Is a texting relationship an affair?

by Hollie
(USA)

This is how my story begins...He gets a new phone, updates it on our laptop at home. I ebay, so I start looking for pictures of inventory to post. When I go to our pictures, I see one of a pornographic nurse and one of him and a Hooter's waitress. Thus begins my search. First, I call him and jump him because we have a male teenager in the house. How irresponsible!! Then, I start looking at the phone bill. Low and behold, the number of his text messages have doubled our teenager's texts. I begin my search for this phone number, and find her name. You would not believe the long silence I got when her name came out of my mouth!! It's not either of the waitresses, but one of his customer's that he hit it off with. Mind you...he wears no wedding ring, which has always bothered me and there are no pix of family or a wife in his office. I was really beginning to think I was married to Tiger Woods!!


Long story short..he's not as happy as he used to be, he's got to fix him and figure out how he let this happen before he can fix us. It was non-sexual, however, they discussed trying to meet, but never did. Do I believe that? He says he stopped it at the end of November, yet he's blocked me from the phone bill...says we have to re-establish trust. I feel like I'm being punished for being smart enough to catch him and know her name!! He says it wasn't an affair, but a friendship, yet he called it an "inappropriate relationship". Was it only inappropriate because he was hiding it from me, or is there more to the story? Then, if it isn't an affair, why is it inappropriate? He lets me ask really difficult questions, any time I want to. I THINK he's trying, but part of me thinks he's just covering it up better now.
Please help because I am on the roller coaster ride of my life and the only thing I do is PRAY and CRY.

Noel's response

About the only thing I can suggest is perhaps marriage counseling, if he is willing to go. You might also go for a walk or ride with him, where you are not talking face-to-face (it is easier for a man to talk in this 'non-threatening' way) and talk, using 'I statements', about your fears about what you think might be going on.

Of course he could be telling you the truth, and your fears are simply 'making you crazy'.

Comments for Is a texting relationship an affair?

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Feb 26, 2012
Midlife in our mid 20's
by: Anonymous

Hi... Think my boyfriend of 8 years is going through a midlife crisis.. He hasn't been texting other women.. But when his out he flirts.. I don't think he knows his doing it.. Cause he does it even when I am with him... His good friend told me once that she has to remind him that he has a girlfriend Sometimes. And that really concerns me.... I think he plays two different ppl.. When his with me he acts like our relationship is the only thing that's important.. And when his out he goes nuts a d forgets I exist and stands me up when we are suppose to me up the next day , most of his friends are single and i think he feels like he has to act like them to still feel like one of the guys... There's another problem.. I am 7 months pregnant.. And I feel like I am doing it alone.. He is there but not there for me.. He thinks being in the same room is spending time with me.. But his always doing work things or on his phone or watching tv.... We don't actually talk.. When I try to involve him in things for the baby it feels like a hassle. I literally have bust his chops to look at prams and car seats go to dr appointments ultrasounds. But as soon as he wants a new pair jeans or shoes he can spend and entire walking around trying everything on while I just follow.
I need help I feel like I am growing up and taking responsibility for my life and the choices we made together ( to have the baby) but I don't think he has...

Feb 01, 2012
Texting , the new normal
by: Anonymous

I believe that these high tech phones have enabled men that are Narcissistic in nature to validate their existence by acquiring texting partners.
I ended a one year relationship with someone that from the beginning had all sorts of women names appear - one in particular who is also married !
They say they are good friends ! HA~
There is no room for an intimate relationship with another person of the opposite sex - I broke into his phone and confronted him, her -
He got furious - he denied and called me a liar -

I am suffering his void, as when we were good together we had some very special things we shared.
I am not missing the anxiety - the energy that went into figuring out all of these women -

Facts are what they are, and if this happens it is time to move on -

Jan 21, 2012
susan
by: Anonymous

i caught my husband texting at xmas, i confronted him, he said he was just flirting! And will not talk about it, he will raise his voice in rage about something else and walk away! 23YRS married dont know what 2 do

