunities to go shopping with our wives. How that turns out depends on whether we know the difference in how men and women shop.

There are about 1600 words in the articles in this newsletter, which may take about five minutes to read. I think you'll find it worth it :-)

Noel

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Are You Letting At Least A Little Of Your Weirdness Show?

The following is from a note from Donna Williams, an autistic woman in Ontario to a teacher, who is putting together some lesson plans to teach the book "A curious incident of the dog in the night time" by Mark Haddon. She teaches grade 9 and 10 students, and asked Donna Williams to write a personal message of encouragement to the class.

I thought what she wrote might be good for us middle-aged men as well. Maybe it's time to show a little more of our weirdness.

"Class, welcome to the adventure of abnormality, the intriguing nature of the uncommon, the colourful diversity of the weird, without which our world would be merely predictable and bland.

Fortunately, we all have at least some wonderful dose of abnormality, something uncommon about us and something that's colourfully weird so that we may all be at least a bit interesting.

At your age there is a trend to conform and another to be what I call conformist-nonconformist... something many teenagers think is 'cool', 'trendy'... whatever... but conformist-nonconformity is ALL about rules, it's a production line thing, and it's often so same, same, same.

The real individuals? Well these are who we are when we let ourselves be the quirky, eccentric, colourful, unique,... sometimes uncommon type of person we each really are before we set about hiding that great treasure.

And people with Autism? Well, they are sometimes the luckiest of all... because they are often just so damn good at being themselves that they just can't help it. And sometimes, a great logic, clarity and ability to just 'be' comes from that. May you all discover a little of it in yourselves too.

Warmly,

Donna Williams, Autistic Author of the bestseller Nobody Nowhere and its three sequels."

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Is Your Computer's Lack of Speed Driving You Crazy? And Are You Protected From Hackers?

Performance Pro is a handy little program I use to clean my computer every day, so it keeps ticking along at top speed

It gives you:

  • Personal Firewall - Protect your privacy against online snoopers and hackers
  • System Cleaner - Delete old, unnecessary files that waste valuable disk space (including a number that Windows disk cleaner seems to miss)
  • File Shredder - Securely shred files and folders with military precision, so they cannot ever be recovered
  • Speed up general system performance and hard drive searching performance
  • Block annoying pop-ups and banner ads - this alone speeds up your Internet browsing experience!
  • Delete all traces of your Internet usage, so nobody will ever know where you have been online

I recommend it.
Noel

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Sex Survey Results So Far

Remember last issue I mentioned a Sex Survey? We hear so much about how our libido drops as we get older, or how we leave our wives and get a younger gal, so I thought it would be interesting to see what we midlife men say about what it's REALLY like.

So far I have had 49 responses to my unofficial survey. (A reminder - it is totally ANONYMOUS. If you would like to respond - maybe you intended to before and forgot to - the directions for doing so are below.)

Here are the results to date (most men checked more than one statement. I have included the number of responses to each statement):

I have lower libido than a few years ago, and have largely lost interest in sex. - 12 responses

I have lower libido than a few years ago, but still enjoy sex with my wife/partner - 22 responses

I am not enjoying sex with my wife/partner as much as I used to, but fantasize about having sex with younger women - 13 responses

I have as strong a sexual drive as I ever had - 14 responses

I have a lower sex drive than I used to have, but I still would like more sex than my wife/partner is interested in - 14 responses

I am divorced/separated and have a new relationship with a younger partner - 2 responses

I have had/am having an affair, mostly for the great sex - 3 responses

I have had/am having an affair, mostly for companionship and understanding - 8 responses

I am: 35-40 years old - 3 responses

40-45 years old - 14 responses

45-50 years old - 8 responses

50-55 years old - 10 responses

55-60 years old - 10 responses

60 - 65 years old - 3 responses

More than 65 years old - 1 response

If you haven't filled out the survey, I would appreciate it if you would. You can find it at http://www.midlife-men.com/sex-survey.html. It will only take a minute, and again, it is totally anonymous. As soon as you submit the survey you are taken to a page that shows you the results so far.

A note to my women subscribers: I suspect you may be curious about what the men are reporting, so if you can't resist filling in the form too, just to see the cumulative results, will you please, in the 'Comments' section, note that you are a woman? Thanks.

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Still carrying a little extra 'Christmas weight' that you can't seem to drop? You might want to try the Isagenix nine-day 'cleansing and fat-burning program'. I lost 13 pounds in nine days last January, and I've kept most of it off. Some folks have lost more on this program, and some less, but everybody loses some weight, and cleanses their systems as well, which these days is a good thing to do periodically.

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How To Go Shopping With Your Wife

From time to time we men are invited to go shopping with our wives. Often it's quite a spell before the invitation is extended again, because it turns out the shopping trip is not much fun for either party. The woman ends up frustrated and angry, and the man ends up bored, nervous and angry.

It CAN be fun to shop with your wife, if you understand the difference in how men and women shop. Now I understand what I am about to say is a generalization, and you may be thinking 'that's not how it is with Betty and me', but I believe what I am about to tell you is GENERALLY true.

When we go shopping, we know what we want, we know roughly where to get it, and we go get it. For us shopping is much like making a phone call:
Rrriinnnggg...
"Hello"
"Fred?"
"Yah"
"Tom"
"How's it going?"
"Good. Want to play golf on Saturday?"
"Sure. What time"
"I have a tee time at 7:00 at the Golden West course"
"OK. See you there."

