devastated

by Devasted
(Phoenix az)

My husband and I have been together for 18 yrs and married for 15. Over the last we've had to move because I was relocated and he took charge of the family during these transitions and stayed home. We have have 3 boys ranging from 9-18 years old and he stayed home to rebuild their foundation and keep the family together. We were excited when my work started moving me around and thought of it as our journey. On July 4th 2016 we got into an argument and he said this was the last July 4th we would spend as a family. Couple of days later I sent him and email and he shared that he also had things to work on and would make an effort. Things were good for a couple of weeks and I thought he needed a break before he transitioned back to the workforce so I sent him to visit a mutual friend for about a week. Keep in mind this was a friend he has know since freshman year of high school and we all traveled together and apart many times. When he got back he asked me if I was happy because he hadn't been happy for a few years and wondered what else was out there for him to experience. I realized that my good intentions of sending him on a trip gave him the thought of what he could be missing out on. he even asked me if I had ever imagined being with someone else. I told him I loved him dearly and didn't imagine growing old and experiencing life without him. He was very surprised I said this. As the days went on things were good we literally were having sex almost every night. In the last couple of years it was like every 2-3 months and he would comment it hat we were roommates when he would get upset. I did so much more around the house and even pack him lunches every morning. He says he loves me but doesn't see me as he did back when we met. I can say sometimes he seems more affectionate and always says he loves me and calls me baby. He calls and texts and we have been making time for ourselves quite a bit. This weekend he said his thoughts were to have an amicable way to divide our finances, house rental etc and said he wouldn't go after me for alimony. By the way he works now. I didn't say much and tried not to react. A couple of days ago he was looking at marriage websites and got mad because I asked what he was doing. He even asked that I don't go to our sons football practice. I ended up going and was super nice at practice. Weird right? The other night I said I was tired and he asked if it was emotionally....I said emotional I felt like my heart has been ripped out and have a pit in my stomach. Then he asks if I'm embracing? I respond with no I'm not embracing what you want to do which is leave but I have come to the conclusion that the ball is in his court. Yesterday I sent him a text and explained it further....he replies back and says that this would be his journey to see what else the world had to offer. Maybe he would realize his family is the the best choice or maybe he would feel he made the right choice my leaving. He also said , where would I go? What would we tell the kids? Should we buy land out of state and say I'm fixing it up as an excuse? What if he or I meet someone.? This is what he put in the text. He also stated he wants to get into the weed business like in Colorado but wouldn't know how to get into it. I balled when I read it but knew I needed to stay calm. He says he doesn't want to screw me or the kids financially and has thought through what he wants. I don't want to ask him yet because we are refinancing a rental that I thought we would move into if anything ever happened to my job. But now I'm thinking I will move there with the kids to be closer to his parents and my family. I just don't want to screw anything up. I wonder though what his "amicable" division of assets looks like. When he got home he nor I mentioned the text discussion. But when I have the conversation of how he wants to split things I want him to knowing he leaves tomorrow or 2 years from now I'm giving him the same amount.

I adore him and feel shattered and I don't think he know how many people this affects. He is being selfish and I don't know how to make him wake up and realize that the vacation he had was just a vacation and not reality. By the way I'm not forking out money to buy a property out of state. Last thing.....did I mention he said accepting our marriage and making work means I accept the state we live inTX and his is not where I want my life to be. Part of me thinks it would be easier for him to leave the state but we have always been so close. I'm totally broken.

Comments for devastated

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Sep 02, 2016
Devastated
by: NWF

Dear Devastated,

First of all I'd like to say that I am sorry for your situation, I have been there and so have so many others. I have many thoughts but most importantly: Do not lie for him! If he wants to leave, it is up to him to tell your children, not you. He wants no responsibility anymore...for anything or anybody but himself. That comes with MLC. Everything you have said here is Script for a person going into full blown Midlife Crisis (MLC). They all read from the same book it seems so I have a saying for you: Believe nothing that he says (it gets worse before it gets better...if it gets better) and maybe 50% of what he does." He will lie lie lie to you and everybody else...different stories to each. He will say that he wants to be alone but most likely he won't be. He will get with the 1st person that is willing to have an affair with a married man...sorry to say, but maybe even your old friend that he visited or he may be having fantasies about her or someone else. Do not ever say that you want a divorce or a relationship with anybody else. Do not give him any ideas about divorce or any excuses for his upcoming very bad behavior. If he speaks of divorce, tell him that it will be his D and not yours. Try not to cry in front of him and do not beg, plead, or try to keep him there. Be strong...for yourself. There is nothing that you can do to stop this, it is his internal mess to deal with and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Do not take any blame for any of it since this will all be his choice...not yours, and you can tell him that.

Be very careful about your finances and get your accounts separated asap and get your own accounts and credit cards. These people love to spend every penny that they can get their hands on...like opening a pot store in Colorado. LOL You will hear him say many crazy things. He is very confused right now and you will see it. His thinking process will slow down and he will want you or someone else to make decisions for him. Don't do it, take no responsibility for his actions. But, be a kind as you possibly can for when (years) or if he ever gets thru this dark tunnel.

Find a good friend to talk with, hold on tightly with when needed, and perhaps knows about MLC or read about it. There is a good website, full of information for you: The Heros Spouse. You are the Hero, not him. Read other stories here and comments by me and others. By the way, counseling is not a good idea right now and he wont go anyway.

Hugs for you, NWF

Sep 01, 2016
I don want advice
by: Devastated..

Ido want advice

Sep 01, 2016
Devastated
by: Noel

You have not asked for advice, and I don't really have any. If you are going to separate/divorce, start preparing to defend yourself now. Your husband says he does not want to screw you or the kids, but if things heat up emotionally over the divorce, he may change his mind. There are many websites with advice for women.

Others on this blog may also have good suggestions.

The best case scenario is to stay together, if that is possible.

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