Life didn't turn out the way I thought, and it is bothering me

The Question

I am not sure if I am having a mid-life crisis or am just depressed.

I am a 46 year old male, married for 25 years with no children. I was pretty much happy with my life until about a week ago.

I was talking to an old girlfriend (no interest in) on a internet web site. I saw pictures of her and her family and her life and thought how well her life has turned out. We talked about marriage a long time ago and I feel that she married much better than me.

She has the big fancy house and vacations to different Islands and to beautiful kids. I have none of that.

We do alright but not that good. My wife has an auto immune disease which prevented her from carrying children.I do not blame her in any way but I do feel sad and guilty that I can not carry on my family's last name. I know most of this is just macho pride stuff but I do feel strongly about it. Other than feeling sorrow and guilt my life is fine or at least I thought it was.

Is this just a phase or should I talk to someone? I really can't talk to my wife because I know she would blame herself when really it's not her fault. Most of my close friends are women so I don't think they would understand the pride and sense of duty issue I am having.

I know I have it better then a lot of people and I shouldn't be thinking that I want more because I really don't need more. Any suggestions?

Noel's response

It does sound as though you are going through a phase, or transition. In my late forties and early fifties, I found myself 'mulling over' my life, and remembering old relationships (for example my high school girlfriend) and realizing that some of the ways I though my life would turn out, were not going to turn out that way.

That being said, you might well benefit from speaking to a counselor or psychotherapist, in order to help you process some of the feelings and thoughts you are having.

I also suggest a full medical with your doctor, in case there is some medical condition. You may also be suffering a certain amount of depression, which is common among middle aged men, and which may require a bit of medication.

Noel