Dealing with separation and Infedility

by Erica
(San Antonio, Texas)

I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair July 2014 with my friend and next door neighbor(also married). When I confronted him he said he they were just really good friends. I explained to him that this made me feel very uncomfortable and felt betrayed. he said he would no longer speak to her but it did continue. He became more and more distant until he completely shut me out. He stayed in the home for the next 6 months but things got worse. We constantly were fighting, I begged him to stop, cried constantly and began changing some of things that I had been doing wrong in the relationship but to him it seemed a little too late. He was just becoming more and more attached to her. Eventually he moved out in Feb and we are now going on 5 months being separated. He says he loves me but not in love with and that he needs this time to go through his process. He is still speaking with her and is hot and cold with me. He calls me and stops by all the time to see what I am doing or to see/speak to the kids. He constantly wants to know what I am doing where I am going and what I am up to, and I don't understand why he does this. He says he wants the marriage and he misses his family but he can't find his feelings back for me, but then he does nothing to try to work on the marriage. He continues to lie to me and says he no longer speaks to her but this is not true. His lies are hurting me the most. He told me a month ago that he did have feelings for the OW but he loved me and was going to work on us, but that has now changed and he is back to being very distant and cold. He still calls me but I just don't know what to do at this point. I love him very much but I can't continue to deal with his on and off again actions. what do I do when he calls. I don't want to be rude but i just feel i need to put my foot down. I believe he will continue his behavior as long as he knows i am sitting here waiting for him. Because we have kids i just don't know how to handle this. He says I am not the woman he fell in love with and all he wants is for me to be that person again, but it is so hard when i have been cheated on and betrayed by him and my so called friend. Is this a hopeless situation?

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Feb 27, 2016
MID LIFE SEPARATION AND INFEDILITY
by: SUE

My husband of 33 and a half years of marriage has been going through this nightmare for about 18 months now. A stable relationship has been totally destroyed and he,s now having a relationship with a 22 yr old former employee. He's 54 yrs old. The pattern of his behaviour is an absolute classic of the mid life script.we have been separated for 13 months with so much behaviour change in him over this time.First of all, we had a trial separation at home which was pretty toxic. Then over to another property of ours whilst he needed space and freedom ( also starting the relationship with the young girl )Counselling was something he agreed to, but really he had already emotionally detached from me and was just going through the motions. It'S been some roller coaster... He's not the same person I have known all my life. He's gone from being loyal, to a man with no morals. He's slept with 3 women that he's told me about... could be more...... He's so entitled to what he's doing and has no idea of the pain and hurt he's caused. Lucky for him that our adult kids are "going with the flow". Our children are 11, 10 and 3 yrs OLDER than his girlfriend. Separation and infidelity are something I NEVER would have thought could happen to us.

Jul 07, 2015
Dealing with separation and Infedility
by: NWF

Hello Erica, He is lying and will continue to do so. These people want to keep you hanging on. These are called Touch-n-goes and it stinks to do it to you. He is vey confused and he is a cheater...sorry to say that to you. Put your foot down....no contact unless about business and the kids. No crying or begging or saying anything emotional to him. He is a mess right now and cannot handle any more emotional stress. Get separation papers going for financial protection and child visitation. Protect your money and your credit. Please go to the website: The Hero's Spouse.com and read the 'Articles' to educate yourself about midlife crisis and what to expect.

Read some of the stories on the forum. You will see that you are not alone in this and it is not your fault!!! Educate yourself and protect your finances...for you and your kids future!!

Find a good friend and hold on tight...it's going to be a long ride.

Hugs for you, NWF

Jul 06, 2015

by: Noel

I don't think it is necessarily a hopeless situation, but I think you are right when you say you need to put your foot down. He has moved out of your house, so no longer has 'rights' to it. i.e. he has given up the right to know what you are doing, where you are going or what you are up to.

If you set some boundaries around his access to you and the kids (e.g. he can see them at his place but not yours, etc.) it may make him wake up and become more responsible in his decisions. That doesn't necessarily mean he will come back, but he will have to take the situation seriously. If he wants the marriage to work he will have to start working on it with you.

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