I think I blew things up!

by Lucy
(Salt Lake City, utah)

I have been married to 43 year old workaholic for 15 years. I'm not sure when every thing started I just know I felt the distance and our sex life became non-existent. (Trust me I tried) After many fights, and him says he was "going to leave" I pushed the issue so he left. He has been gone a little over a month. We have dated every week and he has come to one counseling session.


On the last date, I had found out he is hiding money. So I mentioned it ( not very nice I might add) he instantly got mad , which a fight followed.
So after not hearing from him, I apologized. His response " I still care deeply about you and I love you and just want you to be happy". I'm so confused. I responded with I don't want to live my life alone anymore... It's been two days no response.

I know I have always been second to work. In fact he was there when we scheduled our 2nd counseling session, which was before our fight, he cannot make because of a work trip he scheduled.

He keeps saying he is evaluating the man is was and is trying to figure out the man he should be. But in my opinion, is doing little to change. Still work comes first. He will go weeks without calling his daughter 14. But has changed physical thing, new clothes, working out, etc.

I know I need to just shut up, it's hard.
Did I blow it?

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Sep 11, 2015
Update
by: Lucy

So here goes the update.. We have tried the dating and he stopped counseling said it was for me. I have continued. At times he was kind, nice and loving. The next time cold, distant and mean. I think July was my turning point when he finally told me he was hiding money. ( I figured but didn't want to believe it). I'm more upset about the way he told me than anything. It became my fault and because of me he had to do it. It was probably one of the most cruel things he could have said. After this I started telling him what I needed from him in our relationship.. And set some very strong boundaries. After a great family vacation.. He was more himself than he has been in a long time... We arrive home and Mr. Distant and unloving returns. I told him I am done. Unfortunately, I filed for divorce this week.

The thing I don't get: I told him I was done and he should go back to his place. He wouldn't leave. Every time I said anything about me being done all he would do is say " but Babe"
Oh and he told me before I said I was done that we were like brother and sister and he has lost his spark for me. Which I have heard many times. And in the same breath that this is the most important relationship he has.. Confusing!
I just can't take anymore.. I don't think he believes I'm done but I guess he will when he gets the divorce papers.
I have never been on such a roller coaster. Wow this sucks!

Mar 25, 2015
Now what
by: Lucy

So now we are back to dating. He is still not home. We are going to counseling. He is more himself and seems to be getting better. He also says he feels like he is coming out of a fog. My question is how long does coming out of the fog take? And how are your sure they are done coming out of the fog?

Noel's response: I don't know of a way you can be sure he is done coming out of the fog, but if he feels as though he is, he probably is, and it will take as long as it takes. In the meantime live your life (don't put if off until you are 'sure'.)

Mar 08, 2015
Why not try something novel?
by: Mikiyah from central WI

Hello Lucy:

Why not try something novel?
YOU my dear woman come 1st, your daughter comes in a very close 2nd & your too-busy man is LAST. Celebrate who you are today & focus on how strong you have become over time.
Remind yourself that it was HIM who blew things up, yet simultaneously, I agree with Noel who said, "It takes two to blow it. So far it sounds as though YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE TRYING to make things work."
All I know is that I would be UNable to tolerate that kind of behavior & would RUN!!!
Namaste & blessings Lucy!!!

Mar 08, 2015
I think i blew things up!
by: NWF

Oh honey...hold onto your hat, this is going to get much worse I am sorry to say. If you ask him any questions, he will go off on you. This is the very slow start of a midlife crisis. None of this is your fault!!!!! It is his shadow starting to show thru due to buried issues from childhood and early adolescence. He is an emotional mess right now (it will get worse also)and probably very confused as well. He will become very selfish and childish at times and his thinking will show down. He may go looking for another woman(OW) to validate and listen to all of his false stories of you and to rub his ego. Please go to midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com and read the articles there to learn from. They may be hard to understand at first but over time you will understand this whole process better. It is better not to mention the D word or give him any ideas at all. Just be quite, if possible, and give him space. This will be very difficult to do for you but hang in there if you are able to. Find a close friend to confide in and hang on tightly for the roller coaster ride of your life. Try to emotionally detach...it will save your sanity as they lose theirs.

This is not your fault and you cannot fix it...he has to continue on his path downward in order to recover later on. Your may want to protect your finances ASAP...get your own bank accounts and credit cards, you are responsible for half of all debt right now and you want to remove yourself from the financial downfall which may happen, as it quite often does. He may also want to forget his present life soon and that includes removing himself from your life and the life of your children. I know that sounds crazy and it is but prepare yourself for that possibility.

Read about low-level depression at midlife and midlife crisis, as well as male menopause. This is becoming a very big problem in today's age.

Hugs for you!

Mar 07, 2015
Maybe not
by: Noel

It takes two to blow it. So far it sounds as though you are the only one trying 'make things work'.

That fact that you go on dates is a good sign, but you must also decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life coming second to his work.

He seems to be trying to figure things our for himself. Maybe you do too.

In the meantime, let him have his space, but maintain some boundaries for yourself.

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