I am separated from my abusive husband, now he wants me back

by JAM
(Australia)

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. I have known him for 40 years. During our marriage he has been very controlling, domineering, verbally abusive, relies on alcohol, critical of me, loves but yet hates my family, he fell out with most members of his family, self pity. I left him about a week ago to sort myself out. He is very repentant - wants me back and says he will not hurt me anymore etc. I have been going for counseling - he starts tomorrow - what do I do - give us time and give him a second chance or make a complete break. I still care for him. He cannot manage on his own yet I can.


Noel's response

It sounds as though you have paid your dues. My suggestion is that you wait a significant period of time before you consider taking him back, if at all. If he drinks too much, he probably needs to get sober (as in joining AA), and is sounds as though he needs quite a bit of counseling before there would be any lasting change.

Abusive people are often apologetic when the one they were abusing leaves, but when they come back it is game on again.

You say he can't manage on his own, but if he is an adult, he can figure it out.

I suggest you keep working with your counselor to figure out if/when you might give him a second chance.

Comments for I am separated from my abusive husband, now he wants me back

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Nov 28, 2011
Do not go back
by: Anonymous

My dad was the same mom tried to leave him after I had left home. There were still two children at home. He cried and was like a baby. she took him back the abuse continues I believe. At least the alcohol abuse did. I don't judge my mother we had it all out years ago but my opinion is that she made the wrong choice. Please do not jump right back into this mess. Take some time for yourself to get your head straight about things. Years of abuse does a terrible number on your sense of self. you even may not think you are able to live without him. Keep up the counselling for yourself until you really know what YOU want not what he is begging for. It is a hard decision but I believe you can do it. My hopes and prayers are with you.

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