Husband had an enalarged prostrate and went off the rails

by Elaine
(England)

My husband got to fifty and believed going to die at 60 as parents did . He had to suffer two deaths one was his sister where he had to turn off the respirator and my father where we watched him die in the hospital. he had a lot of stress at work and the he found out he had enlarged prostrate and coeliac in the space of 3 years. He went off the rails and had being going to strip clubs taking customers on work trips . he then with everything started going on his own and watching porn and dating sites I don't know whether he had any affairs but he had a text once from a girl which he dismissed and no longer stays over in London but comes back same day I believe he did she was Romanian and she would be in early twenties. He had another condition erectile dysfunction too and we ended up having to re mortgage because he ran up so many debts. We had many rows and I told him he could leave on numerous occasions but he said where could he go and has never left. He is now trying to rebuild the relationship but will not go to a counselor. He did say the other week that he had to go away and he took my hands in his and faced me and said I was not to worry as he wanted our home and me. I found out he had been to a strip club again and he promised he wouldn't with work colleagues. He has been very loving and kind and cuddles up on a night on the sofa with me and he spends all his time with me.


Can I trust him again .

There is so much more to this but it is difficult to write down.

Thank you for the opportunity to ask a question

Noel's response

I think you can answer your question better than I can. It is possible your husband has come to terms with his fears, and is through what sounds like a crisis.

Having the deaths you mentioned, along with his fear of dying in the next ten years is quite a load for a person, but eventually he may have accepted the situation and moved on.

An enlarged prostate is not necessarily anything to worry about. It is almost universal in men over fifty in the western world. If he is truly worried he should see his doctor and if necessary get a biopsy to see whether it is cancer. Otherwise it is most likely 'Benign Prostatic Hyperplaisia' (BPH for short), and although inconvenient, not dangerous.

There are both pharmaceuticals and natural supplements that can help deal with the symptoms.

When trust is broken it can take a long time to build it again, but my suggestion is you take it one day at a time and give him the benefit of the doubt as much as you feel able to.

Comments for Husband had an enalarged prostrate and went off the rails

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 29, 2016
Update
by: Anonymous

Hi there since writing this article my life has changed my husband is there all the time for example the other week he went to France in a day and back and did not stay over. He even brought my some perfume as a gift. He has being make plans with me for the future . He has been very loving and friendly.When I call he answers straight away.

I am still nervous do you think it is safe to trust again. I take each day step by step always dreading the worst.

He will going away again in November to a trade for two nights I will be paranoid but last year he went and the other men went into town afterwards . My husband said he stayed at the hotel with some of the exhibitors.

Do I believe him I don't know it is always in my mind .





Feb 12, 2015
Wholeheartedly, I agree with Noel's perspective
by: Mikiyah from central WI

Sisterly Hugs to you Elaine as you have been through much.

To reiterate, wholeheartedly, I agree with Noel's perspective. I trust he too, has been through a lot since creating this informative site.

I agree to what Noel said, "It is possible your husband has come to terms with his fears and is through what sounds like a crisis...but eventually he may have accepted the situation and moved on."

& more importantly, from my feminine perspective, he has chosen to move on WITH YOU Elaine!!! You yourself said, "He is now trying to rebuild the relationship but will not go to a counselor. He did say the other week that he had to go away and he took my hands in his and faced me and said I was not to worry as he wanted our home and me."
Further on you said, "He has been very loving and kind and cuddles up at night on the sofa with me and he spends all his time with me.

Can I trust him again?"

As I see it Elaine, You've endured the worst, & moreover you & your marriage SURVIVED the ugliest of his mid-life crisis.

Smartly, Noel said, "When trust is broken it can take a long time to build it again, but my suggestion is you take it one day at a time and give him the benefit of the doubt as much as you feel able to."
Agreed, it will take time to rebuild the trust you two once shared, but over time, I suspect it all will be more than worth the efforts taken on your new adventures to fall in love all over again. May your new courageous journey together be blessed, forever strengthened & bathed in love's divine light!!!

Namaste!

Feb 11, 2015
husband had an enl prostrate and went off the rails
by: NWF

Hello, Please educate yourself on MLC, go to the website The Hero's Spouse dot com and read the articles...all of them, especially about MLC stages.
He is starting to fantasize about other woman and this is not good for your marriage. He may find another woman(OW)and run off. It sounds like he has already destroyed your finances and that is a warning sign as well as other woman. He is "clinging" to you and seems co-dependent...not good. There needs to be a certain amount of separateness in a marriage..not clinging.
His clinging may be a sign that he is feeling guilty over something he has already done or is about to do. Read the articles about midlife crisis and hope this is not happening to your H. If it is, it will take years for him to go thru the tunnel, not a few months. He has been under enough stress that this is possible. If he blames you for anything, don't buy it. If he starts to get nasty, walk away and do not fight with him...fighting will feed the Shadow/Monster within.
This is about him becoming too emotional, his female side coming thru, so don't cry in front of him, excuse yourself to the bathroom or outside.
None of this is your fault,it is usually due to things he swept under the carpet when he was young and chose not to deal with. These deaths and other probs may be enough of a trigger to bring on MLC. Nothing stays buried forever...sorry to say.

Hugs, NWF

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.