I am a gay Christian, and struggling. Is this Mid-Life or just messed up in the head?

by Bob
(New Mexico)

I just turned 49 years old. To give you a brief background, I'm a Christian, gay but trying not to be and hiv positive. Most of my life I've fought the gay feelings because of my religious beliefs but have jumped in and out of the gay lifestyle for periods of time.


As I turned 49yo I'm very "out of sorts" in my head with my entire life. Is this a Mid-Life thing? I'm still single at 49 and with the hiv I'm thinking I shouldn't expect otherwise. But I hate being alone. The gay life style is all about being young. My chances of finding a partner are scarce now. And I have absolutely no experience with women. And the Bible says its wrong.

Should I Work out to look fit? Some of my joints hurt after I work out, and I'm getting old should I bother? no one will look at me I'm old. Do I want to do what I'm doing career-wise now when I'm 65 years old if I live that long? What if I die, did I make right choices, a lot of them no..I'm nervous about standing before God the way I've lived. I don't like my life but feel stuck and miserable and confused and very much alone.

That's a hint of what's been going on in my head. I find that I have been watching a lot of TV lately to focus on something other then all those thoughts. I cry often now. Sometimes for no reason other than the fact that I feel sad. I just started testosterone therapy. The doctor said mine was the level of a 75-year-olds. How do I sort through all this. I feel overwhelmed.

I'm open to your answers. Thank you for taking the time to offer advice.

Bob

Noel's response

Sounds as though you are having quite a struggle!

As far as being a gay Christian, I don't believe being gay is a choice, any more than being heterosexual is a choice. I know many gay men and women, many of whom hit midlife and could no longer deny the fact that they were gay. It seems to be hard-wired somehow.
I used to teach adult bible study, and I only found two places in the bible that talked about homosexuality. In one passage (I don't remember chapter and verse) it mentions that God doesn't like lying, cheating, stealing, homosexuality, etc. - in other words, it was on an equal status with everyday things like lying and cheating. In another passage, it mentions that God doesn't like homosexuality. But having worked in the middle east, I believe the reference is to a practice in the ancient world of older men choosing younger men to have sexual relationships with, even though the older men were married. It was more of a cultural thing. It was also practiced in ancient Greece, and perhaps other countries.

Being as gay men today don't seem to have a choice in being gay (I can't see a man choosing to be gay, knowing the censorship he will face from society), I can't imagine a God who would penalize a man or woman for having been born gay.

There are also many gay ministers and priests, both men and women. A Moravian church my wife and I used to attend has an openly gay minister. We also stood up for some gay friends when they got married, and the minister of the church they got married in is openly gay, as are many in the congregation.

I see you are in New Mexico, so I googled 'gay support group New Mexico', and found this:
Pridenet. You will notice that on the home page there is a link for a site called 'Meet Old Gay Men '.

Re: Crying a lot, it seems to go with the territory when you enter andropause, which is the age you are at. I became more emotional at about age 50, and did many of my friends who are that age and beyond. One friend told me he used to even cry when there was a news story on TV of someone getting rescued from a disastrous situation.

In order to get a clear sense of life mission, and yourself as a man, you might benefit from taking the 'New Warrior Training Adventure', it is sponsored by an international organization called the The ManKind Project New Mexico. This link is for the New Mexico community. This is a challenging training, but very worthwhile. There are many gay men in the ManKind project.

Comments for I am a gay Christian, and struggling. Is this Mid-Life or just messed up in the head?

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Nov 17, 2011
Thank you !
by: Bob from New Mexico

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. I'm overwelmed by the how you guys care.

I have been starting to feel better. I'm on testosterone therapy and my emotions seem to have somewhat stabalized. Although the gay lustful desires are still there, as a 49 yo I feel like I want to focus on things that are more life worthy and not on what my hormones dictate, if that makes sense. I am in the process of registering for a class to learn photoshop, graphic arts has always been a passion of mine. I decided to pursue it. I am looking into beginning to attend a Bible study as well.

I still think Im going to andropause though. The other day I was so cold in work I had my coat on, everyone in work looked at me like I was weird LOL. Aaah the cycle of life. I hope I get through this manopause quickly.

Thank you again! I am always open to your thoughts,

Bob from New Mexico

Oct 19, 2011
I am not your judge!
by: Anonymous

Know this the devil is the author of confusion! You need I think to spend more time in God's word that is the only thing that will clear your head, not Joel olsteen and his word but simple Gods word which is the bible it will correct you where you need to be corrected.


The Just shall live by the faith of Jesus Christ!

Oct 15, 2011
May the Good Lord Bless You!
by: Anonymous

You are so AUTHENIC! Good Luck out there!

Oct 14, 2011
Read My 'I Am a Gay Christian' Page
by: ScottChristianBauer.net

I struggled with being gay and being a Christian until one amazing truth finally sunk in: Sexual orientation plays no part whatsoever in the salvation process!!! That should be the starting point for anyone having difficulty with the whole "gay Christian" thing. Please take a few moments to read my 'I Am a Gay Christian' page. It might help:
http://scottchristianbauer.net/gaychristian.htm

Oct 11, 2011
Gay Christian- mid life crisis
by: Anonymous

The Lord doesn't not judge you, you are as he created you. He has a plan for you look to him for guidance. I'm reading this book called "Become a better you" form Joel Osteen try it it is very uplifting. I am separated from my husband since July and he has another woman and I know he's going thru mid life crisis but I haven't told him nor has he admitted it but this book in a few days has given me the strength because it tells me what God had planned for me.

Give it a try. But keep busy so your head doesn't continue to talk at you negatively if that makes sense.

Take care!

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