Is this classic to mid-life crisis?

(NC)

Question

My husband and I have been together for almost ten years. During this time, we had previously had a wonderful sexual relationship.

About five years ago, I discovered his obsession with porn and we talked and he promised he would stop. Well, this has become a normal conversation: me extremely upset and his denial. Last year I found out he had been texting a young woman at our church and talking inappropriately.We had a hard time getting past this, as I completely felt broken. But we managed.

Now I have found out he has been talking inappropriately to my sister for about three years. She has completely turned him down, but it doesn't stop. When I asked about it he denied it at first and finally came clean and barely apologized and blamed it on a mid-life crisis.

Is this what I am dealing with? Not sure how to really get through this one.

Noel's Answer

I believe it is fairly common for men ad midlife (or maybe any age) to be attracted to porn. At midlife, it may be because the man's sexual 'ablility' is changing. He may have a more difficult time 'getting it up', and may even experience occasional impotence. This can be frightening, and as an erection is very dependent on a man's emotional state, this fear can make further impotence more likely. Porn will often allow a man to get an erection, as there is no 'performance anxiety'.

Regarding his inappropriate behaviour with other women (the young woman at church, and your sister), I would not blame this on midlife crisis. It sounds as though he is struggling with a deeper issue.

The only suggestion I can make is that the two of you seek marriage counselling, as obviously there is a problem in your marriage. Perhaps he would then see the need for some indvidual therapy to deal with his need to 'hit' on other women.

Noel