He suddenly left after 25 yrs., near his 50th birthday & so not like him to join dating sites for sex

by Deb
(N. Central Kansas)

We had our share of problems of the course of 25 yers, but nothing serious...no cheating, just the lack of communication that made it more & more difficult to understand, he never wanted to talk things out & said so. He is very shy, raised with very high morals & is always appalled at others who cheat, whether we know them or not, he thinks it's wrong to cheat or for girls to be loose & guys to be such chasers. We split up a couple times, each time we got back together except the 1st after together only about a year & gossip went around that I was back with my ex kept him away for the better part of a year. We knew each other 24/25 yrs B4 we became a couple. Our families were close friends, we grew up together and I was his 1st & only real girlfriend, he was a virgin at 25-1/2 when we hookup. I had an ex with 2 small sons & they referred to him as their uncle due to being so close to his family, his 4 older sisters...2 babysat me, 2 were my best friends since early childhood, his mom was my 3rd grade teacher & our moms were best buddies. When we got together as a couple, it was so unexpected & so romantic. he was naive, and it was a bit awkward for me, but things just went along, and after a year or a bit longer, we split up for several months, no contact whatsoever, just me calling daily to get him to listen to reason. He believed a rumor that wasn't true & instead of confronting me, dragged it on & eventually came back. He was up in the area checking on his families cabin (which is where I lived until I got back on my feet after my boy's dad & I split up)and didn't have to come by my place, I'd have never known he was up there, but he did, we got back together the same day & 4 months later, I got pregnant with our daughter who is now 21. We lost her due to false allegations of things I know he didn't do, always stood beside him & when she turned of age, we reunited with her & relocated 1,400 miles from the west cost to the mid west (originally from S, Calif., now in rural Kansas after living in Las Vegas 12 years due to a job transfer that turned out to be a door that led to other job opportunities & he left his nice job in telecommunications to a job that fell thru out here 7 has been working at Walmart the past 20 mos. He was in retail at K-mart for 15+ yrs B4 landing in telecommunications, which he went to school for & relocating to Las Vegas opened new doors in that field. He loved his career, our life was good, but the city stress was hard. even tho we hail from the city, we both have had a lot of that city life stress vanish. He still misses the city more than me. We split up in Sept. 2010. He had a truck payment he couldn't afford, rent is a lot cheaper out here & the truck was costing more than the rent, and then other bills, etc made it very hard on a new employee, 48@WM. He turned 49 later in the year & same time as this year, he split,leaving me unable to pay the bills.We got back together 3 weeks later, little by little via FB, he had his phone number changed & unknown to me for months & I didn't know where he moved to until about a month later. He had moved in with his brother closer to work. We are both new to the area, but he picked out this apartment, knew he'd be a 30 min each way drive to & from his job 7 since I don't drive, had no idea. We were officially back together by Oct. & talking about getting our own place soon by mid Nov. & in December, I moved out & close to his place....withing blocks. Although we lived separately, we saw each other daily, then he moved back in, was out of work for 2 months earlier this year due to hand surgery & I took care of us on my disability, which by then was the full amount of just over $600 due to his abandonment. He saved & we went on weekend trips that were long over due & fabulous! 2 spontaneous weekends in Sept, then his vacation started late that same month, we had been waiting & saving all year except when he was out of work & he printed put the itinerary for our road trip around the surrounding states, the day his vacation started, he moved out. Just like that.....had not planned it & this was late Sept. By Nov. 1st, he filed for divorce. The reason we got back together last year was so we could try marital counseling, something he had promised since B4 we got married & he finally was serious about. He went to one on one counseling, said it helped & I was very surprised he went, so not like him, but I encouraged it because he seemed depressed. The stress was dying, but he had every sign of classic midlife crisis & after 2-3 visits, his insurance refused to pay the claims, he got very frustrated, but could still go to marital with my insurance. (Only need one or the others insurance for marriage counseling). We were so excited about our trip, he works graveyard & came home at 7:30am as usual on Fri., Sept the 23rd & we planned to leave the next morning after a good day & nights rest. Instead, he decided to post suicidal threats on Facebook, his niece who we hadn't seen in over 15 years called the police, they came & talked to him & I asked what was up. he asked me if I called, I told him no, asked if maybe it was someone in his family who saw his death threats & then said he knew who did it & said he deleted her....he didn't, but the next day, Sunday the 25th, he moved out & I saw him once since when he came for his things. he took everything, left me very little & while he was here, we talked very civilly, even gave each other a hug...I was amazed at how tight he hugged me, I was missing affection for some time, but our sex life was getting better than ever! Then he refused to let me lay with him weeks B4 all this & I miss him so much, he filed for a simple, no-contest divorce, but I am contesting. have until Mon. the 5th of Dec to file my answer & our hearing is in early Feb. I just want to talk to him, I keep telling him I love him. He didn't change his phone number this time, I know where he lives.....4 blocks away, but he deleted & blocked me from FB. I made a new account just to see & he changed his looks to much nicer (he was so gloomy looking, let himself go years ago & when I asked him to clean up, he got angry.....not that I'm that picky, but just asked him to put on the cologne I like, & it's as if he got worse by me asking him to put on a clean shirt). HE IS MY LIFE, I WANT TO DIE WITHOUT HIM, HE SAYS HE DIDN'T FEEL LOVED, WANTED OR NEEDED & I WAS ALWAYS HERE WAITING FOR HIM, SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM, HE KNOWS THIS. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS OUT HERE & ASM BROKE, HE MAKES TRIPLE WHAT I GET A MONTH, HAS THE CAR, ETC. I AM IN THERAPY, BUT IT ISN'T HELPING. I WANT MY HUSBAND, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. HE TOLD ME UNTIL I REALIZE IT IS OVER, I CAN'T MOVE ON. HE NEEDS TO GET OVER HIMSELF, STOP THESE SEXFINDER & SITES! SAYS HE IS LOOKING FOR NSA SEX WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, BUT LOOKS & AGE ARE UNIMPORTANT. HE SOUNDS CONFUSED IN EVERY ASPECT. ANY ADVISE WILL HELP. BTW, I HAVE NO TRANSPORTATION, BEING DISABILIED IN AN UPPER LOFT ABOVE A STORE IN A VACANT BUILDING ALL ALONE ISN'T HELPING.....THE STORE DOWNSTAIRS HAS BEEN VACANT FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS & UP HERE IS MY SMALL APT. 7 THE REST IS JUST A HUGE VACANT ROOM. I COULD SCREAM, NO ONE WOULD HEAR ME, I COULD DIE, NO ONE WOULD KNOW. I USED TO LOOK FORWARD TO 7AM WHEN HE GETS OFF WORK. I UNDERSTAND HIS JOB DOWNGRADE FROM TELECOMMUNICATIONS TO A NIGHT STOCK PERSON AT WALMART, HANGING AROUND 20 SOMETHINGS WHEN HE IS 50 MUST BE HARD, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? I HAVE NO ONE & IF I DID, HE'D STILL ALWAYS COME 1ST.! He's never been cold or cruel. Now he acts like he's king of the world & I'm being punished & for what? I've been a good wife & if not, he knows communication is key, he saw what it did B4 when it broke us up,or lack-there-of. I honor my wedding vows, we have been married 15-1/2 years.


Noel's response

I do not know what to recommend. You mention you are in therapy, which is the only thing I can think to recommend in this situation. If he is not giving you any financial support, you might want to take legal action in order to force him to.

If you have family in California, you might want to consider moving back there so you have some support around you.

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