Dealing with the hell of my husbands midlife crisis
My husband and I have been together for 19 years. He is turning 50 this year and it really has been bothering him. For the past year or so he has been emotionally shutting down from his family. He would come home and shut himself in the bedroom and play video games. For the past 5-6 months it has been like living with a yoyo. One day he would come home and inform me that he wants to separate and then a couple of days later he would want to reconcile, and it continued like this. I then found out that he was going outside our marriage and discussing us with another female who I have never met and doesn't know anything about how we were together before this all started happening. About a month ago I moved out because for my own sanity I couldn't continue living like this. After I left, I found out that the other female that he was discussing our marriage with was an old girlfriend of 4 years that he had in the 1980's.
There are two of him, the old one and the new one. The old one is the one that I loved and he would have done anything to protect his family from any kind of hurt and pain. The old one was also always so disgusted when he found out that someone we know cheated on their wife or girlfriend. He was so against cheating in any shape or form. This new one is a person that I don't know, like or trust. All he has done has inflicted pain on not only me his wife but to our son also. He is now having an affair with this former girlfriend who is also married with children herself. He is the polar opposite of the man that I once knew. I have been seeing a therapist about this, and I am getting really tired of being told to just be patient. My therapist has helped me understand what my husband is going through himself and keeps telling me that this man inside my husbands body really isn't my husband. But all the therapy and the help of trying to understand midlife crisis doesn't make the pain any less, the damage has already been done. He has crossed so many lines that the man I knew was so against.
I have decided that well he is going through his crisis that I am done, and that I am going to start trying to move on with my life, but I am not sure that I will still be done when his crisis is over, and that is what scares me. If when his crisis is over and we decide that we want to try and work on us as a couple the first things that would need to happen is that he would need to go to counseling himself and that we would need to have some serious couples counseling.
We have recently sat down and had a first honest talk in a long time. During this conversation he informed me that during one of our conversations we had (the one where said the mean hurtful things to me) that I told him that he was going to grow to be a lonely old man, and that was the reason he hooked up with his former girlfriend. To prove to himself that this wasn't true. I told him that I had only said that because I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, and that after 19 years together I still found him attractive and was very much so still attracted to him, and he said that he didn't know that I had felt like that.
Up until he started changing the past couple of years things were good with us. We would have fun and laugh all the time, even if we were just sitting on the couch doing nothing. When people who have known us for all those years including his best friend, found out that we have separated they are all shocked, saying how they really thought that we would be the last people they thought would ever break up.
Yesterday we both attended an event that our son was involved in. At first things were a little tense between us then we started getting along, talking, joking around and laughing. Everything was great. He then left for a little while, and when he came back the new one was out in full force and he was cold and argumentative. So I got up, calmly told him that when he decides that he really wants to work on us being friends to give me a call and I left. When I was driving out of the parking lot, I noticed him standing there watching me drive away.
I don't know what the future has in store for us but what I do know is that as long as he is going through his crisis there is no future for us.
There is not much I can say to help you. You are doing the things I would recommend. This too shall pass, but it is hard in the meantime.