is this a mlc

by Debbie
(Herefordshire, England)

I am 50 and have been married 12 years. Husband 40. Neither have children and first marriage for both. Bought old house in country location- long commute for him but he didn't mind- he said. When we met I was the chief earner- a Director of a FTSE 100 and he was earning £29k as a junior engineer. We were really in love and our values similar etc etc

Here we are all these years on and he is now a high earner while I have had depression after depression. Our sex life suffered from my endometriosis and I wanted to adopt so badly that I am ashamed to say I told him if he didn't that I needed to be single again. So he agreed to go through home study with me although in the end we did not adopt as the referalls times were years and years.

I gradually started working less and stayed home more- I had a car accident that meant I couldn't work and we suffered financially. Finally just before Christmas this year I found he had been having an affair with a friend of mine- her naked pics were all over his pc and he had taped porn over our wedding pictures. He had taken us to marriage guidance saying that he thought we were not communicating well but had failed to mention that he was having an affair.

I finally told him how my father had abused me as a child- I wanted him to understand why I just couldn't be as sexual to him as once I had been- Dad now has dementia and it is very hard for me to be around him.

My husband went ballistic and said I had lied to him- should have told him before we were married and that he would stay with me while I got fixed through therapy (!) I had therapy but during it was when I discovered his affair. He said she was everything I wasn't- bright, funny, sensitive- listened to him- she is also married with five children and a church leader!
Finally he left me just before Christmas with no money, all the animals to take care of, no job and destroyed me by telling me all the things that were wrong with me and that he had been unhappy for years- didn't love me and had felt he was making a mistake on our wedding day.
He had hit 40, started running obsessively, losing weight, buying clothes- I joked that if I didn't know what a lovely guy he was I would have said he was having an affair. Well-he looked into my eyes and SWORE he would never do that to me- all the time he was. And she was writing to me saying she was my sister in Christ and was praying for my Dad's health.

Horrible.

He asked me to cut down the household budget so we could save and when I did- he used the difference to rent a house far away from me and moved out. He promised to come home for weekends to see what we could salvage- but only did it twice. The second time he blurted out 'You have ruined so many peoples lives with your wish to adopt' and then told me he wanted a divorce and it wasn't like he hadn't warned me to be nicer to him.
The following DAY I had the divorce petition in the post so he had planned it all.
I took a job in a care home on the minimum wage to make ends meet and keep the animals fed. I have sold all my jewellery. He says I have ruined us financially and even though the compensation from my car accident will put that right- it has ruined our marriage- I am uninteresting, unsexy, passionless, never seduced him etc etc etc. Is this a mid life crisis? He is obsessed with the way he looks, bought a Lotus sports car (I gave him half the money) and just gave up on family life with me.

Now he is urging me into mediation as he realizes it might cost him a lot of money. My lawyer says no- we go straight to court. Last week I had to go into hospital as I had appendicitis. He came home for three days to look after the animals but did not ring or visit me at the hospital just five miles up the road to see how I was. I think he would have preferred I had died. I am completely heartbroken- feel so guilty that I wasn't a better wife and that he went from being a lovely guy to this driven, unfaithful man. I should add the one person he was scared of turning out like was his own father who left him when he was five and didn't see him again until he was nineteen- yet he has done the same to me at the same age as his Dad was when he left his family.
Is it all my fault? We only speak through lawyers. He has told friends he thinks I am mentally ill and that he should never have married so young- he wants sex, success and a good time. He was worried about his wrinkles and losing his hair. Does anyone at all have any way of explaining to me what has happened?
Is this a MLC?

Noel's response

It sounds to me like a midlife crisis complicated with his unspoken unhappiness with your pressure to adopt, your depression etc. over the years.

Is it all your fault? I don't think so. I have never heard of a relationship falling apart that was all one person's fault. In fact most of the time is is 50/50, or at best 49/51.

Your course of action (going straight to court) sounds reasonable to me, although a decent mediator would help you sort things out properly without the expense of a court, assuming he was agreeable to what the mediated settlement ended up as.

I recommend you continue, or re-start your therapy in order to help you recover your self-esteem after his verbal abuse.

Comments for is this a mlc

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Jan 18, 2012
RE: Is this a MLC?
by: NWF in NH, USA

You gave him half the money for a Lotus?? Are you crazy, not really, but lets get real here. In MLC they will always say that you are the unstable person, do not take this to heart. This is not your fault and has nothing to do with the adoption issue. It is all about him accommodating only him. They will leave, usually with another woman in tow, say terrible things to you and re-write your history together. Try not to bother with him at all since you have no children. Get a legal separation for financial help and make sure it is filed with the court ASAP. This is his emotional disaster, MLC, and not yours. Better not to beg, call, or tell him that his memories are incorrect because it will only push him away further. Do not help him with money or decisions--leave it up to him (and the OW-of course). Usually the OW is only a temporary (1 to 2 years possibly) band aid for his emotional needs.

Take this time to heal your emotional needs about your Dad--go to counseling if necessary to help deal with that issue. If he doesn't have any empathy for your endometriosis and your pain thru it, I am sorry. I don't have answers for this except that he should be ashamed of himself for not supporting you at this time.

Nothing will help him but time, time to get thru this process he is going thru. Try not to bash him emotionaly when you are upset, take a breather and relax, then continue slowly. Also, don't deny everything he says to you--even if you feel it should be so. He wants to be right so give in a little as long as it doesn't hurt you or your dignity too much. No sex--make him wait. Sooner or later, he will start to miss you and have to work on himself. Let him go-so he can return.

Check out: midlifecrisimarriageadvocate.com and read the entire MLC section-there is a lot of good info there. This has helped me greatly. My H of 17 years walked out 1.5 years ago with an OW in tow also. We have a 16 year old son together who was 14 when his dad walked out with his GF from high school-from 34 years ago. My son is greatly hurt but takes it out on me now--him then. My son and I will recover at some point--not sure about "good-old Dad".

Hugs for you!

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