Can men go through a midlife crisis at the age 35?

by Dottie
(New Jersy)

The Question

My husband has been acting like a complete bachelor for the past 5 months now. He is drinking, draining our bank accounts on his drinking, and hanging out with men who aren't married. Some of these men are still living at home, not to mention quite a few of them have questionable backgrounds.

He has a picture of him and a girl on his phone (which he swears isn't him), he is talking to supposedly lady friends on a daily basis. He is barely paying the bills, mortgage and taxes. He doesn't spend time with the kids like he used to. He constantly blames me, says everything wrong is my fault and he couldn't be anymore miserable. He has become so hateful, arrogant and selfish towards me. He says he wants out of the marriage but yet refuses to leave.

I am at a loss. I know I am not always the easiest person to live with, but I know this is not the man I married, and I can't help but wonder, is this a mid-life crisis?

Please any insight you may be able to give me would be greatly appreciated. I really feel helpless at this point, as none of the tactics I have used to remind him of what he has and what we will lose if this continues, has had any effect on his behaviour.
Sincerely,
A Distraught Wife

Noel's response

I don't know whether this is a midlife crisis, although it has some of the earmarks of one: shirking responsibility, trying to act younger than he is, doing the 'single thing'. And yes, men can go through a midlife crisis at age 35.

However, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You say he says he wants out of the marriage, but won't leave, so I suggest you make him shape up or ship out. Give him an ultimatum, that his behaviour has to change or he has to leave, and if he doesn't, see a lawyer to protect yourself legally and financially, change the locks, and if necessary, get a restraining order against him.

However you have to do it, let him know you are not going to put up with his behaviour any longer. He will then either wake up or not, but you will be able to get on with your own life, rather than spend all your time and energy dealing with him.

Comments for
Can men go through a midlife crisis at the age 35?

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Jan 30, 2012
 It's unfair
by: Anonymous

I am 29, my fiance is 37. We have been together for 5 yrs, engaged for 4. We have never actually married due to issues with jobs/financials,but it was always something he said he wanted. We have been trying for the past year to conceive but have not had any luck. Last week he came home and told me he does not want to have a kid. He already has 3 from a previous marriage and I have none. I love him and his boys dearly. His kids and I have a great relationship. I don't want to leave because I do love the kids and I am madly in love with my fiance. I don't know what to do... I am trying to deal with the fact of not having a child of my own and sharing that bond with him, but it's extremely hard! I can't wrap my head around this, any words of wisdom??
Jan 27, 2012
 33 year old husband
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been together for 7 years but have been married for only 4. We met at the place where I worked and it seem like I knew he was suppose to be my husband. My daughter that I had beofore the marriage got hit by a car and he was right there for her and he still is until this day. This year this other woman has been trying to get his attention and she finall got it by telling him a lot of lies that I said about him. So in October of 2011 he came to me and told me that he wanted to be single. When he did that he stopped paying bills, being selfish and mean, talking to me any kind of way, and being that father figure. He started to hang out with younger guys and he left me for that other woman that told him all those lies. Now my house is in foreclosure, all my bills are at least a month behind, and I am getting ready to have his baby.
Nov 14, 2011
 im 36 and would appreciate you thoughts
by: Anonymous

im 36, fair looks fit healthy treat my women like princesses,was married at the age of 28 for 9 months before i found out she was having 6 month affair, hence marriage ended, i then started seeing a friend, T, most beautiful person id ever met, ended up 4 yrs later she not only cheated on me but confessed to cheating 2 yrs earlier, which made me quesion all the nights at friends house and other nights out ect when i was deployed overseas with army, anyway we broke up,my question is ive never really had a passion or hobby apart from the women ive been with, i lived for spoiling T,and when we parted alot of me died inside, dont get me wrong this is no hard luck story life goes on, but im now with the perfect woman she has a heart of gold and loves me dearly, ill be honest im not as attracted to her physically as i have been with past partners,but is that my inner self not letting go to open to a new woman again, and im not half as passionate about her as i feel i should,is this history catching up or is it i feel ive lost my passion in life,i go out to the pub ect and (actually even at work) i find my social skills are rapidly decreasing ive lost the confidence i used to have even in general conversation,i do drink but no more than i ever have, i have a perfect life ive got property, earn good money, no kids,(which isnt perfect)and back to the point am i going through mid life, or some crazy emotional drama,and how do i get me back?

