Husband left after 45 years of marriage.

Did something happen in his brain? Is something not connecting?

we have known each other for 50 years, have been married for 45. We jut built a new house two years ago. We have gotten along fine... Grown children and grandchildren. He told me he loved me every nite. a couple months ago he met someone who reminds him of me only 12 years younger. She was divorced. Now he is divorcing me and I can hardly catch my breath.
After 45 years I am reeling, I can hardly bare to keep going. I still don't know how he could leave everything and just walk away.!!!!! Left clothes in the drawers, Tools in the basement - lots of them. Living in a one bedroom apt probably until they can be together. but wow so much history. He also left his mother. She is living with me. She thinks it was my fault.!!! He is divorcing me and I feel like I am a spinning top. All going so fast. This is unbelievable... Did something happen to him? He is very cold to me. so uncharacteristic of him.??? Strange.

Noel's response

Please read the accounts of the many other women who have written in with similar stories, so you will know you are not alone.

Some men just seem to run off the rails during their midlife transitions.

Comments for Husband left after 45 years of marriage.

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Jan 10, 2014
Think about what happened
by: Anonymous

Amy.. Didn't you think it was a bit odd that your newly wed husband made love with you once in all those years? Did your mind go blank after that intimate moment? You married for a reason. What was that reason? Obviously it wasn't to enjoy the intimacy that marriage brings, or you would have parted ways after 48hrs. In some marriages, sex is not important and it happens often. You stayed with him for a long, long time after that first night, so what was in the union that kept you with him? If you had corrected the things he complained about, and worked thru them with him, your relationship may have turned out much better.

You have also fallen into the same category as other women who are only thinking of themselves. You knew before you took the vows, what kind of man he was, but went ahead and married anyway. It appears by your statement that you accepted the conditions of the marriage and chose to live the life style you did for years, or you would have left it. Your complaint has no substance..


Jan 02, 2014
What were the warning signs?
by: Anonymous

After all those years of being together, you both had warning signs which indicated the foundation of your marriage was crumbling.

In this case, only hearing your side, slow down your emotions and think back along the trail of what was lost, forgotten, disregarded and hurtful to you both. Those are the things that cannot be put back together when not dealt with at the time.

When one or the other "falls out of love" the bond of being together is worthless. In most cases (I'm not a counselor)only one of the partners remains "in love" with the other for all time. That part of a marriage is critical to long term survival.

How many arguments went unresolved? What dis-pleasantries arose which lacked a resolution? What was the quality of sexual time in the bedroom? How truthful were you with each other ALL THE TIME? Pillow talk and truthfulness are very important in a marriage.. Otherwise, why marry in the first place??

Dec 23, 2013
No love or intimacy
by: Amy

My situation is a little different, my husband left after 24 hours. Married on paper 46 years, but I've been untouched all that time. In other words we had sex once in the first 24 hours which was our last, and only time. Then some where in the confines of his very tinny brain some thing switched off or went wrong because that was the end of everything. I'm still confused as to what happened. The day after our wedding day he told me he hated sex and me for suggesting it, it was gross, vile, smelly, messy, pointless, meaningless and can't understand what people see in it. He never wanted sex again and to prevent sex he was moving to the basement and he changed his work shift to midnights. That way he didn't have to deal with me. He's not gay or into porn , he lives more like a homeless person and looks like it.

Oct 16, 2013
Not a single one!
by: Anonymous

Not a single one of the women who responded here gave any thought to why their men left them. The one male responder hit it right. Women get way too comfortable in a long term marriage and shut down a very important element to a solid marital relationship.. The bedroom intimacy goes right out the door. Information about it is in books, on line, in blogs, medical research etc. None of you women mentioned finding out what was wrong before the ax fell. You got plenty or warning signs and chose to ignore them. You became self centered believing your "man" will understand that you no longer have any sex drive. What about his? Do any of you women ever take a moment to learn how to keep your man happy and satisfied? Even when you were shutting down, he kept on going to provide. In the majority of cases, even from what I've read here, these men have done their duty and been the providers they should have been. Meanwhile, you women lay back and go on your merry way in life disregarding your mans' needs.. Sorry ladies, but I have no sympathy for any of you. Your man went for another woman because she is providing him with the sex and intimacy he married YOU for. Now, because of your lack of caring, he's gone and both of you are in turmoil.

