a month of no sex

by Amie
(Port Jefferson, New York)

I am a 45 yr old attractive woman who has been dating a 43 yr old man for the past 5 months. He has been divorced only slightly over a year with 2 teenage children and I am divorced 8 yrs years, no children. We were introduced by a mutual friend and seemed to click immediately. I was reluctant to get involved with him at first because he is newly divorced and I want a serious relationship, not looking to just have fun, he knew this about me and he agreed that he too wanted to just take things slow. The attraction was mutual, we never lacked for conversation, we just clicked in a way I don't think either of us expected to.

The sex was fantastic, we would be doing it 3 times a day each time we saw each other... communication also great, we talked every single day, also we would text each other daily... I couldn't be happier with the way things were going. He see's his children several times a week but I also knew the holidays were going to be difficult for him. The last time we had sex was right before Christmas, we did not see each other at all for New Years Eve because he wanted to spend it with his kids which I fully understood.

He told me that he was feeling blue around Christmas and New Years which again I understood, I wanted to be supportive and patient. I started noticing little changes in him, he was not calling or texting me as much, I felt like he was taking a step back from me so I confronted him. He did not deny it just said he did not want to get serious too quickly. Ok, I appreciated him being up front but we have not had sex in a month now!! We have seen each other and he appears to be fine, he kisses me passionately but he has not made any effort to have sex. What could cause a man not to want sex, I thought they want it all the time. I asked him point blank what was going on and he just said he is still in a funk and cant seem to shake it. I am beyond frustrated and I don't know what to do.

I thought at first maybe he was seeing someone else or his ex-wife but we talk at all different times of the night and I no longer think that is the case. I have sent him tantalizing texts but he does not respond in a way like he is interested.. he seems to make excuses for why he cant see me, he is sick, tired he has the kids but yet he continues to call me daily again..I am soooo confused by his behavior. I know it is not me, I am not a clingy, needy person and I try to give him his space but I'm feeling totally confused at the sudden change in his behavior. I would appreciate any suggestions.

Noel's response

I am not a therapist, so can't offer a 'professional' opinion, but I suspect a couple of things:
- he is not as over his divorce as he seemed. In my experience it takes about three years to recover emotionally from a major trauma such as divorce
- it may be complicated by a midlife transition which would make him erratic and not sure which way he is going
- the holiday season is a tough time, and perhaps he is in a funk (think depression) that is lasting longer than either of you thought. Depression is very hard on the sex drive
- being still emotionally raw, whether he knew it or not, when you got together, he may be 'moving away' as his emotional state changes. You may be what psychologists call a 'throw away relationship', which often happens after a divorce. He would not be consciously aware of this, but it may be part of the picture.

Hope this helps a little.

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