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do I have any hope

by Cora
(Dallas. Tx)

My husband of 48 years has just told me that he loves his "affair lady" more than me and wants to spend the rest of his life w/her... I am an active 69, he's active 66 with a 42yr old lover. They had a brief affair when she was 19 and he 42.. He told her at that time the age difference wouldn't work. About 4 yrs
ago after 23 years she appeared one day while he was in his garage...They exchanged telephone numbers. And it went from there. They only saw each other when he could find a good excuse to go somewhere.. They also saw each other a few times when my husband would go out of town for the week-end to ride his off-road bike And about 4 weeks in the summer I would be gone
on long week-ends with my daughter and son-in-law.
He was still living at our house until I kicked him out in Aug. We tried several times (2 days once, few more days once, 17 days once and just finished 7 days) he would always say he missed her too much to stay away from her, so he goes back. This time I told him to get anything that was his and move it out.
He told me he loved her more than me...But the over weeks he has told me all the things he doesn't like over there. She has a 15 yr old son and her mother who is "senile living there... He once (LIE??) that he didn't think he could grow old over there, but it looks like he has changed his mind about that. I love this man very much and would really take him back unless it takes too long, I keep hoping if he has to be over there weeks on end that he might not like it so much but on the other hand, I keep hearing "I love her more than you". Does anyone think there is a chance he will come back or do you think I have a lost marriage.
He says he loves me, but I guess he's not in love w/me.

Noel's response

My suggestion is you figure out what you want in your life. You seem ok with him having an affair, and then taking him back if sometime down the road he feels like it.

I recommend you see a counselor to help you figure out where you want to go with your own life, and whether you even want him with you if he does get tired of the situation with the girlfriend's household.

Comments for
do I have any hope

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Jan 24, 2012
 back for good/?
by: jo

I live with a man that said "if that worked we wouldn't have" then after all hope was gone and she dumped him for another married bald guy, (his words) what can he tell his wife. I wasn't thinking right? I was crazy. I can't believe I was so needy. I was depressed. I didn't treat you right. I always loved you. I still love you. I was Jezebel-ed. I was obsessing over something that wasn't important. I think of his words every night when I try to sleep. every night. He liked everything about her though "there wasn't anything to like".? will he stay? can I ever wow him ? compete? no way. with what his thoughts and feelings he convinced himself of. will he try to do better yet. greener grass still, where when? how does he treat me now? like before her ,only this isn't before her. this is now. It's not that he lied to me, it's just that I can't ever believe him now. he wanted to be happy. are we now/ ? is this what he wanted ? for that not to work out for him? to be rejected? of course not. so how and why was he so dissatisfied? we were so busy, and active and happy. well I thought. but of course life blindsided me, and now. now I am stuck. not knowing how to go on with life, not be his fool, still enjoy all I enjoyed before his only desire was for her. maybe this lasts 2 months, 2 years, 5 years. an eternity, in my mind it will be an eternity, it has been already. so if you love him, can we love as we did? I try. I think I do. but do I?
Dec 04, 2011
 re: do I have any hope
by: Anonymous

Ok, really? It sounds like your husband thought the grass would be greener living with his "affair" chick, however, he soon learned that the lawn needed maintenance at her home as well. When will men learn?
Nov 27, 2011
 Do I have any hope?
by: NWF

There is always hope!!

I would have no contact with the "rubber band man" until he figure this out and gives you a true apology for all the hurt he has caused you. Do not let him back in until the affair is definitely over with. Do not let him bounce back and forth, it is not right by you. Look out for yourself first and do not fix his problems for him.

He may be "dead" inside and only feels the infatuation for her--that is all they feel (really)right now. If he still tells you that he loves you--take that for the truth and let the rest go or now, let it roll off of your shoulders. When he is over this stage and loss of his dignity and self-esteem, he may be back for good--maybe not also. My guess is that he will be back but maybe later.

Hugs for you, NWF

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