Boundaries?

by Confused
(USA)

Noel,
You mention setting boundaries...My husband says he has to "fix" him before he can work on us. Yet he hasn't left me, he's just distant. He still says he loves me, but things are so tense between us when we're alone. As a family, he seems happy. He laughs and we still do our every day things together. I just don't know how to set boundaries when he's still in the house. I feel like I'm waiting for him to tell me when he's leaving yet he says he didn't say he wanted to leave. He has said we couldn't afford to divorce, but if he's so unhappy why stay, even for finances? He has said before that he has to take baby steps, then other times he says he doesn't know how to handle what he's going through. I've never called it MLC to him, so talking is difficult. We do try, though. But again, do I set boundaries, even though we're still together? Very confusing time right now...

Noel's response

I guess I didn't understand your situation fully, although what I meant by boundaries is that you decide what you will and will not put up with for your own peace of mind. For example if he uses abusive language (many men in midlife transitions become irritable and lash out at their family members), you would let him know you will not put up with that. If he is distant and acting unloving, but still wants sex, you would decide whether you are available.

Perhaps if you suggested he look at this website he would see himself, and get some useful information.

Here is a short video about midlife transitions that I just finished yesterday, as part of a re-launch of my book "A Harley Or My Wife". It is not public yet, but may be helpful to you and/or him: A Man's Midlife Transition