I am separated from my abusive husband, now he wants me back

by JAM
(Australia)

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. I have known him for 40 years. During our marriage he has been very controlling, domineering, verbally abusive, relies on alcohol, critical of me, loves but yet hates my family, he fell out with most members of his family, self pity. I left him about a week ago to sort myself out. He is very repentant - wants me back and says he will not hurt me anymore etc. I have been going for counseling - he starts tomorrow - what do I do - give us time and give him a second chance or make a complete break. I still care for him. He cannot manage on his own yet I can.

Noel's response

It sounds as though you have paid your dues. My suggestion is that you wait a significant period of time before you consider taking him back, if at all. If he drinks too much, he probably needs to get sober (as in joining AA), and is sounds as though he needs quite a bit of counseling before there would be any lasting change.

Abusive people are often apologetic when the one they were abusing leaves, but when they come back it is game on again.

You say he can't manage on his own, but if he is an adult, he can figure it out.

I suggest you keep working with your counselor to figure out if/when you might give him a second chance.