Is this a MLC and could he change his mind about our marriage?

I am having a really hard time coping with my changed relationship with my husband of nearly 9 years. We have 3 kids together, the youngest being 10 months and everything seemed fine between us. We had an active sex life and only had small arguments. In November he told me that he has been cheating on me (he is 37, I'm 32, she is 22) and he is confused. At that time it was only emotional but it turned physical after Christmas.


Noel's response

It does have the earmarks of a midlife transition. I suggest you set whatever boundaries you need to around your relationship with him (you don't mention whether he has moved out), and go for marriage counseling if he is willing.


We had ups and downs and I thought things were going to be fine between us, but then in mid-December he said our relationship is done because our marriage has 3 now and it cannot be fixed. In November he could not think of any reasons and said he doesn't know what went wrong between us and what she is offering that I didn't. Now he says that we don't communicate well because sometimes I ask him to repeat what he said or I misunderstand him. English is not his first language, but he is pretty fluent and the woman he is now seeing is from the same country as him.

After breaking things with me we have been intimate a few times and there was even one week where we had been completely back together. What happened at that moment is we had a huge argument then a long talk and I offered to agree to him seeing both of us because it is a huge decision and I didn't want him to simply cut me out. He agreed to this, but then backed out after a week saying he can't be with two of us and it's done between us.

After New Years he had wanted to move out because things were awkward since it was the first time he spent the night away from home and with her. I insisted that he stays at least until May or June because I can't work and handle 3 small kids alone. He agreed, so we live together but he sleeps downstairs with our two older kids. The strange thing for me is that we act exactly like we did before, except no affection (occasionally we were intimate though). However, if I cuddle near him on the couch he won't reject me - he only rejects me if I ask him to come to bed. One week ago he actually did come to me on his own for two nights but that was all, and was then cold the next day.

Before he did not try to hide when he spoke to her on the phone, but now he does. Also, so far he has not spent any other nights away, but I know he has been intimate with her. I still love him and really want to work things out with him but he insists that things are done between us. The way he looks at me and treats me sometimes makes me not believe him though. Does this sound like a MLC? Is there any chance he might come back to our relationship? How should I act around him? I tried the 180 and he really believed I moved on and things actually got worse until I admitted again how I felt and acted sweet again. Any insights? Thanks in advance.

Comments for Is this a MLC and could he change his mind about our marriage?

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Feb 07, 2012
Is this MLC?
by: Anonymous

Obviously he is confused--as they all are. This will cause confusion and depression for you also since you can't figure out his mixed messages. I wouldn't let him stay there if he is still sleeping with or taking to another woman. I understand that his will be hard for you but will it be harder than what you are going thru now? Don't be his rug to walk all over. Make up your mind on these issues and stay firm about it (boundaries) but don't cuddle with him any more. Find your own dignity and honor. It will take a long time before he figures this out for himself. Try to not to respond with anger--to his anger, if that occurs. Don't ride the emotional roller coaster with him--get off now--for your own sake. Get control of your money or he may take it and leave. I was given this advice by a PhD counselor and I didn't take it. My H did take the money and he did leave with a 4 day notice. I was in shock, that was 1.5 years ago.

Hugs for you and stay strong for yourself.

Feb 06, 2012
more info
by: Anonymous

Thanks Noel. He is still living with me and our kids, but does not sleep in the same bed as me He says sharing a bed prolongs things between us since each time we share a bed we have sex (he initiates). He refuses to go to counselling. He wanted to move out earlier but I insisted he stay to help with our kids. Right now he says he is certain our relationship is done and I should move on. I have problems believing this though because I don't understand how everything could be fine between us except affection.

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