Hurt an confused...it all still seems like a bad nightmare!!!!
Hi, I'm (like most wives out there) still hurting and very confused about what has just happened to my marriage!!
We have been married 14 years and together 15 years, l am 42 and my husband turned 39 years in February.. we have no children together, (although l have two adult children from my first marriage) we are however raising my granddaughter, she's been with us since birth.. she's 4 years old.
In February this year (on Valentines day- of all days) my husband texted me from work at lunch time and said we had to talk.. l was confused by this at first, then l thought that it had something to do with his job...( but truth be told l was feeling rather nervous)
When he got home we went to our bedroom and sat on the bed, l asked him what was on his mind and he said to me "I'm sorry my love but l just cant do this anymore, I want out" l asked "you want out of what" then he said the words l thought l would never hear from him...."out of our relationship"!!!! my heart sank lower than low, l felt like l had been kicked by a mule!!!!
Ok...lets start at the beginning.. we made friends with a couple, back in 2005, but that friendship ended in December 2007, l found out that my "friend" and husband were having an ("emotional affair" as my husband calls it), l told her husband, and he packed his family up and they left the country about 2 months later.. never heard from them again until my son had a serious car accident last year April and her husband also had an accident a work around the same time..in Botswana (where they were living) unfortunately her husband died from his injuries at the end of April.
my son was in a coma for 6 weeks, and a mutual friend gave this woman my husbands phone number because she claimed to be "very concerned about my son" shortly after her husband died, and instead of grieving for her loss she took advantage of my husbands vulnerable situation, l was a TOTAL MESS WITH MY CHILD BEING IN A COMA, not knowing what was going to happen...but thank the Lord he made it !!!
In July last year this woman was calling and texting my husband daily and at nite when he was away from home, my husband travels a lot with his work,behind my back and l found out that they were having an affair and she flew from Botswana 3 times over the next 3 months just for a quick roll in the hay with my husband (bitch)..my husband broke it off with her twice, saying he wanted to work on our marriage, the last time he broke it off with her was in December last year he told her nothing can come of the affair and he wanted to be with me...she was hurt and said she would back off....but she never did "BACK OFF" she left him alone for the rest of December and in January when my husband went back to work the phone calls and texting from her started again...!!!! she was very persistent . And this caused fights between my husband and myself....but eventually l tried to get past it when he told me that he was not interested in her anymore....then she started to message me telling me every detail of their affair, right down to having sex in the shower and how many times she was able to make him ejaculate !!!! and that she had bought him several expensive gifts like new tyres for his truck, a cellphone an that she had
also given him USD$1000.00...l asked him and he admitted it.. and said it was her problem, he never asked for the gifts.
anyway to try cut my story short. this affair was meant to have ended in December, January things looked like the were getting back on track with our marriage...then BOOOM, THE BOMBSHELL.
Thinking back now my husband had been acting rather strange and differently for a while, some days he would come home and be very quite almost like he was depressed, although l could see he was not happy, when l asked what was wrong he would say "nothing l'm fine"...l did everything l could to show him l loved him and trusted him now that the affair was over.....then as l said earlier the "valentines bombshell" .
The day after he told me he wanted out he moved into the spare room, and a week later he moved out the house, after moving out the house he was moving from one place to the next, staying a maximum of a week then moving on to the next person that would take him in....when l spoke to him about why he want "out of the relationship" he said that his feelings were confusing him and frustrating him as he does not understand them himself, he asked me not to ask him to explain things as he cant. The day he moved out he told me he wanted a divorce, he was and still is adamant that our marriage wont work!!!!. He filed for a divorce in mid May
he wont even consider giving us a 2nd chance....
His whole personality has changed ..at first after he moved out we would still text each other...since that woman has been living with him that has all stopped now, he now treats me like a total stranger, and is no longer concerned about his grand daughter either, he's even turned his back on his own mother and sister!!! he's told them to stay out of his life!!! and this is not like him he was very close to them both at one point...he was always the quite , gentle type, you know the "go with the flow " kinda guy..but not anymore
l found out in April this year that this Woman had moved back here to live with him, he sends me money every month to pay the bills and that's about it...
He's cut ties with us all and if anyone even tries to talk to him about what's going on he becomes very defensive!!!
Is this MLC????
I still love him very much and want him back, is there anything l can do to at least get him to talk to me??, l don't sleep and eat very little have lost a lot of weight...this is now going into the 5th month...and l don't want the divorce either.!!! (its still in the early stages)....
Please any advice that may help me to get him to at least talk to me...my heart has been crushed but l still love him and am finding it very very hard to move on with my life...l don't understand why it has happened
heart sore & confusedNoel's response
It may be MLC, but it might also be complicated by the death of the other woman's husband. What was an 'emotional affair' smoldering away was given the opportunity to 'come alive' when she became a widow. Some people (men more often than women) simply get into another relationship rather than do proper grieving.
I don't know of anything you can do to change things now. You say it is very hard to move on, but I don't see that you have a choice right now.