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He Just Won't Express Himself"
March 15, 2006
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Midlife Wisdom For Men Issue #054, March 15, 2006

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Letters from Readers

He Just Won't Express Himself

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Written by Noel McNaughton Midlife-Men.com (c) copyright 2006 midlife-men.com

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If you like this e-zine, please do a friend and me a big favour and forward it to him. If a friend DID forward this to you and if you like what you read, please subscribe by visiting Midlife Wisdom for Men.

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Welcome to this issue of Midlife Wisdom for Men.

Do you have trouble saying those three little words women love to hear? (I don't mean the three men find so hard to say: "I don't know".) I mean the... you know... those words women ache for you to say. The second word starts with L. If you have trouble, see below.

If you want to save on hotels, rental cars, and so forth, check the tips below too. And I think you will also find the letters to the editor pretty interesting.

There are about 1400 words in the articles in this newsletter, which should take you about five minutes to read.

All the best,

Noel

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We're all on a journey
Our job is to make the journey a good one
There is no point in trying to rush it
Cause each man's journey takes exactly
One life time
Tom Avey, quoted in the Mankind Project's Elder's List

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From Our Readers

A Woman's Advice On Menopause

Hi Noel,

I just read the explanation of menopause and its implications. Advice for all the men out there whose wives are going through menopause right now. This is the time where you can show you love her no matter what. At time of crisis (crying without apparent reason) cuddle her, show empathy and compassion. Talk to her, read a book to her you know she likes. Take her out to a funny movie and go for long walks. Being silent together is also comforting.

Never belittle your wife and put her down. What seems to be a very small or no issue at all for a man; during menopause it may be a huge issue for your spouse adjust and take her serious. Deal with it in a loving, caring and understanding manner will give her the reassurance you care and want to help her.

Women during menopause are very vulnerable and sensitive. So don't be a jerk or a brick but rather use your feminine part to ease her along. She will respect and love you more afterwards. If you mess this up, however, she will never forget it. Wounds afflicted during this difficult time will never really heal.

I speak from experience. Being diagnosed with cancer and forced into menopause was very difficult to say the least. I did not have a supporting husband. It was reversed I had to support him to go through my menopause/cancer.

As you can tell I survived, however, the wounds among other issues never healed and we are now separating 15 years after the fact.

I always enjoy reading you newsletter. Thanks.

Anonymous

More On Protecting Your Identity

Hi Noel, I was over at the Fraud squad on Wednesday, 01 March, with our reporter Lisa Wolansky, from Channel 10. (She's a lovely girl from St Albert, for what it's worth) Anyway, we were amazed at the total package the bad guys have in their arsenal to steal our identities and our money. Some of things that people must do are:

  1. protect their pin,
  2. change their pin frequently
  3. don't give your pin to anyone, because it will negate any claims you may make against banks which are extremely reluctant to pay out to defrauded debit card customers.
  4. shred all records of transactions, (those little slips)
  5. When shopping in gas bars, etc, particularly after midnight, lookup, way up, and see if there is anything weird about the ceiling, ie a place where a pin hole camera might be (the camera is about as big across as a toonie, but it only needs a small hole to take in enough light for a useable image.)
  6. Follow your card wherever you use it. Little fraudulent card readers are everywhere and they are able to read your information, which can be copied to any other card with a strip on it
  7. Report any weird transactions, like for instance if you get a receipt from a fouled-up or even paid out transaction, that indicates that in spite of the use of your debit card, you paid in cash. That actually happened to someone.
  8. If you get one of those bigger card swiper thingies at the till, just give the outside of the rectangular frame a little lift. If that part separates from the rest of the box, it's a false information gathering device, which just memorized your pin number and your card data.Get your card back and call the police immediately

Very weird ways that we can get ripped off these days my friend. But it's almost admirable how the villains have the system figured out. The fraud guy told us that no place is safe, because, often the employees who work the night shift are given a big chunk of change, say 5,000 bucks, to look the other way while the phony readers, cameras, etc. are installed. The bad guys return just a few days later with what they need and that is that, off to another city, district, country, to do their dirties. Last year, over one hundred million dollars was reported in thefts or skimming as it's called in Canada.

Take care, mon ami.
John McMahon

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Slow Music Does Your Heart Good

Here is a tidbit from the latest AARP Magazine:
According to Peter Sleight, M.D. of John Radcliffe Hospital at the University of Oxford, England, slow music is good for your heart. He monitored subjects as they listened to music and found slow tunes induced heart-healthy drop-offs in breathing rate and blood pressure. Take a two minute break between songs - in the study, this led to a more marked relaxation state after listening. (He didn't say how you get your CD player to stop for a couple of minutes before carrying on.)

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He Just Won't Express Himself

A few years ago I was coaching a farm couple over the phone. During previous sessions we had covered their values, life goals, financial plans, and marketing strategy for their organic dairy products. This time we were talking about communication, and how they could make their good marriage even better.

