Husband 52 Has Affair, His Father dies, Divorces me, and changes job. Midlife Crisis??

by Melanie B
(Stanton, NJ)

The question

My husband of 26 years started conducting an affair with a co-worker almost 2 years ago. I found poetry he had written to her, but kept quiet about it since his father was gravely ill and died in the spring of 2009. Within 6 weeks of his dad's death, he had left home, bought a new car and HE then filed for divorce.

He was strangely uncooperative throughout the entire divorce, vacillating on decisions, being unpredictable, showing up late, failing to do all sorts of requirements to complete divorce (i.e. he never handed over any documents during the divorce, the entire "Disclosure" and "Request for Production of Documents" had to done by subpoena).

Just prior to Christmas 2009, he quit his job with amazing benefits to take a job at a very small company that would require him to drive 85 miles each way across NYC with no benefits, bonus, stock options or anything! The final divorce decree was just issued July 2010 and finally I was able to talk with him for a short period of time. When asked, he said the affair had nothing whatsoever to do with him leaving his family (we have two children ages 21 and 25).

Does this sound preposterous? Sound like midlife crisis? His children don't like to be around him any more as they say his presence makes them uncomfortable. On the fridge at his apartment, my kids showed me photos they took with their cell phones of his sizeable collection of magnets all referring to sex acts and innuendo, which they both find insulting and humiliating. What is up with this man? Where is his sense of common decency? Has he completely lost his mind?

Noel's response

His behaviour might be due partly to a midlife crisis, which may include depression. He does sound erratic.

I don't know what to suggest except for helping your kids deal with his behaviour when they go to visit him.