Husbands Mid Life Crisis

by Gill B
(Teesside)

Question

I am 46 and my Husband is about to turn 50. My Husband was the most loving kindest gentle man I have ever known. I have known him for 30 years and we had been married for just 4 months short of 20 when he totally blew my world apart.

We had started to go for marriage counselling as we felt there was a communication problem. Two weeks into this my Husband just turned around one morning and said he didn't love me anymore. I couldn't take this and reacted very badly to hearing this by running round the house like a lunatic and banging into doors.

I couldn't believe he had said it as we have always been so in love and he told me he would always love me and never let me down, he treated me like a princess and so loved me. We have 3 children aged 18, 19 and 25.

I can't really remember much of what happened after this other than I was off work for 6 weeks, I lost 3 stones inweight and generally didn't function. Over the weeks more things came out and I found out my Husband had visited a high class hooker a few years ago (I thought he was at work). My Husband said he had devoted 19 years to his family and now he wanted his time. After the 6 weeks he said he wanted a divorce. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and it was so painful.

The next day after we had told the children he then decided he wanted to try and make things right. We decided on a week apart. I went away with two of my children and by the fourth day he sent me a text to say he was joining me. I had been out and purchased some new clothes by then (not that I didn't look after myself before then), but he suddenly decided he wanted me.

That night in the accommodation my Husband looked at me with love and I knew then that he did love me. We met again at home and things have been steady to a certain extent. I guess I am one of the lucky ones in that I still have my Husband at home, but it's not perfect (I know most relationships aren't). He has changed massively, he no longer has the gentle ways he used to have and he cannot tell me he loves me. My Husband cuddles me a lot more now (whilst going through the worst of it he wouldn't come near me), he takes time for me now and we spend more time together.

My worry is that he seems to subconsciously hurt me a lot and does what he wants to without any thought for how anyone in the family hurts or feels. He is totally wrapped up in him and I am taking all of the blame on board. He is very keen to say it is me who has the problem, me who has the faults and he is blameless.

Is he going through midlife crisis and why do I have to hurt so much? I love him so much and it is endless pain to live without his love. I can't accept how much he has changed and I don't understand. Why am I taking everything on board and blaming myself for everything? I have started to hate me and I just blame myself. I don't understand what is going on anymore.

Noel's Response

Sounds like a tough situation. All I can suggest is that you get some help (counsellor, therapist, whatever seems best to you), to help you stop blaming yourself, and to take a stand for yourself.

If he is willing, suggest the two of you go back to marriage counselling. There are always two sides to every human conflict, so he is definitely part of it.

If you are blaming yourself so as not to upset him out of fear he will leave, you need to let that go as well, as if you don't you will start resenting him more and more, until it is you who wants to leave!