A crisis when my husband returned from deployment in Afghanistan

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A crisis when my husband returned from deployment in Afghanistan

by Confused

The question

My husband of over 16 years recently arrived back from his first deployment to Afghanistan. We had a wonderful marriage for 16 years where we were the best of friends, we did everything together and he was very loving and caring. We have 3 children, 2 teens and 1 pre-teen. He used to constantly tell me how much he loved me and how he was so happy that we were the couple that would never divorce.

Since just prior to his return, he began telling me that I wouldn't like the new him. Since he came home he has been distant and unemotional. He is hyper-sensitive to every issue and feels like every argument we have is just a continuation of the same argument and he has walked out.

He says he can't do it anymore, that for his mental health he needs to leave us, that we are better off without him. The kids and I have told him that we love him and want him to stay. He says he can't that I don't accept him as who he is now, that he has changed and I'm trying to control him and make him into something he's not anymore.

All I ask is for him to be more affectionate, and I only bring it up once a month, but it is too much for him. He left 4 days ago, called his family and told them that we are splitting and has contacted my family and told them the same. Yet daily he texts our children and asks how they are and if I am eating. He had our son make me something and texted me when he found out I didn't eat. He keeps checking on me daily yet he says he can never come home.

He left his ring on my nightstand when he left and 2 days after he walked out he emailed me the reasons he wasn't coming back. He began seeing a counsellor the same day. He also stated that he can't bear for me to walk out and leave him so he is doing it first, that way it is on his terms at a time of his choosing.

Is there any hope that he may turn around and come home? Is this a MLC? And if he is determined to leave us would he still check on us everyday and ask how I am doing? He isn't doing well either, he went 3 days without eating himself after leaving...

Noel's response

I do not know whether it is a mild life crisis, as serving in places such as Afghanistan can be devastating.

I think his seeing a counsellor is the wisest choice for him right now. As to whether he will be back, I do not know.

In the meantime, I suggest you and the children live your lives as best you can, and be prepared to do so for a significant period of time.

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A crisis when my husband returned from deployment in Afghanistan

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Mar 14, 2012

Update part 2
by: Anonymous

You see, for me it felt like we were never going to make it. My husband made sure to tell me at every turn that I was to blame for our arguing, even though he was the one that was defensive over everything. He didn't see it, how could he? He was dealing with demons of his own and needed an outlet for them. I was his outlet because I made him do the one thing he didn't want. I made him feel something at a time when he wanted nothing more than to be numb. Things are good with us now, are they perfect? No, but I'm okay with good. I love my husband and I know that he saw things that have affected him. He isn't the man that left, but he is a good man and a great father. I can handle that he isn't as affectionate as he once was and that he has difficulty discussing his feelings. These are the choices I have made to still have him in our lives. Am I always happy about it? No. Do I still miss the old him? Of course. But once I believed that it truly wasn't about me, that he wasn't acting this way to hurt me, that it was about the changes his deployment brought about in him I was finally able to be happy myself. I still get depressed some days and wish for the days of old, but it's all worth it when he looks at me and is able to tell me he loves me and you can see in his eyes that he means it. I wish you all the best of luck and by my update I am just letting you know what worked for us. Thanks again!

Mar 14, 2012

Update part 1
by: Anonymous

For those of you that are dealing with similar issues, my heart goes out to you. The only advice I can give you from my experience is to hang in there. This isn't your fight, no matter how much you want to help this something that your spouse must go through on their own. They have to make the choices because they feel completely out of control. My husband and I went through numerous counseling sessions and the common sentence uttered is that "you have to want to make it better" that means both of you. No matter how much you want to fix it, you only have control over your actions. You have to fix yourself and allow your spouse to do the same. My advice would be to reach down and gather up every ounce of patience you have because you are going to need it. Give them the space and time to try to heal themselves. Suggest counseling, if they won't go, tell them that's their choice and let them know that you will be going and they are welcome to join you if they change their mind. All military medical groups and the Airman and Family Readiness centers have counselors you can talk to. You are not alone, there are people to help you get through this time. When I decided to tell him he could leave and that I would be strong for our kids just like I was the entire time he was gone but if he left he didn't get me back, things changed on some new level. I wasn't begging him to stay, I decided that I was strong enough to do it while he was deployed and I was strong enough to carry on if he left. You see he didn't really want to go, but he didn't know how to handle staying. We had a few more counseling sessions and things have continued to grow. I have given him the space he needed emotionally and decided I was going to be happy no matter the outcome. It's amazing the change it can make in your relationship.

