lack of intimacy

by CARA
(MARYLAND)

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED ONE YEAR, AND BEEN TOGETHER 5 YEARS. I HAVE 3 CHILDREN, 2 THAT LIVE WITH US AND HE HAS ONE ALSO FROM PREVIOUS MARRIAGE THAT LIVES AWAY.


THE FIRST YEAR WE LIVED SEPARATE, INTIMACY WAS GOOD WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER, SEX WAS GOOD NEVER GREAT BUT GOOD.

MY PREVIOUS TWO RELATIONSHIPS SEX WAS PASSIONATE, I FELT DESIRED ALL THE TIME. MY RELATIONSHIP NOW FOR THE PAST COUPLE YEARS HAS MADE ME FEEL OLD, AND NOT DESIRED. I FEEL NOW I MAY HAVE MARRIED FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

HE IS 48 I AM 40, HE HAS HAD THE SAME JOB FOR 25 YEARS, OWNS HIS OWN HOUSE VERY STABLE PERSON. I KNEW YEARS AGO HE WAS NOT A TOUCHY-FEELY KINDA PERSON, DOESN'T GIVE COMPLIMENTS, EVEN ON OUR HONEYMOON LAST YEAR WE ONLY HAD SEX LIKE TWICE, AND IT WASN'T GOOD.

HE HAD TO GO ON VIAGRA LITTLE OVER YEAR AGO. IT WORKS GREAT, PROBLEM I THINK IS, HE IS VERY SMALL. I AM USE TO DIFFERENT. I MARRIED HIM CAUSE HE'S A GOOD PERSON, AND LOVES ME, BUT HE ALWAYS SAYS HE FEELS OUR AGE DIFFERENCE IS A PROBLEM, HE FEELS I AM BORED CAUSE HE KNOWS MY SEXUAL PAST.

I ALWAYS TOLD MYSELF THAT SEX IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT IN A MARRIAGE IT'S THE INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS IN OTHER WAYS. UNFORTUNATELY, THAT IS MY BIG COMPLAINT, I DON'T GET THAT AT ALL. I DON'T FEEL DESIRED, I STAY IN GOOD SHAPE, AND CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK.

I'VE ASKED HIM TO GO FOR WALKS WITH ME OR EXERCISE WITH ME WHICH I DON'T DO ALL THE TIME, AND HE SAYS HE'S NOT INTO THAT. HE'S GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT SINCE WE MET DUE TO BEER DRINKING, HE'S ALSO BIG VODKA DRINKER, I DON'T FIND HIM SEXY ANYMORE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO PART OF ME THINKS BEST THING TO DO IS MOVE BACK INTO MY HOUSE AND BE SINGLE AGAIN. I FEEL LIFE IS TO SHORT, I WANT TO ENJOY EVERY PART OF IT TO THE FULLEST.

Noel's response

I recommend marriage counseling if he is willing to go. It is probably a given that he will not change in his basic nature, and the current situation re: intimacy is not likely to change very much, although counseling could help some.

If he is drinking a lot, he may be an alcoholic, and if you suspect he is, I recommend you go to some Alanon meetings to get some help for yourself, and maybe find a way to help him get sober.

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