About my children

by anonymous

My husband is definitely still going through a MLC possibly for 3 years now and I have been separated for 15 months now and I have been patient with him. There was another woman who he is living with just recently and he has introduced the boys to his 'friend'. The problem is he does not see them regularly and the friend keeps getting introduced at different times when he and the friend are on good terms, (has been a rocky relationship apparently).

I still love him, but feel more sad for him now as he is so angry all the time and his life seems to be getting worse not better, financially anyway. I am not prepared to go back there regardless but I am concerned about the children's emotional state, as it does confuse them, but they (at the moment anyway) miss their dad. He on the other hand does not keep much contact, especially since he has moved in with the friend. I have never stopped him seeing the boys but apparently it is my fault that he has not seen them for 5 weeks! What do I do?

My concern is he does not care much about the boys feelings, just his own. Also I have no clue if his relationship with the friend will last or not or if the boys have to keep getting used to other friends. How can I protect them and how do I know that my husband will not manipulate the boys into his way of thinking, as he is so unstable, and it is his way or no way at the moment.

I am getting on with my life as best as I can, it is still very new, but I have a goal that by August next year I should be more settled. I am getting divorced as well as my husband needs to come back to reality and understand that children don't live for free and have to rely on both their parents to bring them up regardless of what mental state the parents are in.

Noel's response

You don't mention how old your boys are, so I don't know whether my suggestion will be useful.

The only thing I can think of is to talk to the boys, in a non-judgmental way, about your view of what their dad is going through, so at least they have some data.

Also, help them learn how to use 'I statements', so they can talk to their dad about how they are feeling about their relationship with him, without making him feel too defensive.

In situations such as the one your boys are in, children need data, and often the adults in their lives don't give it to them, or give them distorted, judgmental data.