Noel's comment

You may be in a transition. The book "The Seasons of a Man's Life" by Daniel Levinson may be helpful to you.

Also, if you 'live to spoil your girlfriends', chances are you have unspoken expectations of them in return, which may not even be consciously aware of. Paying careful attention to what you expect (more sex? be treated in some special way?) might show you have a hidden agenda, which the girlfriend may also be aware of at some level, and find smothering.
Nov 14, 2011
 im 36 and would appreciate you thoughts
by: Anonymous

im 36, fair looks fit healthy treat my women like princesses,was married at the age of 28 for 9 months before i found out she was having 6 month affair, hence marriage ended, i then started seeing a friend, T, most beautiful person id ever met, ended up 4 yrs later she not only cheated on me but confessed to cheating 2 yrs earlier, which made me quesion all the nights at friends house and other nights out ect when i was deployed overseas with army, anyway we broke up,my question is ive never really had a passion or hobby apart from the women ive been with, i lived for spoiling T,and when we parted alot of me died inside, dont get me wrong this is no hard luck story life goes on, but im now with the perfect woman she has a heart of gold and loves me dearly, ill be honest im not as attracted to her physically as i have been with past partners,but is that my inner self not letting go to open to a new woman again, and im not half as passionate about her as i feel i should,is this history catching up or is it i feel ive lost my passion in life,i go out to the pub ect and (actually even at work) i find my social skills are rapidly decreasing ive lost the confidence i used to have even in general conversation,i do drink but no more than i ever have, i have a perfect life ive got property, earn good money, no kids,(which isnt perfect)and back to the point am i going through mid life, or some crazy emotional drama,and how do i get me back?
Oct 03, 2011
 men blah
by: Anonymous

ive been with my friend for a year and 8 months and weve always gotten along, no disagreements, no arguments, no nothing. very refreshing relationship. but he always talking about his gray coming in and his weight and how is still trying to hold on this his youth. he's hanging out more with his friends. he's 44 and im 44, and every 3 months he'll some what disappear.

so finally i had enough of the back and forth. so he says to me over dinner one evening, i just want to be single. at that point i felt like i had been run over by a dump truck! boy oh boy was i upset. he said that its not me, but when in a situation like most of us, you cant help to feel that is you. well ladies have no fear, do what you have to do and leave them right where they want to be, confused and all. men go thru midlife crisis up to 3 to 10 yrs. another word for it is andropause.
Sep 11, 2011
 Liar
by: Anonymous

Wow I didn?t know this was so real and it is happening to many people, It just happen to me my husband of 8 years, has been having an affair with a cleaning woman at work for a few months and about a month ago I discover it I wanted to leave and he told me It was just an emotional affair not physical, what a dope I believe it, he said he was confused and needed time for himself.

I understood because we hit a bumpy road and I withdrew from him. So he look for confort somewhere else. The thing that shocks me is that he did not want to let me go he keep lying to me about the woman and lying to her about us, he told her he has file for a divorce and in the meantime he was telling me he wanted to work things out.

Well last Friday 3 days ago I had enough, and left I can?t not believe his reaction, he sounds happy and very ugly to me, I do not understand why he didn?t just walked away I would not have stopped him, He knows that.

Now he blames it on me, he has become a compulsive liar. I read every text he sent her and it is all lies, and she believes him, I saw naked pics of her in his email she looks so cheap. But I need to get over the fact that he played me, I am hurting so much over that. All he had to do is walk away.
Aug 01, 2011
 Sad
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 7yrs and my husband is 30 he said he wanted a divorce because he was bored with his life and blames me because I am always fighting with him. he works night I hardly see him he is always hiding his cell phone and now it's worse one day he jumped out of the show because I touched it and to make it worse when we have intercourse he loses his erection. I am scared to leave I have three kids and want my mareiage to work but I am afraid there is another woman please anyone help me.
Jul 24, 2011
 Lost for words
by: Anonymous

