Can men go through a midlife crisis at the age 35?

by Dottie
(New Jersy)

The Question

My husband has been acting like a complete bachelor for the past 5 months now. He is drinking, draining our bank accounts on his drinking, and hanging out with men who aren't married. Some of these men are still living at home, not to mention quite a few of them have questionable backgrounds.

He has a picture of him and a girl on his phone (which he swears isn't him), he is talking to supposedly lady friends on a daily basis. He is barely paying the bills, mortgage and taxes. He doesn't spend time with the kids like he used to. He constantly blames me, says everything wrong is my fault and he couldn't be anymore miserable. He has become so hateful, arrogant and selfish towards me. He says he wants out of the marriage but yet refuses to leave.

I am at a loss. I know I am not always the easiest person to live with, but I know this is not the man I married, and I can't help but wonder, is this a mid-life crisis?

Please any insight you may be able to give me would be greatly appreciated. I really feel helpless at this point, as none of the tactics I have used to remind him of what he has and what we will lose if this continues, has had any effect on his behaviour.
Sincerely,
A Distraught Wife

Noel's response

I don't know whether this is a midlife crisis, although it has some of the earmarks of one: shirking responsibility, trying to act younger than he is, doing the 'single thing'. And yes, men can go through a midlife crisis at age 35.

However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You say he says he wants out of the marriage, but won't leave, so I suggest you make him shape up or ship out. Give him an ultimatum, that his behaviour has to change or he has to leave, and if he doesn't, see a lawyer to protect yourself legally and financially, change the locks, and if necessary, get a restraining order against him.

However you have to do it, let him know you are not going to put up with his behaviour any longer. He will then either wake up or not, but you will be able to get on with your own life, rather than spend all your time and energy dealing with him.