You obviously need background, so here goes....get ready for a walk on the dark side!
I met my husband in a brothel...I was a hooker (high class though!), and he was a client. I quit work, we started dating, and we got engaged. I had our first son pre-wedding (I put off the wedding - we were engaged - as I didn't want "fat" photos) and then after a year of marriage we had our second son. Both turned out to be autistic. I stayed at home doing 40hrs/week therapy with both boys for the first 7 years, then I went and got an outside the home job as an administrative assistant - I worked my way up the ladder to Team Leader with 18 staff after about 3 years. He started out when he met me as a Leading Hand Mechanic, and worked up to a Workshop Supervisor...we had to move to all kinds of remote locations for his work, and I followed with the boys until they had to go to the Autism Association for full time therapy, and they started school. After that, i moved into a local large city with the boys, and he worked away, coming home once or twice a month on leave before flying back to work in remote areas. basically, the boys have not had more than 12 times a year with daddy, because of his work over the years. He got a job in Peru when he was 35, and the night he went there, he slept with his first hooker (a "welcome gift" from management). I found out and gave him the ultimatum to come home to Australia - which he did after 4 months - he was then unemployed. I supported us with my part time job until he was employed again, about 3 months later.
I moved the boys and myself across the country to try again after counseling, and we seemed to be okay for about the next 8 years. I have always had feelings of inadequacy (hence the original job choice I would imagine - I come from very dysfunctional stock) and he has always had anger management issues. I asked him to seek counseling for that, while I also had counseling for my issues...then we decided to move the boys overseas to Indonesia (his idea)(as the therapy they have received has resulted in them no longer fitting the diagnosis, and they are for all intents and purposes now "normal" - can fit into mainstream schooling, social and peer situations happily - a double edged sword, I can assure you!) I wanted to try my hand at business, and he was initially all for it...the first time lasted 14 months...then we went back to Australia, and the boys decided that they preferred the schooling they received overseas, so I brought them back. Initially, my husband was okay with it, but we have been here for 10 months now, and he is constantly angry, does not bother to email or telephone us, does not want to come to see us etc. He does come up one a month (like he has at every other stage in their upbringing) but he is just so angry all the time.
We struggle to communicate at all now, as he is telling me that he no longer likes me as a person, i have "let myself go" (looking old - I am 44 years of age and weigh 49kgs - I have lost about 5 kgs due to the horrible food here) He spent $2200AU on skin care for himself, but gives us $3000AU/month to live on here (he earns $16,000AU/month), he does not want to touch me sexually when he comes here, as he is too angry with work, me, the boys, etc...he is constantly denigrating me ( I smoke too much, drink too much - he doesn't do either
, let the boys get away with too much, look old, have wrinkly skin, move too slowly, let people walk over me, need to grow balls etc...BTW he has also always been obese, due to his families revolting eating habits 115kg/6ft frame) He has told me that he has no desire to help support me emotionally in our new business, he has worked all his life for nothing as I will end up with it all (not true!) the boys were never autistic, (it was me attention seeking) and that he is unhappy and not sure what he wants in life anymore. He does have a heart condition (AF) that I believe is triggered by anger, but he won't allow us to get medical insurance here...and he seems to having attacks more often the angrier he gets (he also tends to "forget" his medication, requiring me to troll local doctors at odd hours of the day and night to find it here...
I have just dropped him off at the airport this morning, and he refused to even kiss me goodbye - he has stated he will come up again for Xmas (for the boys) but after that, he will let me know whether he wants to stay with me. He has said that a friend has spoken to him about looking at himself - whether all the things that annoy him now are about him rather than me (as I haven't changed my behaviour in 17 years, and he didn't mind before) I am so confused, and stuck in a foreign country without access to your book - or any English language books of note actually! Please give me some advice if you can - underneath it all, I know he is hurting, but I don't know how to help him and he won't allow us to go back to Australia as he has invested too much money here...
Elle Noel's response
I don't know whether you can buy books on Amazon, or whether they cost too much by the time you pay the exchange and shipping. If you can afford to, I suggest one or both of Jed Diamond's books: The Irritable Male Syndrome
or Mr. Mean - Saving your relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome
Either of these books might be helpful to you. Other than that I am not sure what to suggest. Your husband obviously has anger issues, and from the sound of it maybe self esteem issues as well.
Look after yourself as best you can, and move forward with your life with or without him.