Wow I am experiencing a lil of the same thing I am not an easy person to live with however our situation is a lil bit different he does everything for us but now he is talking about getting a motorcycle and not a truck like we discussed and now he says he wants a sports car and just the other day I heard him whispering on the phone to a woman co worker but he says I am crazy then I call up there several times and hang up just to see if it would get back to me sure enough he said the girls in the office told him they got over twenty hang ups but why tell him ...what is of his concern if there is nothing going on there!!!We have been together for 16 yrs I never thought he would act this way he always told me he would never but who knows
Jul 19, 2011
 my husband is 33
by: Anonymous

im goin through the same thing within 2 weeks my husband went from lovin his family till walkin out on us and not wanting to no. He had started botherin with fellas aged 24 and under and i no he had been textin other women dont no whats happened to him but im left broken hearted
Jul 13, 2011
 15 year marriage
by: Anonymous

My husband of 15 years three months ago decided he didn't want to renew the vows after he was the one that wanted to do it. We had already paid 3,500 for the hall, food, and cake.

We have been together for 18 years, high school sweethearts. Yes we have had our ups and downs we have both made mistakes in the marriage communication was the biggest problem. He has never been able to talk to me we would start out and it would turn into an argument. So on March 6, 2011 he told me why do we have to get married again we are already married. I told him because you said you wanted to do this. On april 8 ,2011 he moved out lived with his parents for a bit. Then on May 13,2011 he got his own apartment.

He came took furniture and our breakfast table to his new home. He started out seeing the kids everyday and having them every weekend. And just two weeks ago he changed it and said I'm only gonna get the kids every other weekend. He spends maybe an hour or hour and 1/2 with them every day. By 8 pm or earlier the kids are home. Our kids are having a real hard time with this. However my husband feels that they shouldn't because they are kids.

Our 13 year old son had an argument with him two days ago. My husband asked if our son wanted to hang out with him and my son replied no thanks . My husband asked can ask why my son said cause I don't want to see you right now. My husband asked what has changed and my son replied I just don't want to. Then my husband began to get angry and started preaching to our son about him having to go to summer school and quitting football he told him you cant quit you have to try hard and never give up do it to your potential. My son replied to him ok so your telling me never quit always try hard, then said PRACTICE what you PREACH your telling me never give up look at you you left the one that you love. So dont tell me never give up.

Oh my husband blew up and of coarse turned it around on our son telling him he is just a boy and doesn't know what hes saying. My son told him I am more of a man than you will ever be. He has also told me he is talking to other women as friends. I call Bull Shit but it is going to be his loss.

I am a very beautiful 35 year old Hispanic woman I gave him 3 beautiful children. He is acting like a teenager again he has another cell phone he texts and talks on it all the time. Like a kid , when he takes the kids to his place he ignores them and is always on the phone or texting or working out.

I love him so much and I know I need to let him find himself but I am so scared that if I leave him alone he will never come back home to us.
Jul 10, 2011
 confused
by: Anonymous

My husband is 33 years old and we have been together for almost 7 years. We've been through so much together and we had a strong bond. Our love for each other was like no other, until recently.

He stopped paying attention to me, his pattern of behavior just changed, he started talking to another woman and from no where told me how miserable he was with me and made every excuse in the book on why he did not want to be with me anymore. He left me and told me he wanted a divorce. He said he did not love me anymore. All of this happened in a matter of two weeks.

I am devastated and shocked by the whole experience. He never gave me a warning, not even a clue. I did not even know our relation was that bad.
I feel helpless.
Jun 24, 2011
 advice
by: Anonymous

It's probably another woman. I went through it and it's just pure selfishness. Woman are like men now a days and go after men who are already committed. It's makes it easier to be with because they don't have to mold or train them. Worry about you and your children if you have any. Love you all, I've been going through it for a year now.
Jun 24, 2011
 heart broken
by: Anonymous

My BF of 7 years just left me. He just turned 34. He said that he still loves me, I am the last person in this world that he wants to hurt or see in pain. He cares for me deeply but his love for me has changed. We never fought. I don't listen... well talk over him, when I am excited about telling a story. But we have been each others best friends.... I am shock and shaken. I didn't see it coming. I was completely blind-sighted.
Jun 21, 2011
 Same issue
by: Anonymous

My 34 year old husband of almost 10 years is doing the exact same thing. He says he's confused, he told me he still loves me, but he's not IN LOVE with me anymore!... In 10 years of marriage we had two very small arguments, everything was perfect and all of a sudden he drops this on me. I need to move on with our two children, just don't know how...
Jun 17, 2011
 I'm a guy. 35 and single
by: Anonymous

I think most of you ladies have husbands wanting to try the single life again. A lot of my friends say I'm lucky to be single because marriage sucks so they look @ the multitude of pretty women they encounter and long for their freedom. Its nice and all being single but damn its a lonely world ahead. Soon they will realize it was all a phase they went through but it'll be too late. I could almost bet they will call you ladies back. Hope this helps
Apr 12, 2011
 I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

My husband is 38 he left me too. He said im crazy. Maybe sometimes. He left me in Colorado and went back to Seattle where we are from. It has been 2 months. He says he misses me and loves me and wants to come visit.

