How to stop myself from big mistake

I have come to realize I am in love with another woman, who feels as I do. I have not had a physical affair and know it is wrong. I am in my late 40s and clearly going through MLC. I have a wife of 20+ years and two kids in elementary school. I know it would be terribly hurtful to leave and my head knows staying and getting counseling is the right way to go, but my feelings are out of control. I have never had trouble controlling myself and feelings in the past, but this has hit me like nothing before. How do I get through this?


Noel's response

Awareness is the first tool, and you have that. It is also critical that you realize that the strong feelings you have for this woman are a projection, and that if you did have an affair, and/or leave your wife and family, your relationship with the new woman would go through all the stages any relationship does once the 'honeymoon period' is over. That is to say the 'scales would fall from your eyes' and she would lose her 'magical' appeal she has now, and the relationship would have all the struggles and ups and downs any relationship has.
You are aware that you are in a midlife transition, and one of the tasks is to integrate your own internal feminine, rather than projecting it onto another woman.
So hang in there, and know that this too shall pass.

Comments for How to stop myself from big mistake

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Jan 16, 2016
Update
by: Anonymous

Still with my wife. Love her but relationship is not good. Time is limited

Oct 16, 2015
Update
by: Anonymous

I went to counseling and got clarity. It is not rosy now but clear. I now know the other woman was not the issue. I also know unless both me and my wife dedicate ourselves to each other, then it won't work. Unfortunately she won't demonstrate that commitment. She's a great woman but it's not going to last once the kids are gone. Sad but at least I understand now.

Jun 09, 2013
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thanks Helen. I am getting counseling starting tomorrow and hope to find my way through this.

Jun 05, 2013
Thank you
by: Anonymous

I am struggling to get my mind right. This helps. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I just need time to get my heart and brain on the same page. I don't want to end up regretting for all the pain I've caused my loved ones,... And myself.

May 27, 2013
Please don't do it.
by: Anonymous

I am the one who has been married for 37 years and together for 41 years. It has been 2 years next month since my husband started his affair in front of me. For the next 12 months he wanted to try but was pulled back to this women because she made him feel on top of the world - Apparently I didn't!!!

Two years on, I haven't met anyone because I haven't been looking, I loved my husband as I am sure your wife loves you. my husband says he loves me and still finds me attractive but I. didn't give him what she gave him. In reality I gave him two beautiful children, now two grandchildren, a lovely family home and a wider family with family get-togethers, Christmas, Halloween family parties, Everything he loved, then all of a sudden that all went out of the window because she gave him amazing sex etc..,

Now after the horrendous trauma to all concerned, the other women as well, (who he is now not with) I am divorcing the only man I ever loved, he broke a beautiful marriage.
He blamed me for going into the other woman's arms but now is beginning to say it was to justify what he did.

He has lost the respect from everyone and this other woman soon moved on.

Please come down to earth and understand whatever issues you had with your wonderful wife you will eventually have them with the other woman.

PLEASE DON'T DO IT. MY HUSBAND IS SO REGRETFUL NOW. HE SAYS HE HAS LOST THE WARMTH AND LOVE OF HIS FAMILY. HE DEVASTATED.

HELEN

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