is wife still attractive?

by peace
(ny)

after 32 years I find that my husband needs porn to be aroused, is this normal? Does he feel disgusted with me? I'm not fat, 120 lbs. is all. but I'm aging in the face and body.

is this something that all men feel? Do we even need to try anymore? Maybe it's just the mental relationship that matters at this point? Should I just buy him a Playboy subscription and let him have his fantasies? Does he even want me anymore now that I'm aging?

I still Love him so much and think he's beautiful but I want him to be happy too.

Noel's response

As you have been married 32 years, I assume you are in your 50s. This is a difficult decade for many people - men and women.

Women, during and after menopause, begin to show their age more, and often lose interest in sex. Some put on a lot of weight (which you have not). You don't mention whether you still get aroused on your own, or are just a 'willing partner'.

Men begin to lose erectile strength, libido, self-confidence, and interest in things they used to be passionate about. They sometimes begin to worry about whether they are still attractive to other women, and fantasize about having a horny younger woman wanting them.

Men and women both tend to define themselves partly by their attractiveness to others, as we are, among other things, sexual beings.

Men sometimes need and image of an 'idealized lover' in their minds in order to feel aroused as they age, as they have not yet internalized the inner feminine. I have a chapter about this in A Harley or My Wife.

Perhaps your husband is struggling with some of this, but doesn't know it. Perhaps you are less interested in sex than you used to be, which might make it more difficult for him to get aroused.

After age 50 there is often a transition to what is called a 'companionable marriage', where sex is not as important, which is not to say it simply ends, but it isn't as dominant in the marriage. The transition to this stage can be a bit of a struggle.