He says he has been faithful. Only he goes out all the time for 2 to 3 days blows off work. Forgets to call our son. I lie for him to our son so he doesn't get hurt. I'm 23 weeks preg. I miss him so much. I miss the man that was a father and husband. Not whoever he is now. 38 and clubs give me a break. I am sure there is drugs too.

I am trying to better myself with therapy to be a better person. I know if we don't work out I still will be a better person. I do love him and hope he will get back on track. But I also know i may be on my own and to accept it. We will all be ok. Just really sad for awhile.
Mar 19, 2011
 Men in general
by: Anonymous

I just think men are selfish pigs and refuse to grow up and they blame everyone else and are too much of weak character to even look within and see what is really going on. Pathetic creatures they are....
Feb 12, 2011
 want my husband bk
by: Anonymous

My husband of nearly 35 has been through a lot: he lost his both his parents with in 4 years. We are married have 3 boys and a baby girl due in 8 weeks and all he has wants to do is go out with his friends not. Blames me for a lot of things and says he needs to think. He's confused but he doesn't know why!! He says he loves me but he just needs time so he moved out!! He's acting like he is single!! what do I do? It hurts so much. Just want my husband back !!
Nov 15, 2010
 the same situation
by: Anonymous

my husband told me the same thing that he was confused he needed time to himself. we were trying to have another son he begged me not to leave but i had to i was going crazy and didn't want my 5 year old son to see me cry anymore.

its been three weeks and i found out he is with another woman and he says the best thing i could have done is left.

its hard to pick up everything and leave but i had to don't get me wrong i love him and i would give anything for him to come look for me but that's not going to happen. all i could tell u is follow your heart
Nov 10, 2010
 craziness
by: Anonymous

My husband is 35 and came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. He turned cold, and mean. He said, maybe he wasn't meant to be married.

We have been married for 5 years and have a son. It's a little late in the game to say that. I moved out and left him, then moved back in my home and he got an apartment. He blamed me for leaving him and said he was so hurt and now he is confused. He blames me... He is crazy. I am young and attractive and don't have time for silly games.
Nov 04, 2010
 I went thru the same
by: Anonymous

I recently went through the same thing my husband of 8 years who was doing the same thing. It got to the point that I packed up and left a week ago. My 5 year old son does not have to see me cry anymore for a man that does not appreciate me or my feelings. It hurt me so much to leave but I had to.
Sep 23, 2010
 desperate...
by: Anonymous

I am going through the same thing but my story is a little different...
I have been with this guy 7 yrs. & engaged for 4. We built a home together however its not in my name. He has been acting the same as the above but haven't seen any evidence of another woman yet.

He has told me twice to get out & I told him I'm not giving up everything again like I did in my previous marriage.

I tried to talking to him & he says he doesn't have any answers & doesn't know what to say about it.

I am 45 & he is 42. I am at my wits end....& am being crushed because I love him so much. Any advice would help...thanks
Jul 16, 2010
 midlife crisis or what
by: Anonymous

I cant believe what I have read you have just described the actions and behaviour of my husband of 17 years(4 kids)welcome to my world.

The last straw was when my husband was texting to a Polish girl. I phoned girl and asked what was going on she replied that's up to your husband to tell you.

I threw my husband out there and then that was three months ago. I believe he behaved the way he behaved towards me to justify his actions,However my husband still blames me(hello)
Apr 13, 2010
 HELP is available
by: Anonymous

Read books by Michele Weiner Davis ... don't wait ...
Apr 08, 2010
 My soon to be 35 year old husband
by: Anonymous

I have only been married for a year and a half and my 34 year old husband is doing the same thing but we are not living together..My heart is soooo broke..He says he needs to think but still wears his wedding band...help.

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