I am a gay Christian, and struggling. Is this Mid-Life or just messed up in the head?

by Bob
(New Mexico)

I just turned 49 years old. To give you a brief background, I'm a Christian, gay but trying not to be and hiv positive. Most of my life I've fought the gay feelings because of my religious beliefs but have jumped in and out of the gay lifestyle for periods of time.

As I turned 49yo I'm very "out of sorts" in my head with my entire life. Is this a Mid-Life thing? I'm still single at 49 and with the hiv I'm thinking I shouldn't expect otherwise. But I hate being alone. The gay life style is all about being young. My chances of finding a partner are scarce now. And I have absolutely no experience with women. And the Bible says its wrong.

Should I Work out to look fit? Some of my joints hurt after I work out, and I'm getting old should I bother? no one will look at me I'm old. Do I want to do what I'm doing career-wise now when I'm 65 years old if I live that long? What if I die, did I make right choices, a lot of them no..I'm nervous about standing before God the way I've lived. I don't like my life but feel stuck and miserable and confused and very much alone.

That's a hint of what's been going on in my head. I find that I have been watching a lot of TV lately to focus on something other then all those thoughts. I cry often now. Sometimes for no reason other than the fact that I feel sad. I just started testosterone therapy. The doctor said mine was the level of a 75-year-olds. How do I sort through all this. I feel overwhelmed.

I'm open to your answers. Thank you for taking the time to offer advice.

Bob

Noel's response

Sounds as though you are having quite a struggle!

As far as being a gay Christian, I don't believe being gay is a choice, any more than being heterosexual is a choice. I know many gay men and women, many of whom hit midlife and could no longer deny the fact that they were gay. It seems to be hard-wired somehow.
I used to teach adult bible study, and I only found two places in the bible that talked about homosexuality. In one passage (I don't remember chapter and verse) it mentions that God doesn't like lying, cheating, stealing, homosexuality, etc. - in other words, it was on an equal status with everyday things like lying and cheating. In another passage, it mentions that God doesn't like homosexuality. But having worked in the middle east, I believe the reference is to a practice in the ancient world of older men choosing younger men to have sexual relationships with, even though the older men were married. It was more of a cultural thing. It was also practiced in ancient Greece, and perhaps other countries.

Being as gay men today don't seem to have a choice in being gay (I can't see a man choosing to be gay, knowing the censorship he will face from society), I can't imagine a God who would penalize a man or woman for having been born gay.

There are also many gay ministers and priests, both men and women. A Moravian church my wife and I used to attend has an openly gay minister. We also stood up for some gay friends when they got married, and the minister of the church they got married in is openly gay, as are many in the congregation.

I see you are in New Mexico, so I googled 'gay support group New Mexico', and found this:
Pridenet. You will notice that on the home page there is a link for a site called 'Meet Old Gay Men '.

Re: Crying a lot, it seems to go with the territory when you enter andropause, which is the age you are at. I became more emotional at about age 50, and did many of my friends who are that age and beyond. One friend told me he used to even cry when there was a news story on TV of someone getting rescued from a disastrous situation.

In order to get a clear sense of life mission, and yourself as a man, you might benefit from taking the 'New Warrior Training Adventure', it is sponsored by an international organization called the The ManKind Project New Mexico. This link is for the New Mexico community. This is a challenging training, but very worthwhile. There are many gay men in the ManKind project.