Hurt an confused...it all still seems like a bad nightmare!!!!

by Ann
(Zimbabwe)

Hi, I'm (like most wives out there) still hurting and very confused about what has just happened to my marriage!!

We have been married 14 years and together 15 years, l am 42 and my husband turned 39 years in February.. we have no children together, (although l have two adult children from my first marriage) we are however raising my granddaughter, she's been with us since birth.. she's 4 years old.
In February this year (on Valentines day- of all days) my husband texted me from work at lunch time and said we had to talk.. l was confused by this at first, then l thought that it had something to do with his job...( but truth be told l was feeling rather nervous)
When he got home we went to our bedroom and sat on the bed, l asked him what was on his mind and he said to me "I'm sorry my love but l just cant do this anymore, I want out" l asked "you want out of what" then he said the words l thought l would never hear from him...."out of our relationship"!!!! my heart sank lower than low, l felt like l had been kicked by a mule!!!!
Ok...lets start at the beginning.. we made friends with a couple, back in 2005, but that friendship ended in December 2007, l found out that my "friend" and husband were having an ("emotional affair" as my husband calls it), l told her husband, and he packed his family up and they left the country about 2 months later.. never heard from them again until my son had a serious car accident last year April and her husband also had an accident a work around the same time..in Botswana (where they were living) unfortunately her husband died from his injuries at the end of April.
my son was in a coma for 6 weeks, and a mutual friend gave this woman my husbands phone number because she claimed to be "very concerned about my son" shortly after her husband died, and instead of grieving for her loss she took advantage of my husbands vulnerable situation, l was a TOTAL MESS WITH MY CHILD BEING IN A COMA, not knowing what was going to happen...but thank the Lord he made it !!!
In July last year this woman was calling and texting my husband daily and at nite when he was away from home, my husband travels a lot with his work,behind my back and l found out that they were having an affair and she flew from Botswana 3 times over the next 3 months just for a quick roll in the hay with my husband (bitch)..my husband broke it off with her twice, saying he wanted to work on our marriage, the last time he broke it off with her was in December last year he told her nothing can come of the affair and he wanted to be with me...she was hurt and said she would back off....but she never did "BACK OFF" she left him alone for the rest of December and in January when my husband went back to work the phone calls and texting from her started again...!!!! she was very persistent . And this caused fights between my husband and myself....but eventually l tried to get past it when he told me that he was not interested in her anymore....then she started to message me telling me every detail of their affair, right down to having sex in the shower and how many times she was able to make him ejaculate !!!! and that she had bought him several expensive gifts like new tyres for his truck, a cellphone an that she had also given him USD$1000.00...l asked him and he admitted it.. and said it was her problem, he never asked for the gifts.
anyway to try cut my story short. this affair was meant to have ended in December, January things looked like the were getting back on track with our marriage...then BOOOM, THE BOMBSHELL.
Thinking back now my husband had been acting rather strange and differently for a while, some days he would come home and be very quite almost like he was depressed, although l could see he was not happy, when l asked what was wrong he would say "nothing l'm fine"...l did everything l could to show him l loved him and trusted him now that the affair was over.....then as l said earlier the "valentines bombshell" .
The day after he told me he wanted out he moved into the spare room, and a week later he moved out the house, after moving out the house he was moving from one place to the next, staying a maximum of a week then moving on to the next person that would take him in....when l spoke to him about why he want "out of the relationship" he said that his feelings were confusing him and frustrating him as he does not understand them himself, he asked me not to ask him to explain things as he cant. The day he moved out he told me he wanted a divorce, he was and still is adamant that our marriage wont work!!!!. He filed for a divorce in mid May
he wont even consider giving us a 2nd chance....
His whole personality has changed ..at first after he moved out we would still text each other...since that woman has been living with him that has all stopped now, he now treats me like a total stranger, and is no longer concerned about his grand daughter either, he's even turned his back on his own mother and sister!!! he's told them to stay out of his life!!! and this is not like him he was very close to them both at one point...he was always the quite , gentle type, you know the "go with the flow " kinda guy..but not anymore
l found out in April this year that this Woman had moved back here to live with him, he sends me money every month to pay the bills and that's about it...
He's cut ties with us all and if anyone even tries to talk to him about what's going on he becomes very defensive!!!
Is this MLC????
I still love him very much and want him back, is there anything l can do to at least get him to talk to me??, l don't sleep and eat very little have lost a lot of weight...this is now going into the 5th month...and l don't want the divorce either.!!! (its still in the early stages)....
Please any advice that may help me to get him to at least talk to me...my heart has been crushed but l still love him and am finding it very very hard to move on with my life...l don't understand why it has happened

