Can his feelings change in midlife transition?
The Question
I'm 43 he is 42. I was laid off of a well paying job nine months ago. We started arguing over money and paying bills. My husband is on meds for high blood pressure and some other meds, and has had erection problems. He decided six months ago that he wasn't in love with me anymore and not attracted to me. He decides this after 10 years of marriage.
He was leaving our home and taking my stepdaughters to his dads to live. He hasn't left yet, says he can't find the right time but still feels the same.
He gets me cards for special days, but nothing mushy, just saying have a happy whatever. We still do everything together, so I don't think there is another woman, but he does text on his cell phone a lot.
He asked that when he leaves we still do everything together, because he wants to do everything with me. He doesn't want to be with anybody else, but has not wore his wedding ring for the last six months. I told him no, that I have to get on with my life, and it has changed his attitude some.
Now he always gives me a kiss when he leaves and says "I love you". He used to complain about sex, now he never tells me no and he lets me snuggle without him complaining. I'm so confused, please help.
Noel's response
It may be that he is just working his way through a midlife transition, and doesn't know what he wants. Your financial situation could also have a lot to do with his internal struggle. I agree with your telling him that you have to get on with your life, and I suspect that made him think about what he would be giving up if he didn't stay married to you.
If he is willing, I recommend you go to marriage counselling.
My only other suggestion is that you use your judgement on when/if you tell him it's time to make a decision, and either re-commit to your marriage, or move out. Only you know how long you are willing to accept the situation as it is, even though it sounds as though it is better than it was.
