is wife still attractive?

by peace
(ny)

after 32 years I find that my husband needs porn to be aroused, is this normal? Does he feel disgusted with me? I'm not fat, 120 lbs. is all. but I'm aging in the face and body.


is this something that all men feel? Do we even need to try anymore? Maybe it's just the mental relationship that matters at this point? Should I just buy him a Playboy subscription and let him have his fantasies? Does he even want me anymore now that I'm aging?

I still Love him so much and think he's beautiful but I want him to be happy too.

Noel's response

As you have been married 32 years, I assume you are in your 50s. This is a difficult decade for many people - men and women.

Women, during and after menopause, begin to show their age more, and often lose interest in sex. Some put on a lot of weight (which you have not). You don't mention whether you still get aroused on your own, or are just a 'willing partner'.

Men begin to lose erectile strength, libido, self-confidence, and interest in things they used to be passionate about. They sometimes begin to worry about whether they are still attractive to other women, and fantasize about having a horny younger woman wanting them.

Men and women both tend to define themselves partly by their attractiveness to others, as we are, among other things, sexual beings.

Men sometimes need and image of an 'idealized lover' in their minds in order to feel aroused as they age, as they have not yet internalized the inner feminine. I have a chapter about this in A Harley or My Wife.

Perhaps your husband is struggling with some of this, but doesn't know it. Perhaps you are less interested in sex than you used to be, which might make it more difficult for him to get aroused.

After age 50 there is often a transition to what is called a 'companionable marriage', where sex is not as important, which is not to say it simply ends, but it isn't as dominant in the marriage. The transition to this stage can be a bit of a struggle.

Comments for is wife still attractive?

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Nov 15, 2011
a common problem
by: Anonymous

Having been married 33 yrs, I have found that this is the norm and not an exception. I know men who have left beautiful loving wives trying to regain the thrills of a new lover. Most end up regretting their decision, but I have felt envious of their return to the excitement of dating a new woman. After 33 yrs of marriage with sex 2-3 times a week it is difficult to have highly exciting sex. I wish I could have both worlds but that is impossible. We have a warm and loving relationship that is just too valuable to endanger with cheating. I would suggest reading statistics on how many men regret leaving their wives for the excitement of sex with a new women. Some people I know have gotten back together, but the trust is hard to repair. I know only one couple who tried swinging to spice up their sex life. It was at the husband's urgings, but 2 yrs later she fell in love with one of her swinging partners and divorced him. A case study of only one, but swinging is loaded with land mines that could explode even a strong marriage. As I approach 60 I do intend to have regular sex, but with fewer body shaking orgasms. The moderator mentioned marriages going into another phase, and he/she is absolutely correct. I think a man wouldn't be a man if he did not experience a little mid life crisis. Just be aware of what you are given up if you are tempted to cheat on your wife.

Sep 23, 2011
Get out for awhile...
by: Anonymous

Get out....go find somebody that is attracted to you....this will all come back to bite him in the ass someday and then he will want you back and hopefully you will be to busy....

Sep 12, 2011
I WANT DESIRE BACK!!
by: Anonymous

I am mad. Frustated! A marriage of companionship. Of convience! For who? The man? I love my husband. But its getting harder to want to stay. I miss sex. I miss desire from my husband. They seem to be all the same. They can point out a nice babe but not desire you? We try too keep up with our looks. And they also are aging. So take a look at yourselves. You are also not the hottie anymore either. I want to scream! So tired of desire! I want to run away and have have sex and desire before I die. I will do without the love. Because if this is how it feels, who needs love!
Celtic

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