Sep 25, 2013
.Why men leave?
by: Anonymous

I have read most of these letters about
The sad lives ruined when men walk
Away from a marriage. But why are many
or most men guilty of such irrational
behavior?
I think many marriages are never formed
for truly lovable reasons. Women seem
to care more about getting married than
marrying forever. Men seek sex relationships
and them realize that is not enough to
really substain a marriage with a person
you really don't know.
After the kids are grown they have little
in common and both become bored and
angry , many times this lasts for years
before one cannot cope, If we made sure
we married the real love of our lives maybe
in our old age we would still see the real beauty
In the eyes that we loved to look into
with such passion and love.


Nov 22, 2011
With all due respect
by: Allison

I understand your comment from a male perspective. That was not my situation at all. At 5'4" tall and 115 pounds, I am in great shape. I work out, take yoga and pilates. I was always there for my husband to the point of being a doormat. Every night he did not come home for dinner so I put his in the fridge for him later each night. I begged him to vacation with us to no avail. The list goes on.

Please don't speak for all guys. My husband is a selfish, self absorbed and insensitive. He has a huge ego and care about himself only. There are plenty of just plain "bad" guys out there.

Nov 22, 2011
just a married guy
by: Anonymous

im still married 38yrs so far ill make this short nothing wrong with your husband us guys appriciate a wife to stay fit and be adventures in the bedroom feels good when a women intiates the sex a guy feels wanted im sorry but sex attitude a good body play a big part.he needs to be wanted and needed in bed this women is lonely and is giving him attention to take him away from you i havent left my wife but i know what men want good luck

Nov 16, 2011
That is so sad to hear.
by: Anonymous

Wow that is terrible, I am sad you could not escapte the fall out from his lies. It kind of hits a twinge with me as I too have a son with a significant physical and mental disablility who lives with me. I have always done most of the care and I was trying to care for my hubby after his hip surgery but he told me it wasn't fair. Whatever that means. This was before he left so guess he was feeling guilty. Still no sign of another woman but he seems pretty dependent on his friends at the moment. Eats meals at their house and hangs out at their home in the evening. Still hoping for a breakthough he goes for personal counselling Friday. The thing is he wa always so nice. I think illness is not tolerated well in men and the fact that he has been on some pretty heavy duty pain meds cannot help. Any chance you dad's cancer has reached his brain. Really I am serious he sounds pretty out of control. You are a good son I have good sons two one who is with me while he attends university is quite supportive. I am thankful for my friends and my faith to see me through this whatever the outcome but it sure is lonely.

Nov 16, 2011
My father left my mum after 42 years for the neighbour
by: Anonymous

My parents have been married for 42 years, my mother worked hard as a psychiatric nurse and always brought in most of the money. Four years ago my father became ill and my mother supported him through prostate cancer whilst caring for my sister who has a learning disability. As soon as he was recovering he had an affair with the next door neighbour and emptied out my mother's savings account to help the neighbour set up a care agency for people with learning disabilities - this is a joke as he never cared for my sister. He has also tried to remortgage the home my mother paid for and taken out other loans. I found out what they were up to and my father decided to get revenge on me for ruining his secret. He and the neighbour made false allegations to the police saying I had been racist towards her. This has resulted in me getting a criminal record and it has ruined my career. It would have been better if he had died of the cancer as it would be easier to mourn him and get on with our lives if he was dead. He all gave him so much help and support when he was ill and now he is just laughing at us all.