Jan 08, 2012
Don't be in Denial....
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for all the above issues and problems that many women face all the time. I, as a previous woman of similar circumstances (was with someone for 7 years and thought the world of him), and things were great until the first 'incident'. In particular the fiance accused me of cheating while he was away at work (tractor trailer stuff) which was Absolutely incorrect. Long story short, this led to more and more accusations and then years of jealousy, distrust, and inevitably - an unhealthy relationship that was doomed from the start.
The final straw was when we agreed to work things out, he decided to take a nap. Although I didn't want to, i couldn't resist the urge to look at his phone. To my surprise (kinda) there was another woman's picture on the main wallpaper and in addition the last text to her was "take a ***** picture of you in the shower." I never talked to him again.
I know you love these men, but one things for sure: women's intuition just might lead you to the truth, and in turn, a better future. After all, every woman deserves a man who treats her with dignity and self-respect without lingering thoughts and unfair treatment. Although you have hope in a man, old habits are hard to break and, in most instances, you will be the one with the heartache. Hope this helps. Worked for me! I'm with a great man now. Good luck to all! <3

Dec 30, 2011
Midlife husband caught texting
by: Christie

I Am like u guys all our stories are eerily similar just exchange the names out it could be any of us. My husband says he is trying And I want to believe him just the trust is gone completely I do not trust farther thAn I can see him. I am beginning to think I can't live like this anymore.the plAying detective looking thru his phone checking behind him.I just started counseling for myself and then will ask him bout us. He says he will go but well see.my email is ccrazeegyrl@yahoo.com if anyone needs to talk or vent. I don't understand this midlife stuff.my husband is 41amd me 36. He wants to try and boost his ego it seems with way younger girls he is textin. Nothin sexual ever he had said but not sure I believe tht either. Thanks for listening

Dec 30, 2011
Keep in touch
by: Hollie

Maria,
I can be reached at womanofsteel@ymail.com (fitting, don't you think?) I'm learning how strong I can be and keep praying that maybe God will work on me and him. He never has anything to say when I talk about praying for us. I'll keep you in my prayers, as well. I think you and I are in the same boat that we didn't choose to be in. We married them thinking it was forever, believing that we were marrying good, faithful men. He is totally not himself right now. I don't even recognize him anymore. He gives me these blank stares when I question him, and asked me not to talk to anybody, especially family about what's going on with us. So, that's how I found this website...searching for someone to talk to. Please feel free to email me anytime.

Dec 30, 2011
To Hollie
by: Maria

Where do you want me to begin with my husband's behaviour, like you i am on a roller coaster and would like to know the same answer as you do.. is it an affair? I am also been kept away from his dark and disgusting world.. passwords on his email account, passwords on his mobile but i know he is doing something.. they enjoy this mental torture, i would prefer a man to stand up and be brave and say 'yes' or 'no' but in fact that would be too easy for them.. they like to have the cake and eat it at the same time.. of course he will not attend any counselling of any nature.. he will say that there is something wrong with you and that you are a sick person... then do i doubt myself, am i really sick in my head?
i would like to keep in touch with you please let me know how.. i do feel sorry for you and i know what you mean pray and cry, pray and cry that's what i am doing, somehow my older son has grown to be 21 but my younger son is 12 and he knows what's going on.. its affecting them... men like them should burn in hell, how can you trust them? how about them being in the same shoes as us?

Dec 28, 2011
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Thank you, Ladyblue, for your comment. I've actually been trying to find a source of therapy. Everything I read says to find someone who is neutral because friends and family won't be. This is a rocky journey that I'd really like to jump off of, but God has put me here for a reason, I suppose. A lesson, maybe? This is a very confusing time in my life, but I do appreciate your comments.

Dec 26, 2011
there are no degrees of honesty,,
by: ladyblue

Honesty is one of those few things in life that is immutable and absolute... Like being pregnant...it's black and white. A woman cannot be a "little" pregnant.
Yes, texting is an affair, an emotional one at that.. I believe if you intentionally engage in anything that pulls your time,energy,heart,money,or otherwise your soul on a path that brings about a distraction for emotions that are meant to be shared by two who vowed to do just that..then you have cheated. He is on a slippery path, make no mistake. And if he will no go with you, or by himself , to therapy,do it.. do not waste time "waiting" for him and his lack of self discovery.. GO yourself...go for yourself..

Dec 23, 2011
CRAZY
by: Anonymous

Not sure about counseling yet. He says he got to fix him before he can fix us. So, I guess I'm playing the waiting game until I do actually make myself crazy. I kinda feel like I'm headed there or into depression. But I'm fighting it with everything I have and with tons of prayer!
Thanks for the comment.

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