So, when we go shopping, we hunt down what we want, buy it, and go home.

Women, on the other hand, experience shopping more as a social event. They like to look at things, feel them, take their time, savour moments. A woman would never consider buying the first purse, or blouse, or whatever, she finds, even if it is pretty much what she is looking for. She wants to be sure she is getting the most flattering outfit at the best price, so she likes to compare things and get feedback on how things look on her.

Now, put these two shopping styles together, and you have the makings of one of those 'marital discord' events we experience from time to time, where we might be having a little hot tongue and cold shoulder for supper.

Here's the scenario... It's Saturday, and there is some family shopping to do, but it won't take too long, and Linda is thinking it might be nice for her and Ted to do it together. She pictures them wandering around the mall a bit, getting the things they need, and maybe going for coffee in the new coffee boutique that just opened up.

Linda invites Ted to come along. Ted ascertains that they don't have a lot to buy, so says ok, thinking they will be home in time to catch the afternoon game on tv, and maybe he'll still have time to change the oil in the Chev before supper.

Off they go. Linda is feeling good. It's been a while since she and Ted spent much time together. On the way into the mall she takes his hand. Ted feels good too. It's nice to spend a little time with Linda.

The first thing on the list is some panty hose for Linda. Ted doesn't know much about panty hose, but how hard can it be?

"What colour are you looking for?"

"Something in a kind of mocha tone."

Ted is not sure what a mocha tone is, but there are many shades of brownish-looking panty hose in the shelves. At least half look like they could be mocha tone. He picks out a couple and shows them to Linda.

"No, that's not quite it. A little darker, I think."

His next offerings are too dark, then too brown, and so it goes.

Pretty soon Ted sits down in the chair conveniently located for men who are shopping with their wives, and waits. Not too patiently.

Linda now feels pressured. The fun is starting wear off.

It's not hard to imagine how the rest of the trip goes, and needless to say, they don't go for the coffee and intimate chat Linda first imagined.

Now, this COULD have been a good trip for both of them if Ted had been aware that Linda was seeing it as an outing, maybe a chance to spend some time together and talk. He could have treated it as the 'date' that Linda was imagining, and simply remained relaxed and cheerful through the shopping part, and maybe bought Linda a little treat along with the coffee. Who knows what might have happened in bed later as well.

Here are a couple of tips that I think can help you have a good shopping outing with your wife. They work for me the odd time I go shopping with Elizabeth:

  • Determine what you are getting into, and what your wife is picturing the trip to be before you go (it might be good to ask for clarity. Maybe she just wants help getting the shopping done)

  • be prepared to give the time willingly and cheerfully. If you have to, think of it as something nice you are doing for your wife. Don't expect her to repay it, she might even think she is doing you a favour by inviting you to come! It's part of marriage. Besides, if you relax and go with the flow, it might be nice for you too.

If you are pretty sure you can't make the trip pleasant for both of you (Elizabeth doubts a man can truly enjoy this kind of shopping), do both of you a favour and decline graciously. Maybe offer to do something else she will appreciate that you CAN do willingly.

Good luck!
Noel

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I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. Emile Henry Gauvreay

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Just For You: A Free Do-It-Yourself Retirement Planning Report

If you are a new subscriber to this newsletter, you will recall I promised you a link to a secret page on the Midlife Men's site where you can download a free 27-page report on 'DIY Retirement planning' by George Slater.

Welcome to the newsletter, and for your free report, go to: DIY Retirement E-Report , click on the link, and follow the instructions.

Enjoy!

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Learn to be a Teleclass Facilitator

If you are a facilitator/speaker/professional who gives lectures or workshops, you can do it from home and make money. Teleclasses (also known as teleseminars) using telephone bridge lines, are becoming increasingly popular, and and a very inexpensive way to deliver high-quality training. I took training in teleclass leadership from Teleclass International which I highly recommend.

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Classifieds


A Destroyer of Compasses by Wade Bell, published by Guernica Editions, (Toronto, Buffalo and Lancaster UK) $15.00 Cdn

One Man's Mid-Life Crisis Led to Spain. Planning to spend six weeks, he stayed five years.

A book of stories the Toronto Globe & Mail called "an assured and sensual portrait of a culture" with "precise and ironic examples of human idiosyncracy." The review went on to call stories "gems."

Available from Amazon, E-Bay and local bookstores.


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PROMOTION:

This is a handy program that I use every day to clean my computer and keep it ticking along at top speed.

Is Your Computer Slower Than When You Got It? And Are You Protected From Hackers? Performance Pro is a POWERFUL little program that gives you:

  • Personal Firewall - Protect your privacy against online snoopers and hackers
  • System Cleaner - Delete old, unnecessary files that waste valuable disk space
  • File Shredder - Securely shred files and folders with military precision, so they cannot ever be recovered
  • Speed up general system performance and hard drive searching performance
  • Block annoying pop-ups and banner ads - this alone speeds up your Internet browsing experience!
  • Delete all traces of your Internet usage, so nobody will ever know where you have been online

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I Need Your Questions and Feedback!

Got comments? Questions? I'd love to hear from you.

Just email your suggestions and/or questions to noel@midlife-men.com . I look forward to hearing from you. And thanks.

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Well friend, that's it for now. Again, if you enjoyed this and/or found it useful, and know of anyone else who might like it, please pass it forward. And if you have questions or recommendations, I would love to hear from you.

All the best, Noel

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