Any hope?

by Annie
(South Africa)

Hi. I am so desperate and tired. We have been married for 27 years.(very happily I thought)
Two years ago my husband aged 48 met up with his ex girlfriend - they were 17/18 at the time. He came home and talked about her non stop. He told me he was in love with her and no longer felt the same for me I immediately told him to stop all contact with her.

Against my wishes he saw her a couple more times. He says they met, so no physical contact or sex - more emotional! He went through depression, heavy drinking and seems to have turned a corner. He is no longer depressed and has cut down on the drinking. He says he loves me but has cut me off emotionally and physically. I'm not sure if it's because he is angry with me or if he's still in love with her and not being honest with me. He says he just doesn't feel like affection or sex.

I really don't know what to do. This has been going on for two years now. Do I carry on being patient? He refuses to go to any more psychologists! He is very into himself, changed career and travels all over, quite happy to leave me at home - totally unlike the way he used to be.

When I'm really down he suddenly is affectionate and does all the right things - the minute I'm fine he backs off me again. I'm so confused!

Noel's response

I don't know that there is anything you can 'do about him', but you could do something for yourself. I suspect you are spending a lot of time and emotional energy focused on this situation.

I suggest you get on with your life, no matter what he chooses to do with his time and emotions. If you had a few sessions with a psychologist he/she might be able to help you figure out what you want in your life, with or without your husband.