getting over you ex girlfriend

by Lucas
(morehead city, nc, Usa)

Gosh don't know where to start. Thank God for anonymity. Been really wanting to share how I truly feel and get some feedback. It all started back in 2007. I met a young girl on a trip to the outerbanks in NC. Was one if not the best summer and 3 days I spent in a years. I had just broke up with this girl I was seeing that was still in love with her ex and my buddy decided it would be great to get away and get my mind off things. When I met this young girl on the beach It was like something out of a movie, there was instant attraction and we spent that evening and night together. She left and we said we would e-mail and keep in touch. She lived in Chantilly outside of DC and I lived in Morehead city, NC. We talked for about 13 days back and forth and she drove down to come spend about 10 awesome days with me before she had to go back home and get ready to go back to college in Kentucky.

I know long distance relationships don't work, but we both wanted to try it anyway and she came and flew to come see me a few different times and we tried to hold on and make it work for 5 months. There was a huge difference in age. she was 20 and I was 29. I guess in a way she made me feel young again Like it was when I met my first Love when I got out of high school and I felt like I was trying to re-live that? Don't know. Also I feel that I ain't going to never do no better than that. That I was just going to get older and she was just starting to enjoy and live her life. I couldn't take that away from her. The sick , emotional part of it is I still shed tears over her thinking about her, and that time what little bit of time we had together and have not rebounded since.

I have met a couple women I dated since but I always compared them to her and just wasn't happy with them. Don't know what to do? Im hung up on this person that i know I'll never be with again? I still have are pics we took together and rehearse digging up that stuff when i know it isn't healthy for me. Can't let her go and move on. Any Advice??? from a Male and Female opinion?

Noel's response

Sounds as though you have a strong projection onto her. What we often do when we meet someone who really 'lights our board' is project an idealized picture of the 'perfect mate' onto them. This is the 'falling in love' stage. Assuming we then hook up with them long term (e.g. marry them), over time the projection falls away and we see they are just normal human beings after all. This does not mean they are not very good mates, but rather not 'perfect in every way' as they seemed at first.

You mention a 'huge' age difference, which at 29 may seem that way, but as you get older that much of an age difference is not very great.

I assume she has moved on to another relationship? Or perhaps still lives far away from you, so you cannot resume a relationship with her to see whether the attraction is still there.

Maybe other readers have other comments.