It is interesting how it is usually men who behave in disgusting ways whilst their families are left to pick up the pieces. The idea of a midlife crisis is a joke. It's an excuse to behave like a total arse and throw away the love and support of their wives and children.

Nov 15, 2011
Narcissistic Personality disorder
by: Anonymous

Hi Everyone,Been married for about 20 years. Found out my husband was cheating with a coworker so I really feel your pain. I'm the one who kicked him out and filed. He was acting like he didnt even know me. Have spoken to him twice in the last 3 months and that was only about our 11 yr ild daughter.

I found books on NPD and while Im no psychiatrist, books on this subject really helped me to understand how he could walk away and not look back.....

I wish I had had some of these books earlier as I am now seeing that it has nothing to do with me its just the way hes wired. I hope this helps you. Really helped me. Good luck everyone. I know were all better off!!!

Nov 13, 2011
Same thing happened to me
by: Allison

My husband and I have been married 26 years and separated the last one year. We have two children ages 14 and 12 - late in our marriage for a lot of reasons. I realize he never really wanted them to begin with.

The two years before he moved out, he began to act strange. Last year, we came home one day to find all of his things gone. He up and left us without a word. Before he did so, he took all of my name off of our accounts (he is a financial professional and apparently had my name as a "user" on all of our accounts so he was able to take me off of them.) He shows no savings and borrowed against our house without my knowledge.

He has seen the children five times in the past year and claims I have alienated them from him. I have made them available to him but he does not show up. During this past year, he has traveled extensively for pleasure including a two week trip to Europe and always goes First Class. He takes women on expensive dates. He was never charitable, but has become a board member to five charities and is always attending charity auctions where he spends a lot of money.

To date, I am in $80K in debt. We had a custody hearing and a settlement hearing. He did not come to the custody hearing and refused to settle anything at the settlement hearing. So we have a trial in six months!!! I have no idea how I will manage until then. I was a stay at home mom and even when I worked I earned so much less than him.

So here we are. I know he will eventually have to pay us. While he has had the time of his life this past year, my children have been miserable.

I filed for divorce four months after he left (he never filed) for desertion. His counter response was that he left because I was so cruel and abusive that he had to leave to save his life!!!! I was shocked to read such a thing because I was the most devoted, faithful wife one could want. I have never harmed a fly. I never spanked our children. How can he claim such a thing?

This is a man who said he loved me more than life, would never leave us and that he adored his children more than anything. In fact, he still claims all the above, which in my humble view, is outrageous.


Each day he does something horrible to us, mainly to the children and although it is not nice, it is not against the law. He has told them that they should be happy for him since he is having the time of his life. He has shared his datescapades with them which I find inappropriate and the money he has spent. He is wearing designer everything which he never did. While he spends like this, he refuses to buy clothes for the children.


His parents loved me, but the are deceased. My parents are also gone so I have no one. The children and me are basically alone in the world.

What drives a person to be so cruel to people he professed to love? How could I have misjudged him?

