Divorce

The Question

My 41 years old husband and I had sexual problem for a year. He can not maintain his erection when having sex with me. With oral sex, he can come.

He has told me to sleep with other people if I want but don't let him know. I told him I don't want to do that. I wanted us to work on our sex life. Two months later he told me he wants a divorce. He is no longer passionate about me. He is giving up.

I thought that our relationship was without sex but is going fine. That was why I suggested we work on our sex life. Do you think he is going through a midlife crisis or what? He has moved out. What should I do? Thanks.

Noel's answer

He may be going through a midlife crisis, but I think the two of you (or certainly him by himself) would benefit from sex therapy. If he will not go, I don't know of much you can do, except perhaps seek some counselling for yourself to help deal with this situation.

Comments for Divorce

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Aug 20, 2014
Midlife crisis
by: Anonymous

I have been separated for 4 years now. I am not dating yet. It is just that I would like to spend sometimes on myself and with my daughter. I actually enjoy my freedom. I am open to another romantic relationship but I am not actively looking i.e.: looking on websites like harmony or such. I have girlfriends and really enjoy their friendships but I also would like to have a romantic relationship eventually. I am learning to tune into my own feelings. Like a book that I have read about men's midlife crisis that it actually make the wives evaluate their own lives as well. I actually feel much stronger and autonomous after going through this "hell". I am very thankful for this experience. I hope you will be ok too.

Aug 05, 2014
Caregiving
by: Anonymous

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have time for yourself even? It sounds like you are very involved in the care of your parents. May be some alone time to relax and reflect?

Aug 05, 2014
he wants to throw it all away
by: NWF

Hi, Are you the one that first started this thread? If you read anything about MLC on the Hero's Spouse website than you are aware that these people are depressed and angry inside but take that anger out on their spouses. They are very unhappy with their lives and are looking for a new life with someone else. They think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence...which it is not, of course. They need much emotional support, from another person, and will let that other person (OP)make decisions for them as they cannot right now...their minds have greatly slowed down and do not process information well at all. Do not bring up the D word and let them do the work on that front. I love you..does not work for them any longer and it only further confuses them and overwhelms them emotionally. If you can stand them at all, show support in other subtle ways. Please remember that this is their crisis and you did nothing to being it on, it would have happened no matter what you did. Until they are able to see this, and look inside themselves for the answers, their is nothing that you can do other than try to move forward with your own life and take care of you. MLC lasts a very long time (2-7 years) and you may choose to stand by or not, but do not move on bc they tell you to get another guy. They say this to alleviate their own guilt and hope you take some of that pressure of off them. The Hero's Spouse and the other web site, midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, are the same thing and provide much info on how to handle this sitch. You can also join the forum and ask many Q's or simply just read what the other stories there. They all start out the same, more or less.
There seems to be an unwritten script for what they all do and say.

Sending big HUGS to you.

Jul 29, 2014
he wants to throw it away
by: Anonymous

We've been married 20 years and I've been assisting my mother in caring for my dying father for almost a year. I stay at my parents all days but Saturday night. He says now that we aren't a couple anymore and wants a divorce. But he never accepted invitations to come stay with me here because he says we have our home. Shouldn't there be some compromise given the situation? He's said for years I'm getting old, look at all the gray hair, etc. Blah blah blah. I've always told him that I thought he was sexy. What in the world is going on? I've told him I love him and want to with on it. My dad is close to dying kids are fixing to be grown... it could be a beautiful thing. But he says he just doesn't have it in him to try. What is going on? My 20 marriage is about to end and I can't fix it! I need help! Ask any questions you'd like as I didn't go into specific detail... I just want some answers...

May 01, 2011
Update
by: Anonymous

I have been separated from my husband for 9 months. There is no talk of reconciliation from him. We don't talk. I don't like to talk to him too much because we tend to get into arguments. Things have calmed down because I have kept interactions brief. We are working on separation agreement with the lawyer.

I am wondering if it is time for me to move on?

Noel's comment
Yes, it is time.

Mar 24, 2011
Divorce
by: Anonymous

He has not come back. I am doing whatever I am doing right now. He wants a separation agreement and I am working with a lawyer to give it to him.

He is very irritable. It has been 8 months that he moved out. He did not bring anything with him. He is very irritated around me. I am still feeling hurt about him wanting a divorce but I am doing everything I could to make me happy. This event has made me more mature. Thanks for your comments.

Sep 27, 2010
Divorce
by: Anonymous from Minnesota

Yes, it does get worse...especially when he hooks up with a conniving type of woman that mine did. He and I had several conversations and he told me about the self-serving advice she gave him, including cutting off all communication with me and our daughter. He's been very emotionally and verbally abusive with me, and was, but no longer is with our daughter. Now we are going through a bitter divorce orchestrated largely by his new girlfriend because she had a bitter divorce herself.

He kept claiming he wants reconciliation but that has been nothing but a line of crap out of him. His idea of reconciliation is for him to move back in with me and resume our life together the way he dictates and I have no say in the matter. None of the issues that made him leave will be discussed. I am to accept him the way he is and like it.

I say, "No way! Good riddance to you! You are NOT the man I married!" I can't wait to sign the divorce papers...

Sep 07, 2010
Divorce
by: Anonymous

Thank you. I told him that I think he is going through midlife crisis. But he did not agree with me. He is still very responsible in term of spending. He has always been a caring and responsible husband and father.

Just lately, I found him quite irritable and difficult. I have a lot of troubles trying to focus on things. I have a young daughter to take care of. My heart goes out to you. Take care.

Sep 07, 2010
RE: Divorce
by: NWF

Hi,
My husband did the same thing for 7 or 8 years and oral sex did nothing to help our situation.

In April I found out he was having a telephone affair since February and he filed for divorce after 16 years.

He started accusing me of everything under the sun that I did wrong and caused this mess, never claimed anything was half his doing. His mind is blowing it all out of proportion as only our sex life was a mess due to stress on him from work.

I told him I didn't want the divorce and he asked me if I'd sleep with him and I did, every night for 2 months and it was great-- everything was working just fine now.

Then, with a 4-day notice, he walked out the door to an apartment 15 miles away so he could visit our 15 year old son. He did see the long distance girl, his ex from high school that dumped him and broke his heart and he then broke our wedding vows. This doesn't bother him at all since he told me "our relationship is over" he believes he can do anything he wants to.

Full of entitlement and self-centered money spending. Watch out for your money--go get it or he will spend it all! He went to her for emotional support-can you believe it? I found out today that she moved here yesterday and left her sick mother behind 1600 miles away.

He doesn't know that I know so I have to wait and see if he has the b---- to tell me. At least he didn't let her move in with him - I get mixed messages all of time. He apologizes to me if he thinks he upset me and then he will get angry again. They cycle and go through replay with the old, or new, girlfriend.

I don't think you need sexual therapy - it is his mind just starting to go through midlife transition which will turn into a crisis if he has an affair and you find out and the children don't know what the hell is going on.

Look on-line for other sites about this. I learned much through midlifecrisismarriageadvocate dot com. Check it out, for yourself to learn more about this from other woman who have gone through it.

Hold on to your hat - it gets worse.
NWF in New Hampshire

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