How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

[?] Subscribe To This Site

How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

by Anita Singh
(New Delhi, India)

The Question

My husband is 51 years old. He is good looking, and a successful man. He has been the best husband, father, son, friend and a relative to people associated with him. He has been a very good human being.

Of late he has been acting strangely. He has also had a girlfriend for the past two years with whom he shares all of his thoughts. This woman is taking advantage of the situation, and trying to drive him out of our family.

Earlier I pleaded with him, then I tried to fight him out of this relationship, but now I am trying to ignore his relationship, as I have realized he is going through a midlife crisis.

I do get very hurt with this secret alliance, as he is constantly in touch with her. He has started telling lies because of her. He makes nasty remarks to hurt me all the time. Recently I have noticed that he is jealous if I am complimented and reacts negatively. But when I am not around he is proud of me and says good things about me to his friends.

He is also heartless to the kids, at times indifferent and at times nasty.

What I need to know is whether there is a way to help him out of his crises. Is there a way to get him out of his relationship with this woman?
How long do I have to suffer his negative attitude to me, is there any way to assess whether he will ever get back to being himself again?

Noel's response

It sounds as though you have put up with a lot. To answer your question briefly, you do not have to suffer his negative attitude any longer than you decide to. You have every right to tell him you are not going to put up with that kind of negativity, nor will you put up with his girl friend. If he insists on keeping her, he will have to say goodbye to you.

A caveat: I notice you are from India, and as I am not familiar with the marriage customs in your culture, this suggestion may not be one you could act on.

He will get through this midlife transition, although it is impossible to say how long it will take, as it can be anywhere from a few months to several years.

You cannot change him, but you can take action on your own behalf, and that may make him re-think his own decisions.

Comments for
How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

Click here to add your own comments

I agree
by: Anonymous

I could have written any of the comments above. Wonderful husband, father, friend, son, son in law turned around 4 months ago, after two months of distant, mean, selfish (and foolish) behaviour, and declared he was moving straight out of the family home and moving in with a 24 year old he had met at work.

Apparently wasn't unhappy at home, but after 25 years together, 23 of them married, he just fell in love with her and couldn't help it.

He's 45.

My world came to an end, I knew something was wrong but never expected this - especially after he was such a rock for me as I was treated for breast cancer last year.

Now the story is changing, he never made me happy, couldn't live up to my expectations, hadn't been happy for a long time. Not saying we were perfect but we were pretty good together, I have the letters and photos to prove it.

I know this is really nothing to do with me, but I have been through the shock, grief, put up with his mean, nasty comments and behaviour, had to hand over my children to them for weekends, and had to totally rewrite my plans for the future.

Now I am stronger, know I deserve better, know at some point he will regret what he has done, but I am unlikely to be waiting around for him. I can't give him the chance to hurt me like that again, or know the man I am married to is even capable of some of the things he has said and done over the last few months.

Sad for me, for the children but even more so for him, if he hadn't had this MLC we would be looking forward to a secure, happy, family future.

X Close Editor

Rating

Submitted by: Anonymous

Title

Comment
I could have written any of the comments above. Wonderful husband, father, friend, son, son in law turned around 4 months ago, after two months of distant, mean, selfish (and foolish) behaviour, and declared he was moving straight out of the family home and moving in with a 24 year old he had met at work. Apparently wasn't unhappy at home, but after 25 years together, 23 of them married, he just fell in love with her and couldn't help it. He's 45. My world came to an end, I knew something was wrong but never expected this - especially after he was such a rock for me as I was treated for breast cancer last year. Now the story is changing, he never made me happy, couldn't live up to my expectations, hadn't been happy for a long time. Not saying we were perfect but we were pretty good together, I have the letters and photos to prove it. I know this is really nothing to do with me, but I have been through the shock, grief, put up with his mean, nasty comments and behaviour, had to hand over my children to them for weekends, and had to totally rewrite my plans for the future. Now I am stronger, know I deserve better, know at some point he will regret what he has done, but I am unlikely to be waiting around for him. I can't give him the chance to hurt me like that again, or know the man I am married to is even capable of some of the things he has said and done over the last few months. Sad for me, for the children but even more so for him, if he hadn't had this MLC we would be looking forward to a secure, happy, family future.

Cancel Delete Delete & Ban

throbber Updating Comments page...

After MLC who are you going to grow old with?
by: Anonymous

After the o/w has left you because your wife left you and you are no longer so exciting to her- who are you going to grow old with? It will be nobody you fool!

You will grow old by yourself! And your family who you damaged will not want you around!

Good Luck!

To any man thinking about being selfish!!
by: Anonymous

Once a woman (wife) has had enough- she will leave you for good, forever!!

And when the most selfish time of your life (mlc) has ended so has everything else. She will no longer be in love with you and your kids will never feel the same about you again.

