again husband cares for me but has lost his feelings

by A
(canada)

For six months my husband had an affair. At first he told me that they had only talked about our finances an our relationship. we were starting to get past all this (over the last 2 months) and on new years eve he drops the bomb that yes he had slept with her and has feelings for her. He says he is not in love with her but all the love feelings for me are gone. they did not go away over night but over a period of 2 years he told me. He cares for me deeply and said he will do anything for me. I have asked that we try to make our marriage work but he stresses he has nothing for me. we have two children ages 19 and 13, we got together at 18 and 21 we have been married for 17 years and I saw nothing coming like this. I love him dearly and even though i know about the other person I still feel we have something to save he has agreed to meet with a marriage councellor but I feel he is just doing it to console me.

we have talked extensively regarding all issues of the affair and yet he still assures me that the feelings lost had nothing to do with the other woman. I do at this point have to go back a few years and just say that he did have anxiety problems 2 years ago at which point he needed me like never before. he is now "fixed" for lack of a better word but I am now the one he wants furthest away. he says he loves me and will always love me but not the way a married couple is supposed to. he has tried in his mind to fix or find his love loss but now cannot even get excited in the bedroom with me, I feel like he is repulsed by me. Mid life crisis?? what to do??

Noel's response

It sounds as though he may be in a midlife transition. If he is feeling lost and confused about what to do in his life, he may be in the midst of the change. Time will help him get through it. The only thing I can suggest is the marriage counseling may help.

He may feel he needs to move out for a period of time in order to get things straightened out. I suggest you both read Crossing the Soul's River.

You might also want to set some boundaries about what you will and will not put up with. Ideally the marriage counselor will help with that.

Comments for again husband cares for me but has lost his feelings

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Feb 14, 2012
NPD?!
by: Anonymous

Some of the traits here are typical of narcissistic personality disorder. This is a very real and very traumatic experience to endure. I am not a professional but if you find yourself at a loss and unable to explain things then this is something you may want to consider.
I have spent the last 10months getting over the most horrific break up after a 7 year relationship ended without any warning whatsoever. I was also pregnant when he left me for a married co worker at our place of work. I lost absolutely everything - from him, to my job (which I decided to walk away from to avoid the pain of seeing them flaunt their new relationship) and also the baby. I've ended up living back with parents at age 28 and I also lost my dog which I had for 5 years. Its rocked me to the very core and the foundations which my life was based on have just vanished into thin air. Ive never felt so insignificant in my life. Through all of this, I had never known him to be so cold and disconnected from me in all of the time I've known him. He was/is a completely different person from the one I spent such a big part of my life with. Everything was about him and how he felt and what he wanted. He even came back to me 5 months after he'd left and spun a web of utter lies to yet again get what he wanted. These type of men will stop at nothing to break you. The only person they care about is themselves. I still struggle most days to come to terms with everything and make sense of it all. I don't think I ever will.

Stay strong and look within to become whole again.

Jan 11, 2012
the book, crossing the soul's river
by: sandy

I'm gonna get it today.

Jan 08, 2012
going better
by: A

well I am happy to say we have gone to the marriage counselor and I feel we have what it takes to get through this. Since my last letter he has divulged all the lies and deceit and has since told me that he was lying to himself and me in relation to not loving me anymore. Marriage counseling has revealed that he is or was going through a mid-life crisis and we are on the road to working things out. I just hope now that I can deal with the horrible mistake he has made and I want to find the tools necessary to pick up the pieces and move on with our marriage and hopefully make it better and stronger than it ever has been.

Jan 07, 2012
I totally understand
by: Michele

I'm in exactly in a similar situation. Married for 30 years and thought I was the love of his life. We are going thru a divorce now and he lives with the other woman. He is a high stress guy and obsesses on his work and his boss (negatively). The other woman is his co worker has provided him comfort and companionship in his work place. He has told me many times and its finally getting thru my head that he doesn't love me. He even keeps our only child at arms length for fear it could complicate his new relationship with her and his new family. He also told me how the other woman's mother and children love him because he treats her so well.

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