How to save my marriage?

After nearly 17 yrs together, my husband has said he doesn't want to be married any more or the responsibilities that go with it. We have a business together and 2 children (7 & 10).


Over the last couple of yrs I have been under a lot of stress, with bullying at work my father passing away and losing the ability to read due to a major eye condition. He has always stood by me, and i have taken him for granted and fought with him a lot as I found I couldn't cope.

When ever the fights got really serious I always mentioned divorce and that I didn't want to be with him - and tried hurting him as much as I was hurting. I finally saw how destructive I was becoming and decided to seek help but not before he told me that he wanted out.

With the help from a psychologist I now realize that I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to care for another person. He has become mean to me saying awful things just to see if he can bait me - and he succeeds each and every time and i retaliate in kind as i have a horrible temper. He has also said that he isn't in love with me but still wants to do things with me and the kids but just doesn't want to stay in the same house as me.

I have always found my husband sexually extremely attractive even though he doesn't think that he is. Over the years I have put on a lot of weight and i know that he wasn't happy with that- so for him and me I decided to haves tummy tuck and lipo overseas by myself. At first he was okey with this as my sister was supposed to do the same at the same time - but a month before the operation date she cancelled as she was made redundant. I was really annoyed about her canceling and decided to go ahead with the op by my self and my husband tried to talk me out of it. I dug my heels in and booked and paid for everything. The more I dug my heels in the more we fought and the more depressed he became to the extent that he was having serious tummy pains and chest pains, on the night of the op he was overseas with me and the kids and as I was admitted earlier than expected I was really stressed and so was he. He later told me that he had been up all night feeling like he was having a heart attack.

He has since returned home with the boys and we talk/fight on Skype each day as i am still overseas alone waiting to be released by the doctor so i can go home. If I mention anything about the op he gets really angry and either hangs up or gets mean. He is still going to be at home with me to look after me when I return as I can't drive or lift heavy things for a while.

He is going to be 39yrs old this year and has tried out a couple of business ventures without me but nothing has been successful- whereas everything we did together has always succeeded. He tends to be the ideas person and I have always been the paperwork/fine print person and this combination has proven over the years to be successful. Since my father died (18mths ago- he was close to him too) he has become I feel more and more unhappy and taken up gambling more and more which then makes him feel worse and us fight more. It's been a never ending circle.

I am so confused and hurting as I don't want to loose him but feel that I have. What can i do show him that I am trying to change and to show him that we can be good together again as I still feel that he still loves me?

Confused and hurting

Noel's response

About the only thing I can suggest is that you continue to see your therapist. Rather than showing him that you are trying to change, actually do change, and he will see it.

If he is willing, marriage counseling would probably be helpful as well.

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