I don't want to let go but I know I have to!

My husband (36 yrs old) of 8 years just left me this fall. We had a solid relationship and our qualities and interests were intertwined. He was a kind, caring, spiritual being who always saw the good in people and helped me be a better person because of it. We were planning on starting a family this year and he was going to finish his doctorate sometime in the spring.


A couple of months before he left me he met a women (9yrs younger) and began having an affair with her. I was unaware of what was going on until I stumbled upon some evidence that something was going on. I confronted him and he denied it, until more lies were discovered and then part of the truth came out. I then came home the next day to a note on the coffee table saying he decided to leave me for her. I wanted to work things out because I believe in love and the vows that we took but he said he didn't want to work things out with me because he was in love with her. A couple weeks after he left we chatted on the phone a few times, these conversations were calm and compassionate but always felt like we were avoiding the elephant in the room. Within a month of leaving me he has created a new life for himself. He quit school, is not in contact with any friends and has not made any contact with me. He has been traveling South East Asia with this women for 3 months and has already started making plans of where they are going to live when they return to Oregon.

I am still very close with his family and through them I hear that he is very happy with this women.
My heart wants him to come home and go through the spiritual journey of forgiveness so we can have a life together. I still love him but I know that I must 'de-build' my love for him because he doesn't love me anymore and could never face this life again.

I am having a difficult time letting go? And I am not sure how to get through this without him. I want to email him everyday to tell him about how much I miss him; especially when I am experiencing something that we loved to do together. But I am trying to stay strong and haven't emailed him since he left. I have started seeing a Councillor and I am doing lots of meditations but can you suggest any words of wisdom or comfort. My heart is hurting and my chest feels heavy. I am scared that I will never meet another man who will treat me as well as he did (before this women). I found deep true love once already in my life, how do I find it again? Do you have any insight into his situation and how that may play out. I just want him to come home but I know it won't happen...I am still in denial I think. Thank you for any thoughts that you may have to help me through this transition in my life.

Noel's response

I suggest you continue in counseling, and work through your grief (I have found it takes about three years) of losing him. Admit to yourself that he is gone. Become the kind of person you want to be with (if you aren't already), as we attract and are attracted to others who are in an identical state of emotional development.

It is entirely possible to have another loving relationship in your future. I was in a very harmonious marriage, but my wife died in a car accident. I got married again a year later, which was a mistake, as I was still grieving my first wife. After thirteen years of struggle, my second wife and I split up. I then connected with my current wife, and two and a half years later we got married. We have been very happily married for 22 years.

Comments for I don't want to let go but I know I have to!

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Jan 13, 2012
you are going to be ok
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain and understand your hurt as i have been through the same thing. you are doing all the right things by counseling and seek out friends and family for support as much as you need it. Believe me when i tell you there will be a day when you will feel better, stronger and you will meet someone. the pain can be unbearable at times but you must have faith in yourself that you will get through this, it is a process that you can not fast forward (unfortunately!) but you will one day look back and know that this experience did happen for a reason and you are stronger for it. blind faith right now; just know you are not alone.

Jan 05, 2012
With you
by: Anonymous

Wow same thing for me ours was after 26yrs I know it hurts and you are lost but I have faith we will find our way.

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