thanks

heart sore & confused

Noel's response

It may be MLC, but it might also be complicated by the death of the other woman's husband. What was an 'emotional affair' smoldering away was given the opportunity to 'come alive' when she became a widow. Some people (men more often than women) simply get into another relationship rather than do proper grieving.

I don't know of anything you can do to change things now. You say it is very hard to move on, but I don't see that you have a choice right now.

Comments for Hurt an confused...it all still seems like a bad nightmare!!!!

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Hurt and confused...
by: NWF

Hello, First I'd like to say I'm sorry your going thru this. I do see it as MLC because he has stopped contact with his family and yourself and he said he was confused. This is very true right now; anything you say or do will not change anything. He has to look inside and deal with his own problems. You did not cause this and you cannot fix it. The best thing to do is to stay quiet, very hard to do right now, and validate his concerns if he talks to you...he will eventually. Keep your conversations about business and do not help with the divorce...let him do the work if wants this and have him pay for your lawyer if it comes to that. Many times they will threaten the D but not go thru with it. Please go to the website: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com and read all the Articles that you can, MLC to start with. There is also the Community that you can join and post your story. The very informed folks there will help you thru this with support and advice as they are in this sitch also.....as will the articles. Do not argue with him or beg and plead...it will not help him thru his emotional turmoil. Get yourself stronger, for you and for him if he wants to talk. MLC takes a long time to get thru...be extremely patient. LBS = Left Behind Spouse = You! Your weight loss is called the LBS diet...it has happened to all of us; the weigh eventually comes back as you get better.

HUGS to you and find a trusted friend to hold you up and give you hugs. The in-fat-u-ation, not in-love, will fade over time. Have Faith in him, let him know this calmly and do not let him eat cake. He can only have cake with one woman...not two. Be strong...he will admire that in the end.

Hugs, NWF

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Hurt and confused
by: Helen

I have been going through a similar situation to you. I had been married for 37 years and together for 41 years. Two years ago this happened to me, my husband went to see someone he knew when he was 14"who had lost her,husband 6 months previous. She was vulnerable and my husband enjoyed the fact that this women needed him. She made him feel fantastic and he said I didn't. He gave up on our grown up children. He was a loving family man. I told him he needed to leave because he wanted to carry on seeing her,to see where it went. Over the last two years he has been in a complete state. I gave him four chances to finish with her but he couldn't. He, hadn't got her out of his system. the last two years have been hell. He is a completely different man now, he's not the same person I knew for all those years. He isn't with her and is on his,own in a small flat, he has sent me letters, cards, gifts but blames me for what he did. he is trying to make amends with his children but they will never feel the same about him. He cries a lot and am sure he regrets what he did but I have no choice but to divorce him. My advice to you is join some ladies,groups, get out, not to meet men but to have a laugh and try and not let him know how heart broke you are. I'm sure when the honeymoon period is over he will want you back. BUT WILL YOU WANT HIM BACK, OR WILL YOU MOVE ON!
I still love my husband but at my age I don't want to be thinking is he texting her or why,is,he late home. Etc.. I have my independence now and there is something quite nice about that. Take care and be strong. good Luck

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