Mar 12, 2012

Being Alone
by: Anonymous

I returned from Afghan 2010, stayed home 2.5 months and left to take a job 2000 miles away from my wife, friends and life of 12 years. I needed to be alone. Still do. but, I'm back home. I still need a lot of space which I did't have before deployment. My wife likes control and I've always given in to that. Our relationship was strong, loving and respectful. Her day to day control over our lives was acceptable and not looked at in a negative way. Actually, it was "the inside joke" of being married. Now, I can't stand it. I don't have loving feelings for my wife. I may never again. I do respect her and care for her. I don't have feelings for any thing, really. I'm not sure what changed me but I have changed. Being alone helps me decompress from all of life's daily insults. Being alone is a protection barrier. It's who I am now and I may never want to love or be apart of a loving relationship again. I get along great with friends, bud's (male and female) but not emotionally. I can't surrender myself to love. War and the trauma of War of those who serve change a person and it takes a strong man/woman left behind to understand the changes, and not question the changes. I saw so many divorces between men and women. I never understood it until I was part of it. So, if you question us, our answer will be, " I just need to be alone."

Feb 10, 2012

This sounds so much like my situation
by: Anonymous

My husband returned home a while ago and he was completely different towards me. He blamed me for the way he felt and wanted a divorce within a few weeks. It took him several months to file because I couldn't bring myself to do it and since then, I have heard nothing in return. He wanted a divorce so badly and now he's just sitting around not taking any action. I don't understand. I am still heartbroken but I would never let him know that. It's been nearly a year now since he wanted the divorce and he doesn't call to check on his kids. I just wanted to vent in a place where people could understand. I only wish that I didn't love him anymore so I could move on with my life.

Nov 05, 2011

PTSD
by: Anonymous

Hi I used to work in the services supporting service personnel and their families . Deployment is often a very difficult time and returning home can be worse. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is more common than we think.
After being in a war torn country and seeing so many graphic images it can make a person feel really bad, a lot of service personnel cannot talk about this with their families as they want to protect them, but something has to happen to these emotions and re-occurring images that they suffer. It would be useful for service personnel to be debriefed before going home. I don't know if this happens but many of these accounts sounds just like Post Traumatic Stress to me.

Oct 17, 2011

OMG
by: Carmen

My husband came home from Afghanistan April 10th, 2011 and told me the day after he got back that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated to hear that after he'd send me emails of how much he loved me and would do anything for his family. But he got back and wanted out after a simple dispute over a motorcycle and he started to tell me that he wanted to do what he wants to do and that he didn't want responsibilities and he resented me for not letting him be him, and that he was distant from me and felt he wasn't in love with me.

My immediate thought was that there was another women, but that isn't the case. He lives here at home still and he comes home, lives here, sleeps here ect and not talking to any girls or anything, but he just doesn't want to be married anymore. He's not affectionate with me at all anymore, we dont' really talk either. It's been now 6 months and he still wants a divorce even though as of yet he has not filed the paperwork, something that I decided to do myself because it's very hard to deal with that everyday and feel unwanted and unloved. We've been married 16 years and been through 4 deployments. I don't understand what he is thinking of what he is going through except that my husband says he wants to live and be alone. I too, like you, am dealing with this and I don't know what to do. Prayers for you and your family because I know it's hard, it's hard to let go of someone you've been with for so many years. Carmen

Jun 09, 2011

My Story
by: Anonymous

My husband came home from deployment from Afghanistan in 8/2011 and in 9/2011 he walked in one day and said "I cant take this shit anymore"and walked out. He would not talk to me at all. Did not answer my texts, my phone calls nothing.Two weeks later he calls me and tells me we need to talk. He walks into our house and tells me he wants a divorce and I still have no clue why.

He came back a different person that is all I can say. He filed for divorce, has been mean and nasty to me. Told me I had 3 days to put the bills in my name or he would have everything turned off and he did. He is deployed again now and me and my kids have not heard one word from him since he left months ago. I sent him 2 emails and no response. I still have no clue what happened to the man I fell in love with, but I am afraid he is gone forever.

May 24, 2011

question
by: Anonymous

you said that he couldn't take you leaving him, so he left on his own terms... Did you tell him you were leaving? I'm curious because I don't know your history, but it seems like he feels he isn't in control of his life. My brother returned from overseas and had gotten used to a very structured lifestyle, so having more control was a bit overwhelming for him at first. Does your H still leave or withdrawal when he isn't in control?

