husband blaming me for deployment

by Carla
(Utah)

My husband of nearly 12 years announced he is being deployed again. Although this assignment will not take him overseas the entire time, (he will be assigned in CA for much of the time) he will be traveling to the middle east a lot. He told me it was my fault he chose to take this assignment, because my emotional reaction wasn't like it was the first time, (I collapsed, after learning about as soon as I walked in the door from a funeral I went across the country to alone) as compared to just going numb this time around. He has proudly served for over 20 years and never was deployed until September 2011. Neither assignments are/were combat ones, and on the first deployment he would call me up to ten times a day, everyday. When he got home, I was exhausted, and, I am ashamed to say, aggravated with him, as I write, and it became impossible to concentrate. Every time the phone rang, I would think something awful happened. I was afraid to say something to him, fearing that each and every phone call would be his last, and wanted him to feel loved, which he is, but I was exhausted. I had/have no family support what so ever on the home front. When he got home, we did nothing but argue.To make matters worse I was in an accident that broke my pelvis in several places in December of 2011, and have been in pain for nearly ten months. I was blamed, including by him, although the doctors, bone scans, and MRI's repeatedly showed I was not at fault. Now on top of all this, he announced he is being deployed, and my less dramatic emotional reaction was his deciding factor in taking the assignment. Honestly, I am just numb most of the time, with intermittent tears. Am I to blame? Is a spouse responsible for her husbands choice to be deployed, especially before he retires? I really need help putting this into perspective.


Noel's response

My short answer is no, you are not to blame. But I suggest you see a psychotherapist to help you sort this out. Blessings to you.

Comments for husband blaming me for deployment

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Aug 27, 2012
thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you all for your input. I wish I had found this site during the first deployment. Your comments helped.

Blessings to all of you!

Aug 27, 2012
Husband blaming me for deployment
by: NWF

Hello, This is not your fault at all. My guess is that he is feeling angry over the deployment and is scared and worried about you but is not able to say that to you so he is taking it out on you--he is projecting his fear. Validate his fears and hold him up--be strong for him and stronger for you. He needs you right now I am sensing. Try not to put any more pressure on him than he is already feeling.

I am sorry that you are going thru this.

Hugs for you, NWF

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