Do they ever come back?

by S
(Canada)

Hello. I will try to be brief. My boyfriend of almost 2 years stopped all contact with me when he found out his sister was not going to live much longer. One day everything was 'normal' with us - on phone every day, weekends together, ongoing plans for the future and then nothing. We were talking on the phone the last day we spoke and he had a call come in. Said he had to take it and he'd call me right back. That was August 24th. I have heard nothing from him since then. A month later, his sister passed away. A lot sooner than he thought she would have. I went to the funeral and afterwards went to him to give him a hug and he said he'd call me later in the week. I told him I was going to the cemetery and he told me that he rather I didn't. So out of respect for his wishes I didn't go.

He never did call me. I tried calling him a few times and I left him a few texts. Nothing demanding; just to let him know I was there for him. I sent 2 letters as well saying about the same thing. He was very close with his sister and I know this has devastated him to his core. I understand how this feels as I lost my brother a few years ago.
I guess because there was no closure from him that we were over, I wonder if this behaviour is arising from the upset he is feeling about his sister. I suspect it is. Now to add to his burden, his elderly dad is not well and it is just himself and his brother living with their dad. (Mother has passed away, as well as another sister just last spring). I would love to be there to support him but clearly he wants to be alone. I have been told by a family member that this is typically how he copes with things. Shuts down and builds a wall. From a guy's perspective, do you think it is possible that this is a major depression and maybe our relationship ending has been fall out, and if so, do they ever come back? Any advice for me? Is there anything I might be able to do to support him through this? I have not pushed him for answers. I've just let him know I am here for him and that I still love him. Again, prior to this, we had future plans. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he firmly believed we were meant to be together forever. It has been a total 180 and I am trying to understand his point of view. Thank you for reading this.


Noel's response

He may well be depressed, and he is certainly grieving. My own experience with a major loss is that it takes about three years to recover.

As to what you can do for him, I think what you are doing now is all you can do. To push him for more contact would likely make him more distant.

You might also want to consider whether this is the man for you, knowing that if you do stay together, and perhaps get married, he will deal with the stresses that come with a relationship the same way.

Comments for Do they ever come back?

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May 29, 2012
Update:
by: S

I still have not heard from him. Making matters worse, his dad passed away about 4 weeks ago, so that is 3 losses in immediate family in 2 years. I went to the funeral but did not go to him while there because I figured it may stress him further if he felt he had to speak to me when he was that upset.

As he was leaving the church, he had to walk past me and when he saw me, he broke down in tears.

I have never stopped loving him and it's been 9 months now since he stopped calling me. I am still hanging on to hope that once he may contact me again at some point. I do sent him texts every now and then just to let him know I am thinking about him and hope he's ok. Almost everyone says I need to confront him once and for all and get an explanation for why he left the relationship like he did, but I can't do it. I respect what he is going through with grieving and I don't feel like a confrontation would be the best course of action. It is very difficult though.

Apr 07, 2012
To give it time
by: Anonymous

My partner called me yesterday and said we need to talk,,,I hate that,so usualy i stay the weekend and I am home with a broken heart,sick to my stomach,headache from crying so much and so on. He told me that he needs space and time. We only see each other Fridays and saturdays for the past 7 years,, why does he feel suffocated? We only see each other on the weekends. He admitted that he could be going through a midlife crisis. He said he doesn't want to be tied down. He also said he still wants to see me and do things with me and that he still loves me but doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I told him I would not call, or message him or contact him in any way again. I said that you you want to see me or call me,he knows where I am and we left it at that. I had planned to make him a romantic meal with wine and had a nice card with a poem expressing how deeply I love and care for him and an easter Lilly for him and one to plant on his sisters resting site. When I left this morning I gave him a kiss and said good bye and gave him the card ,poem and Lilly. I hope and pray that he gets to where he wants to be and realizes that it is so rare to find somebody that unconditionally loves him the way I do.. I will wait to the very end for him because I told him that he was worth it. Happy Easter to You

Apr 06, 2012
Give it time
by: Anonymous

I can relate in some ways with what you say but in reverse. I lost my mother in an accident and was traumatized for over two years,to be honest I still struggle and am not the person I was before this happened.
Your partner possibly feels similar that everything changes internally and this is very hard to explain no matter how willing you or anyone else tries to offer understanding and support. His world has turned on its axis and the loss within the family unit is far reaching. Its complex, energy draining and time consuming. At this time for him he possibly has nothing left to invest in a relationship, not even to explain moods of sadness or grief.
My partner tired of me and took everything personally when I couldn't function or give attention he was used to, no matter how I tried to explain the grief he couldn't feel it and took it that I didn't love him and eventually left me. So it could be your partner fears this could happen and needs time to adjust and come out the other end, which I am glad to say does and will happen, just give him time and I hope you have a more positive outcome.