May 13, 2011

other trouble?
by: Anonymous

Confused-
I am experiencing something very similar to what you are going through as a military spouse. I was wondering if anything led up to him leaving or if it came out of the blue. We fight constantly now it seems and I don't know if its all him, all me, or a combination of us both. Are things better now for you?

Mar 02, 2011

.
by: A very old boot neck

Hey when I got back from my tour I couldn't stand to be around the people I knew... friends and family. I felt like they didn't understand me, or they could never understand what I had been through and seen. When I looked at my 12 year old son all I could see was the faces of children I had seen on the side of the road. I just couldn't take it.

So I left and moved out, only seeing the people who did the tour with me because they knew what was happening.

I later went to a special ward which sorted me out. So what I'm saying is every one who comes back from a tour of duty changes. Some change a lot, some not so much, but in the end you have to wait it out till he recovers from the things that happened out there.

Feb 06, 2011

Re: Afghanistan
by: Anonymous

Thanks for the update. All the best and take care of yourself.

Jan 31, 2011

Update...
by: Anonymous

My husband decided to come home on Saturday, even though the evening before he thought the prospect of us being able to salvage our relationship was impossible. We are both seeing a counselor and I believe it is very helpful and will continue.

When asked he said he just knew that he was where he was supposed to be. Everyone has told him that he was making a mistake by leaving, his family, my family, me, our kids, his friends and mine... I am praying that he just needed space to deal with some of the issues he has been dealing with since his return. At this point I am cautiously optimistic.

I am willing to give him the emotional space he needs and pray that in the end it works out. We have had a wonderful life together and if he is willing to try then so am I.

If this is an Afghanistan/MLC issue, I am more than willing to give him the time to deal with the issues he is wrestling with. He has never wavered about loving me, he said the entire time that he will always love me no matter what happens between us.

Please keep us in your prayers and pray that he realizes that the best thing for everyone is for us to work this out.

Jan 30, 2011

Husband back from Afganistan
by: NWF

Hello,

I hear your pain and feel it also. My husband of 16 years, now 52 years old, did the same thing the same way yours did, 7 months ago. They both are having a MLC. Mine gave me four days notice after saying he would leave for 3 months. He yelled at me the day he told me he was leaving that Saturday. He is full of his own anger and turmoil inside but thinks it is due to me. This is very common and it is called projecting his anger onto you. It is not you, please believe me.

You are lucky in a way, my H cannot talk to my son (15) except for when he is in the driveway coming to pick him up and never asks about me. I lost 30 lbs. over this disaster he has caused 5 months ago. He can hardly talk to me without blowing up over anything, we email back and forth. He cannot take anything emotional from me but talks to his new girlfriend or sees her most of the time for his emotional medicine.

She is his ex-high school girlfriend that dumped him when he went into the Army just after school ended. She has made this so easy for him to do. She moved here from Florida 5 months ago but they do live together. His family can't believe this either but now he has told them so many half-truths that they enable his behavior.

They feed him and our son on Wed. night and Sun. mornings--every other Sunday when H has our son for the weekend, which he tries to end on Sun. at noon time. Hold your line and protect yourself with boundaries for you and do not let him cross the line or he will keep doing it. He may not even listen to your boundaries because he doesn't see you as his wife anymore.

Now my H lies to all of us most of the time so he can do whatever he wants. They are full of entitlement issues and can only think of themselves. They do not even realize the damage they are causing because they can't feel anything but the excitement of the new relationship, called infatuation.

Protect your money in a new account for you because he will eventually spend it all. My H talked our lawyers into making me sell our house-it is on the market now and has been since September, one buyer just backed out and caused much trouble for us 2 weeks ago. I hope this does not happen to you and your family.

It has been 7 months now and we are finally broke, savings gone and living paycheck to paycheck. My H is the spender-not me. He filed for divorce before he even left home after talking with the OW for only 4 weeks over the phone and he thinks this is OK to do. He will not listen to any reasoning from anyone either. The only thing that makes any sense to them is their own lost mind.

Keep a close friend nearby-you will need her or him for many hugs.

Feel for you greatly, NWF.

Jan 30, 2011

Re: Your husband.
by: Anonymous

Sounds like he could be going through some trauma from serving in Afghanistan. I am so sorry to hear that. I can feel your pain.

It sounds like you are supporting his decision for the time being. I am sure he loves and cares about you and your children but the best thing to do right now is let him be. Hopefully with time his thinking will be more clear.

Keep listening to him and not feel personal about what he says. I know it is tough. You may need to see a counselor and surround yourself with friends and family . All the best and take care.

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A crisis when my husband returned from deployment in Afghanistan

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A crisis when my husband returned from deployment in Afghanistan