How can I make him see the light?

by Carole-Ann
(Birmingham)

My man turned 50 recently and changed almost overnight. he became cold and distant and said many hurtful things to me. I tried to be understanding even though I was hurting and lashed out at him from time to time but he has now left me after 18 yrs together and I am so lost without him. How can I make him see that we were good together for so long and come back to me?

Noel's response

I don't know that you can make him come back to you. Perhaps a counselor could help you through this, whichever way it goes.

Comments for How can I make him see the light?

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Mar 20, 2012
stay strong..its them not you
by: Anonymous

I agree..you cant make them see the light.Its confusion in their heads that they need to work out themselves..if u try to force it on them it wont work..like a parent forcing a child to do the right thing...they need to make the mistake which ever way it goes...some wake up and are remorseful and some go on only to realize years later when its too late...but by then the people that really loved them have moved on to a better life...so actually the person being hurt will come out the winner..its a horrible life to live if you hold on...so you have to move on and make the best for yourself and children...i think the OW is just a bandaid too...try not to give her any energy..shes not worth it..but its hard...especially when they tell you shes a really good person and you would like her if you met her...she reminds me of you..it makes you want to vomit and lash out..good luck and stay strong..pray alot you will get to a better place..

Sep 19, 2011
You cannot make him see the light!
by: Anonymous

My husband left after 20 years of marriage, we have two wonderful children. He left for another woman he knew when he was a teenager, after two weeks of emails to her, he called time on our marriage, left and moved in with her. She is the complete opposite of me, in looks, figure etc.

He's dumped his wife, he's dumped his children, he's got us in horrendous debt but he doesn't care! Believe me I have tried everything humanly possible to get him to see the light, nothing works! I figure I am wasting my time and energy, he's in a "fog" he's only interested in her and himself. He's happier than he's ever been, he's madly in love, she makes him feel good, young, sexy handsome. I just remind him of his responsibilities, we are a drain on his wages, mortgage, maintenance etc. Their relationship is in the honeymoon stage, so everything seems fabulous, they were meant to be together etc.

The way he's treated us, how he talks to us is disgusting, he ought to be ashamed but he's not!! He's in mid life crisis, its a journey for him, we are not invited! I have decided to leave him alone, minimum contact through text and only to do with finances or the children. I have asked if he wants to divorce asap as I assumed he would want to marry this woman he's so in love with, his answer was no, there's no rush.

I suspect deep down he's a little unsure of breaking that final link. I have no plans to divorce him, if he wants to end this marriage, he's going to have to do it! I am getting on with my life and leaving him to it. There is nothing I can do he's turned into an alien and he's living on another planet! He may return to earth, he may not, who knows!

Jul 18, 2011
workoholic
by: sandra

I have been married to my husband for 26 years and for the past year he is easily angered. He yells at the TV and talks about the clients that he has to deal with. He is an intelligent man but he has little or no patience. I feel sorry for him sometimes.

Our children say that he has too much on his plate. He owns two accounting businesses and three bars/restaurants. When we are around other people, he pretty much ignores me. He says this is normal and married couples don't talk in public. Is he right?

He has called me several names in the past year. Insecure, narcissistic, liar, bitch, antisocial, paranoid. I really think he is unhappy with his life. Why do you think he is staying in this marriage?




Jul 04, 2011
Reply for See The Light---
by: NWF

You can't make him see the light!!!

Nothing will work for you, I tried all sort of things when my husband left my son and I one year ago with a 4 day notice. Best to lightly validate his concerns, as he needs emotional support, but don't over do it. He will become suspicious of you. Don't let him get you angry through his anger. Best to just leave him alone and let him deal with emotional confusion on his own. Don't be surprised if he has an affair, most men do, usually for emotional support that turns into physical support also. Do not say anything about the Other Woman (OW) if this happens. Let her destroy their low-self esteem relationship, it will happen, in 1 or 2 years so be prepared for the long haul.

The OW is his bandaide ONLY. He feels that he has accommodated everyone else for so long and now it is his turn. He probably has become very selfish over the past few years also. Don't make his decisions for him either-help maybe if he asks but he probably won't.

Check out other male midlife crisis web sites. Check out Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) book by Jed Diamond on Amazon and see if it sounds similar to what you have seen happening or coming on for many years thru the preview available there.

Take control of your money--I mean it. He will take it and leave sooner or later most likely if he starts to get real antsy. This is NOT your fault, it is HIS midlife transition.

Find a good friend to confide in and that hugs you when you need it. Don't react to anything until you calm down and can let most of it go before you reply. Don't feed his anger!

Hold onto your hat--it gets much worse.

Best wishes for you and be extremely patient, NWF

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