I'm struggling, and my boyfriend/fiance is riding away...

by Kathleen
(Lisle, IL)

The Question

I have been dating Bob or 7 years. He has lived with me and my two kids for 4 years of those 7 years.

Last Christmas was a disaster. My mom was hospitalized with a broken femur, my dad needed someone to watch him as he has Alzheimers. On top of this, I was working full time and took a part time Christmas job (bad idea as I got very stressed out).
Bob also presented me with an engagement ring for Christmas. No proposal, just a ring.

In March, my best friend was diagnosed w/stage three oral cancer which has had a profound impact on my life. I spent my spring break taking care of her as 1/2 her tongue was removed and the cancer spread to the lymph nodes. She has completed chemo & rad treatment. I pray it doesn't return.

In July, a new director started at work and the person terrifies me. She is very aggressive and territorial. I started looking for a new job (more stress as the job market is very compeitive). I slipped into a depression from July thru September and I was not fun to be around. I was angry, guilty for being a unpleasent to be around and felt my life was out of control.

During this self loathing time, I must have not attended to Bob's needs as he has left us. Bob spent the last couple months "running away" on his Harley (he is a long time rider) taking trips to get away.

What can I do to reach out to him? He says he loves me and the kids, but he doesn't see a future together. I don't understand how it took seven years for him to figure this out. I hardly recognize him anymore as his personality has change and he has incredible moods swing. He seems depressed. Lost.

Being a man that has gone thru this stage of life, what do you recommend for us? Do you see him coming back if I remain patient? This entre year has been surreal. Any help would be a lifesaver.

Thank you,
Kathleen

Noel's response

Sounds like a tough situation. My guess, from your description of Bob's behaviour, is that he is depressed. If you can get him to look at my Depression page, he might recognize his symptoms there, and be willing to see his doctor for some treatment (a thorough medical, plus perhaps some medication and/or cognitive therapy).

If he is in a midlife transition, this too shall pass, but there is no way to know how long it will take.

On the other hand, you have had a very tough year, and if Bob can't understand that, and support you through it, maybe he is not the best choice for you. When other tough times come throughout your life (they do in everyone's life), he may 'ride off into the sunset' again.