Apr 04, 2012
S
by: Anonymous

So Far my partner has told me that He loves me but not in love with me. I told him that I don't care for the term in love , you either love sombody or you don;t.

I have been told that he needed and wanted me in his life.

That he would lay his life on the line for me.

We have had a 7 year long distance relationship and he all of a sudden gone from I'm so in love with you to I enjoy your company when we are together. We have had some pretty good breakdowns discussing what he is going through.

We ball our eyes out. He doesn't want to live where he lives,he wants to give up his business to go 6 hours away from me to go to culinary school. Hes 50 and freaking out about his age and worried about going back to school,doesn't want me to give up what I have for a job and house and retirement, insurance, medical and dental, 6 weeks vacation a year. I really do think he is going through a midlife crisis, I have read up on it and his actions are classic signs.
I really hope the best for you also. I really want him back, my first male experience, I'm divorced and it just happened that I experienced being with a guy. I will be there to support him through this and hope for the best.

He still wants to see me on the weekends, but

Apr 04, 2012
Do they ever come back?
by: S

Hi Anon,

I can feel your pain from what you have written. I understand it very well. It seems you guys were soul mates and the same for me and my BF. All sorts of plans for our future, perfect relationship and then poof. Gone. I am hoping that for your situation the fact that you are still talking means a lot. I have not heard a single word since August 24. I have been firing off little texts occasionally - nothing serious in them but just enough to let him know I am still here and wanting to hear something from him without coming out and saying it.

Losing someone you love through death is horrible. We have both been there. The thing perhaps that these guys are not considering is that their loss has affected our lives in a direct and major way. To me, it's like my BF died when his sister died. I have had no explanation. Nothing. I guess that in itself is what is giving me hope in a way. He hasn't actually come out and said anything one way or the other so maybe once he is able to talk to me, things might get better again. I am certain that right now, he thinks that I am better off without him and is sacrificing his own happiness because he thinks it's best for me to not be with him. Maybe that is what your BF is thinking as well.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope that things get better for you and for me too. Just want to be with him and help him and show him that there is someone out there who truly loves him no matter what.

Positive thoughts!

Apr 03, 2012
Dear S
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel.
With one exception.
We are both males and my he is my first partner of 7 years and I noticed that he completely changed 2 years ago when he went to his sisters house and she had passed away.The day before when we were there to see her he would not go in because he was mad at her. I thing personally that he carries a lot of guilt because of not talking to her the day before she passed. Since her passing he has gradually shut me out and been distant. We had also planned to build a new house together and start our own business,he also said that I was everything to him and when he looked into my eyes I could actually see and feel it. Now I have found out that he has been doing things out of the ordinary,fooling around and hooking-up with other guys on websites,is planning on moving 3 hours away and wants to go to school for culinary arts. He doesn't want to be in a relationship,he is giving up his own business,and wants to move away. I don't know what to do. He has said that he wants me in his life and needs me in his life. He says that he loves me,then why isn't he including me in his life? To me it sounds like he wants to run away from everything that he has left.He says he's not happy anymore and feels like he is not where he is supposed to be.

We are both 50 years old, and hope that he does not regret anything that he is changing but I feel wherever he goes that he will feel the same as he does now because he has not dealt with his sisters passing,they were also very close. I don't want to lose him and hope that he comes around in time. I really think he is also going through midlife crisis and just wish that he could get back to the way he was before his sisters passing. In the past year I have lost my dad,and my brother and 3 friends and for me I just keep thinking that they are not suffering any longer and that they are at peace.Miss them dearly and think about them everyday,and now I'm losing him forever. I hope & pray that he will come out of this state of mind he is in so we can go on with our lives. I hope your situation works out and wish the best for you. I guess all we can do is wait, because like you , I will never go through this again, I also would rather be alone..

Mar 07, 2012
Thank you
by: S

Hi Noel,
Thank you for your reply. I guess for me the most difficult part is that he just vanished without letting me know he needed alone time. His decision to drop contact has affected me deeply and is completely opposite to what his usual, caring nature is. We shared everything, discussed everything and even promised each other that should anything come up that potentially could cause conflict between us, we would talk it through because we didnt want to lose each other.

As for the possibility of reconsidering whether or not I would want to stay with him, he very honestly is my true love and frankly, if i cannot be with him, I will remain alone.

Thank you again for reading.

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