Is this a mid-life Crisis?

The Question


My husband and I have been together 21yrs, married 17. When we met we were 16 and 15. We are now 37 and 36. We have two teenagers.

We had a little rough time at the beginning... No money, living with parents for awhile.

Twelve years ago my husband got an awesome job that paid very well, but he worked very hard and long hours. We got what we wanted no problems. He got toys they where the best. I never told him he couldn't do anything or go anywhere.

But when the economy took a nose dive so has business. Now its a struggle.

Our sex life was good. We have experienced a lot in that department. I thought everything was great until last September when he came home said he wasn't happy. Didn't know where life was taking him. Wasn't attracted to me anymore even though we were having sex up to 3 times a week and a couple day prior.

I begged him not to leave, but he did and went to his parents. Everyone one was shocked. They thought it was a joke. He started talking about selling our house and taking our savings to pay off bills. I panicked and filed.

I tried everything to get him to come home. He would come once a week to talk about us. First he blamed me then he took it back. Then it was all him. Did a roller coaster ride back and forth emotionally. One day he came to me and broke down and cried like I have never seen him cry before, but doesn't say anything and leaves.

About a month ago he told me he had cheated on me 6 yrs ago. I was upset but cool. Said it would be a hurdle we would have to work on. A week later he told me has been taking cash for cash sales and pocketing it, keeping a different bank account, and has been seeing someone. Not a close friend but a friend. She actually has been in my house for a party we had. Of course I was very upset, but I love my husband. I told him he had to decide what he wants. I can't keep doing this roller coaster ride. He chose me, and broke up with the other woman that night and we sit down and tell the kids dad is coming home. I was so happy.

I showed him affection and we where intimate. He was there only there a week and he left again. By Wed he was talking to a lawyer. He doesn't want anything, is walking away from everything.

Says he still wants to make sure we are taken care of since I haven't worked in 7yrs. The girl he is seeing is 6yrs younger than him. I'm not sleeping well. When he left I weighed 119 lb. now I'm 103.

I'm devastated. I love him so much. From the beginning I thought he was going thru a mid-life crisis. Everyone would ask me. He doesn't think so. I don't know what to do. He wasn't just my husband he was my best friend. And it killing me that I can't talk to him like we used to.

Noel's response

It certainly does have all the earmarks of a midlife crisis. I am not sure what to suggest except that you look after your needs and make sure you and the kids are financially protected.

The fact that he told you he has been pocketing cash from cash sales suggests that he may have bills you don't know about. He says he doesn't want anything, so I suggest you get the house put in your name as soon as possible, so if there are unseen bills, creditors cannot take your house.

He may come back to you when he is through this transition, but he may not as well. You might get some counselling to help you get through this situation.

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