Is he cold or am I too sensitive?

by Terry
(Amsterdam, NY 12010)

I am 43 and have been seeing a man the same age as myself for 2 1/2 years, I have been living with him now for a year. A few months after we started dating my beloved cat died. The day before he died I had called my bf while on the way home from the vet crying with the bad new of having to euthanize him. He offered no support of any kind, no emotionally or in the way of helping me to bury him. I was shocked and hurt and almost ditched him then but for some reason let it go.

A month ago my father passes away from cancer. Before he passes away my bf goes with me to spend time with dad both at his home and the last 5 days in the hospital, which in my book is how it should be. During this time I received no emotional support, no hugs, no holding, no "i love you's". I asked him several times, yet still I ask to be hugged and held and still I do but get nothing. He never was much of a physical person but I'm in pain and in need and have expressed it and he just won't give me anything. This only makes my grieving worse. I feel lonely, hurt and desperately just want to be held and loved. I only named two things for the sake of having too long question. His coldness, lack of empathy for me and for the animals I help actually scares me. He is a good man otherwise, am I right by thinking of leaving him or am I asking for too much?

Noel's response

If you are looking for emotional support, he has clearly shown he is unwilling, or does not know how to give it. You will clearly not be getting it from him. So if you must have emotional support, and a physical relationship (which makes sense to me), you will need to look elsewhere.

Comments for Is he cold or am I too sensitive?

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Jan 31, 2012
Its not you
by: Terry

Confused, its not you. Like the comment that was left for me below by anoymous, we deserve better. I know there are compassionate, loving, devoted and are empathetic men and we shouldn't settle for anything less. I can't understand why they behave like this when they have loving, devoted women in thier lives, but it doesn't matter, what matters is our happiness. I want to give my love to a man who can return it in the same manner. You should do the same!!!

Jan 31, 2012
Too sensitive?
by: Confused

I left a marriage in which my husband could not be compassionate, caring, loving, or physically intimate. I turned right around and met a man who came on strong, loving, physical...until he got me then he was hateful, not compassionate, and distant. The same as my ex except he wanted sex. Both said I am too sensitive. I have decided it's not me.... So much as I found the brooding type attractive.... Hard lesson to learn.

Jan 31, 2012
Thank you :-)
by: Terry

Thank your kind words and your support. You and I
are dealing with the same issue and seem to be a lot alike. I wish we knew one another, it would be nice to have a kind, understand friend like you to talk to. I think we would have a good, mutually supportive friendship. I hope all is going well with you and your sense of peace and focus are stronger then ever :-)

Jan 31, 2012
ur needs
by: Anonymous

U seem to have a big heart, loving, caring & don't ever except less from yur man. No emotions u can't change him & its not yur fault! In opinion its only a matter of time & he is not able to give what u must have...

Jan 29, 2012
To soon to move on alone?
by: Terry

It is helpful to hear that the actions I'm thinking of taking are reinforced by someone who knows what Im going through and to hear your thoughts is helpful to me. I actually was considering finding a counselor, it probably would be a wise thing for me to do right now- you are right, I am still grieving. Thank you for your responses, I wish you all the best as well, keep strong, and take care of yourself.

Jan 28, 2012
unemotional bf
by: Anonymous

Sounds like you are still grieving. I would talk to a counselor to get some support over the grieving and the relationship. I think that you are right for not making any big changes right now. I have a counselor who helps me with the pain of abandonment of the separation and pending divorce. However, it is sad for me to realize that I feel more at peace and focus without him than with him.
Take care and all the best

Jan 27, 2012
To soon to move on alone?
by: Terry

Thank you Noel and Anonymous for your comments. Its terrible, what is the point in being in a relationship is you can't count on one another when in need? I guess I know what I need to do. I would much rather be alone then be with a man with whom I feel lonely with and I can't count on emotionally when I need him. Everything I read says not to make any drastic changes like move or switch careers after someone close to you dies. I am looking at buying a house and wouldn't want to move until late spring because of financial reasons. Would Spring be too soon or should I hold off for a while,giving myself time to heal? Right now everything is still so raw, I miss my father so much, I still cry at least once a day. I'm trying to be strong but I think im depressed, but I can't imagine that my relationship with my bf is helping me any. I really would appreciate your thoughts and advice. Again, thank you.

Jan 25, 2012
Re: Unemotional men
by: Anonymous

My soon to be ex-husband is also very unemotional. He would do things like taking me to visit my dying uncle before he died of cancer. Helping with practical stuff but does not show emotional support or empathy. Otherwise he is a good provider, making a lot of money, taking care of paperwork and other issues in the household.

I was concerned about his lack of empathy and coldness before I married him. At that time he was warmer to me. However, 9 years of marriage has proven that I could not change him. At 42, he becomes mean and rude to me and he wants to have a divorce.

I think that Noel is right. You can not change a person. If you want to live with this man you have to find emotional support elsewhere. My marriage had felt empty, lacking connection even though we have a lot of money and travel to many exotic places but there is this empty feeling inside of me.

Take care and good luck.



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