Is it a mid life crisis?

by H
(United Kingom)

I have been with my husband for 21 years, married for 12 of those. We will both be 39 this year. Completely out of the blue in September after a weekend away I asked if he was ok with us, it all then exploded. He said he loved me, but wasn't in love with me & felt he was getting himself in a place further away from me & he felt depressed & lost.
We have 2 beautiful children & as far as I was aware we had a great marriage, we never really argued, had a good life, nice things, holidays etc. We had moved in march of last year to what I thought was going to be our dream home & were both really excited about our future. He now says that the move was a fresh start, a fresh start I wasn't aware of!
The reasons he gave for falling out of love with me are that I have changed since my mum died, that I only want to be with our little family & basically criticized me for being a stay at home mum (something we both agreed on) & keeping the house nice! I offered to go to counseling, but he didn't want to, didn't want to give our marriage fighting chance.
I am heartbroken, and never thought I would be in this situation. He was my best friend, lover & soul mate & I cannot believe it, even nearly 4 months down the line. No one that knows us can believe it either.
He moved out 2 weeks after telling me how he felt. Obviously we have to keep in contact because of the kids, but I find it really hard that he just behaves so normally around me, expecting me to be his friend etc still. This hasn't been helped by the fact that all over New Year he was in hospital. I have been taking the children to see him etc, but he has been texting & calling me to keep me updated on his situation, like he would have done in the past. And he still uses the nicknames etc he had for me, it hurts! I don't feel like it is my place to be there for him any longer & it is unfair of him to behave like this with me.
I believe that there isn't another woman involved, but he did call me to tell me had a one night stand, just 2 months after this all came out. He has become so selfish & spiteful I don't recognize him anymore, it is devastating.
Could this be a mid-life crisis? Or do I just need to accept that my marriage is over & move on?

Noel's response

It certainly sounds as though it could be a midlife transition/crisis.

You are right in that you no longer have a responsibility to be there for him, and it is unfair of him to behave in that manner. My suggestion is you establish your own boundaries, and let him know that because he has left, he is 'just another person' now, and that you are happy to communicate with him about things involving the kids (and PLEASE, for the children's sakes, don't send messages back and forth between you through them), and other subjects you must talk about (e.g. finances) but you are no longer going to be someone he can chat with, etc.

At some point you will need to decide whether in fact you want to start divorce proceedings, but it might be worthwhile to wait at least a couple more months.