Nov 12, 2011
Pretty similar to me
by: Anonymous

I am in the middle of the same situation.I do not think there is another woman involved at least not yet.The fact that he seems like a different person is eerily similar to my hubby.Like your guy he was very vocal about how pretty he thot I was and how young I looked.The 'I love you' wasn't there much but I assumed.The fact that it is out of the blue does make it very difficult to process.It is like he is really sick but doesn't know it.I am sure that these feelings in your husband and mine probably didn't happen overnight and have been brewing for some time.My hubby has had a lot of stress over work health and he too I believe is really afraid of death.He figures he only has 10 years apparently. That may be the case but why focus on it now?He is very poor at dealing with stress in good ways, he ignores and buries them.He cannot discuss issues without getting angry.It is the only emotion he really knows how to express toward me.I think youur hubby and mine truly think that we are the problem but believe me that is definitely not the case.Men's sexual image in paramount to them and some men more so as they age and lose the ability to be aroused by the same old situation.They will often resort to sex toys etc to help.I am not saying this is wrong but if they then can find some younger 'fantasy' women to synthetically arouse them(meaning it is not real but a toy)this makes them feel young again.Obviously I do not agree with this but I can see why they go for it like lambs to the slaughter.It kind of makes me disgusted as it is so immature and juvenile and very pointless.We both know in the end we are all only human and his new woman will see him for who he truly is and he will realize that she is not the perfect person he thinks she is now but perhaps needy and not really you.It is significant to me that he chose a younger woman that looks like you.In the meantime protect yourself do not beat yourself up about it.As my sister keeps telling me IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.Yes you may look back and see areas where you could do some things differently but we all are human and prone to fail.I am sure that if you had known the extent of his problem you would have been very willing to seek help for it.He is the one who broke faith with you.Stay connected with family and friends, accept their suppport and help it is not a sign of weakness.Get some counselling for yourself to help you make sense of your emotional distress and give you strength to move ahead without him.He may change his mind and want to come back after a year or so many do. Usually by then the wife has moved on and rejects the reunion.You must not hold out too much hope for this and put your life on hold, but at least be sure you remain healthy emotionally so that you can see clearly to make the right choices if that time ever comes for you.My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Nov 11, 2011
This is NOT your fault
by: Anonymous

Your husband is afraid of death. Like mine who left a 40 year marriage. Throwing away our beautiful home. Disrespecting our adult children.
Throwing away his career. He had 3 degrees and designations. Reached top of his career.
His new life is about alcohol, gambling, porn, group sex and smoking crack. Everything about him has changed. It has been almost two years and he just filed bankruptcy. He is now an old man,with no retirement and no job. You have to let your husband go. I still burst into tears at who i remember. The family traditions that have been shattered. The past memories ruined by this ugly new presence but it does get better!! and you will that you for the first time in your life you can find out what you are really made of and you will be surprised how strong you are. We were raised that everyone comes first. You are now headed into a journey of self discovery like none other don't let his mistakes beat you down. You can rebuild a more interesting and diverse life. Grieve your loss but know your future is not over. Don't let him take it away. Your success is the best revenge!!

Nov 07, 2011
My Heart Goes Out To You!
by: Anonymous

Yes, the same thing happened to me after 30 years of marriage. He was a loving and devoted husband and father. He fell in love with his co worker. The last 6 months he lived with me he was acting very distant and then he finally confessed to the affair because he was feeling guilty because I was taking him to a resort in Costa Rica (which by the way, I ended up going there alone). Now we're divorcing. I don't think he even has admitted to himself the incredible damage he has done to our family. He doesn't understand why his daughter is so upset. He keeps saying "I left you, not her!" He doesn't realize he destroyed the years of building a family infrastructure. Its like dropping a bomb on your home and just walking away, while the rest of the family has to deal with it. Very best to you. Pls. comment back if you want to keep writing to me.

Michele

Nov 07, 2011
Husband left!
by: Anonymous

I completely understand how you feel along with all the other wives (and some husbands too) that have been abandoned! Gather as much information as you can about midlife crisis, it will truly allow you to understand much more clearly what is happening. This is an excellent site, also check out "The Hero's Spouse" this too is an excellent site, it will help you, I promise x

Nov 07, 2011
Married 25 Years
by: Anonymous

I have just gone through a very similar situation in the past 7 months. I've been married for 25 yrs and had just moved into a new home last yr. When I discovered this affair, within 4 weeks my husband moved out. He has filed for divorce. He is living with his new women & the affair has been going on for 1 3/4 yrs. In the beginning I felt just like you. This is one of the toughest life changing events to go through. It would be good for you to have a support group (trusted family/friends). Also sometimes individual counseling/therapy is helpful too. I used both and it helped me greatly. Be good to yourself- Live your life with your best interest in mind!

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