The life you had will be over! The other woman w will be gone as well!

That boring wife you had will suddenly begin taking care of herself, probably lose lots of weight, exercise and start dressing great again.

She will also change her hair style and gain a very new found sense of confidence. That girl you knew long ago, you know the one you found so attractive, sexy, exciting will be back but her eyes will be seeking someone different and believe me she will find someone else. Just like you!!!

Remember-- You can't unring that bell!!!!!!

I know because I was that girl!

You should have paid more attention to me. You should have encouraged me to take better care of me. You should have talked more to me. You should have made my sex life more exciting because I got bored oh so bored too!!!!

Life was also just bills and problems to me to!

Well I am different now and will never be that girl again. I will never get over the cruelty, the rudeness, the nasty words, the damage of my family all for what something new to play with for awhile!! Not worth it, was it.

Please think before you act! Because I am moving on!

You have ruined your family forever and I will never forget nor will I forgive you.

Your wife!!!!!

X Close Editor

Rating

Submitted by: Anonymous

Title

Comment
Once a woman (wife) has had enough- she will leave you for good, forever!! And when the most selfish time of your life (mlc) has ended so has everything else. She will no longer be in love with you and your kids will never feel the same about you again. The life you had will be over! The other woman w will be gone as well! That boring wife you had will suddenly begin taking care of herself, probably lose lots of weight, exercise and start dressing great again. She will also change her hair style and gain a very new found sense of confidence. That girl you knew long ago, you know the one you found so attractive, sexy, exciting will be back but her eyes will be seeking someone different and believe me she will find someone else. Just like you!!! Remember-- You can't unring that bell!!!!!! I know because I was that girl! You should have paid more attention to me. You should have encouraged me to take better care of me. You should have talked more to me. You should have made my sex life more exciting because I got bored oh so bored too!!!! Life was also just bills and problems to me to! Well I am different now and will never be that girl again. I will never get over the cruelty, the rudeness, the nasty words, the damage of my family all for what something new to play with for awhile!! Not worth it, was it. Please think before you act! Because I am moving on! You have ruined your family forever and I will never forget nor will I forgive you. Your wife!!!!!

Cancel Delete Delete & Ban

throbber Updating Comments page...

Very True
by: T

I think you hit the nail right on the head.

We as the wives are dealt a lousy, sometimes losing hand with MLC.

Somehow we become the enemy and are told such negative things, or treated so poorly that we start to question ourselves, forgetting this is something our husbands are going through and we just got pulled along for the ride...however staying on that ride is our choice.

I can't tell you how many nights I spent wondering what was so wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this. (Husband has a phone relationship also.)

The man I am with now is not the man I met, or the man I married. I no longer know who he is.

In the end, it will be my decision of how much I am willing to put up with. One day I may wake up and say I have had enough and just move on... I think I am getting really close to that now.

As the saying goes....The secret to life is not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you.

Glad I found this site and know that I am not alone...

MLC
by: Anonymous

I agree there are no winners in this surely but don't you think if I leave the winner will be the other women and I will become a loser to her as she will then successfully break my home?

I know she won't last with him. He at the moment is all lost he is pushing all of us away. He is playing a nasty game and thanks to his tantrums we are all doing just as he wants.

He is greedily looking for more female company but doesn't have the guts to take a plunge. Some where deep down he is not bad but his behavior these days is unexplainable. He behaves as if he hates me and also my kids.

But I also know if I leave him he will be quite miserable. He is behaving so lost that now we are worried for him.

mlc
by: Anonymous

interesting! you could have something there!!
So many wives do the final leaving! And yes they do find peace and happiness. Most are usually glad that they left!!!! Never to return to misery!!!

And most of the other women end up gone! Most of the other women have been using these men to their advantage and after the wife has left well the game isn't as much of a thrill!!!

Then he's just an old man and not as exciting as when he still had a wife!!

how to handle husband
by: Anonymous

The more I think of it the more I believe the husbands have their mlc and because of it we the wives are forced into a place we never thought possible: forced to face the truth about us!

The truth- are we happy? Are we satisfied? Have we allowed ourselves to take their crap for years to just keep all happy!!

Are we in love or does time change it to love. We love our kids, our parents, some friends and these are people we have known years.

We are told negative things such as we haven't made them happy etc... Well - have they made us happy?

After the destruction - too much damage too many horrible words usually the wife leaves but she has a valid reason for doing so. She then finds peace.

His reason(s)are due to mlc which is a mentally unstable time. She's sane when she makes her decision!!!!

I think it is a two way street for both -only difference is she exits the road of life without him.

No winners with mlc!!!

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How?
Simply click here to return to Ask Noel

How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

Comments for How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

Comments for
How to handle husband suffering from MLC?