Jim truly loved Helen, and showed it by working hard. He made sure they had enough money for her to pursue personal interests such as art classes, and to take at least three weeks of family holidays every year. About the only thing he didn't do to show his love was tell her he loved her!

During the coaching session, I guided Jim to work up the courage say the words. When he eventually managed to get them out, Helen, on the other extension, began to cry.

Here is part of a letter I got from another woman. It is fairly typical of emails I get from women who discover my men's website.

Dear Noel,
My husband has NEVER been one to let me know how he feels about me...even after all these years. He almost never compliments me, if I do something extra special for him...I never even hear about it. He cannot express his feelings for me and I don't understand.
I ask him to just let me know how he feels in his heart and he cops out and says he doesn't know how to express himself.
Just because he comes home every night doesn't mean to me that he loves me. This has become a very big issue over the years because I'm very verbal about my feelings for him and enjoy letting him know how I feel about him.
I know his Dad never discussed feelings with any of the family, nor did he ever hand out compliments or praise of any kind. He was a very hard man to live with.
I suggested to my husband that I make him a list of things he could say from time to time...so as to give him some sort of clue as to what I'm expecting. Is this a bad idea? I feel desperate, at times, for acknowledgement and words of love but my husband (a good man) seems to have no need of any of that and can't see why I would.
I know I'm going through menopause but is he? Thanks for your time.
Sarah

I have met many men who struggle to compliment family members, or say words of endearment to their wives. Maybe it is because their dads never said them. It is almost as though they fear something horrible will happen if they say the words.

Whatever the reason, it works against us men. According to Shaunti Feldhahn in her book For Women Only : What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, women want to know (read hear) they are loved, more than anything else. Men want to know (read hear) they are respected. We men might know we are respected if we are relied upon, asked to do special tasks, and in general treated in a respectful manor. Although we like to be told we are doing a good job, we can live without it if we are treated with respect. But we must receive some kind of recognition.

I have met many men whose fathers neither said nor did anything to show their sons they respected and appreciated them, and long after their fathers are dead, these sons still wish they had got some kind of praise from their dads. And guess what? They don't praise their sons either.

A woman wants to hear she is loved. She also want to hear she is appreciated, respected, cherished, and wanted. As do we all.

So here is a suggestion:

Risk telling your wife you love her, that she is desirable, she is a great wife, you appreciate her, and she still makes your heart beat a little faster. Don't worry about the consequences. Chances are you'll like them!

The thing Ms. Feldhahn learned from the men she interviewed was that the most important thing to them was that their wives know they love them deeply. A good way to guarantee they know that is to tell them.

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Want To Save On Hotels? Elizabeth and I are going to Jasper for a couple of nights this weekend to do some goal-setting and planning for the rest of the year, plus have a little R&R. I booked our hotel rooms through www.hotel.ca, and saved about $20 per night over what I would have paid if I had called the hotel, or booked on the hotel's website. You can book hotels in many cities around the world through this site. I use it to book hotels when I am on the road speaking.

If you are booking for a group, try www.groople.com. You can also book cruises, car rentals, airline tickets, etc.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

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I do this newsletter and host the www.midlife-men.com website as a service to other men, and am happy to do so. Just the same, it costs some money, and if you would like to make a small contribution to help with those costs, I would really appreciate it. If you would like, you can make a donation at: http://www.midlife-men.com/donation.html

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Got your copy of Picking Up The Burning Feather yet? It will help you on your spiritual journey.

Just go to Picking Up The Burning Feather: A Spiritual Guide For Midlife Men.

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Just For You: A Free Do-It-Yourself Retirement Planning Report

If you are a new subscriber to this newsletter, you will recall I promised you a link to a secret page on the Midlife Men's site where you can download a free 27-page report on 'DIY Retirement planning' by George Slater.

Welcome to the newsletter, and for your free report, go to: DIY Retirement E-Report , and follow the instructions.

Enjoy!

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Learn to be a Teleclass Facilitator

If you are a facilitator/speaker/professional who gives lectures or workshops, you can do it from home and make money. Teleclasses (also known as teleseminars) using telephone bridge lines, are becoming increasingly popular, and and a very inexpensive way to deliver high-quality training. I took training in teleclass leadership from Teleclass International which I highly recommend.

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Classifieds


A Destroyer of Compasses by Wade Bell, published by Guernica Editions, (Toronto, Buffalo and Lancaster UK) $15.00 Cdn

One Man's Mid-Life Crisis Led to Spain. Planning to spend six weeks, he stayed five years.

A book of stories the Toronto Globe & Mail called "an assured and sensual portrait of a culture" with "precise and ironic examples of human idiosyncracy." The review went on to call stories "gems."

Available from Amazon, E-Bay and local bookstores.
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I Need Your Questions and Feedback!

Got comments? Questions? I'd love to hear from you.

Just email your suggestions and/or questions to noel@midlife-men.com . I look forward to hearing from you. And thanks.

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Well friend, that's it for now. Again, if you enjoyed this and/or found it useful, and know of anyone else who might like it, please pass it forward. And if you have questions or recommendations, I would love to hear from you.

All the best, Noel

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