Looking for Info about what they are going through!

by NWF
(NH, USA)

Hello Noel,


I have written to you before-a while back and I do respond to others Q's and try to help them if I am able.

*** I am wondering what kind of Q's you get from these men going thru their transition/crisis (if it becomes a crisis). I would appreciate getting some of their correspondence sent to my email also.

My H has been gone for 2 years now and we are not divorced yet due to his not liking the final orders from the family court so he filed for an Appeal with the state Supreme Court over the alimony. He probably won't win but he has "magical thinking" and thinks because he wants to "win", that he will! His affair is still going on--2.5 years now but it has problems now I think.

I tried to discipline my 15 year old son, 1.5 years ago, and he ran to his dad. His dad has brainwashed him into believing that I am the bad guy here and this whole mess is my fault. When I try to talk with my son, I get his anger and he bullies me--if he even talks to me. I stopped calling often and only call every few weeks now since he upsets me so much--just like his father does. His father thinks this OK and excuses it--like all of his other excuses for his poor behavior. My son didn't want to see his father for the first 10 months until this incident occurred and now he has turned the tables onto me. I have lost so much: my H, my son, and my home was sold in April of this year.

I think there is more going on here than just a midlife crisis. I think my H has a character disorder and has since before I met him almost 20 years ago, his anger is too great and thinking processes are too messed up for only a midlife crisis. I have read your book, the IMS book, In Sheep's Clothing by George Simon Jr. and his new book Character Disturbance, as well as a few other books on this issue (the midlife wives club book included).
My H has to "win at any cost" and it has cost us both greatly for the lawyers and the sale of our home at below market value. I can't stop any of this since my H filed for the D 2.5 years ago and will not negotiate anything with me--it's his way or the highway and has been for many years before this started. Looking back, I can see many things wrong for 10 years or so including his depression. I also think he didn't like losing ALL of my attention ever since my son was born almost 17 years ago now. He is like a child: thinks and acts like a spoiled child with no responsibility for any of it. Great!! Now, there are two 16 year olds living in the same house with no supervision!!! I am so frustrated over all of this. Any good advice for me on any of this???

Regards, NWF

Noel's response

About the only advice I can give is that you move on. I think you probably right in thinking there is more going on than a midlife transition. Your husband does sound like a boy in a man's body.

You can continue to fight him, which may cost you both a lot more money, and eventually the divorce will go through. If there is a way to 'capitulate' and get the thing over with, it might be a good choice.

Good luck!

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Jul 20, 2012
May be narcisistic personality disorder
by: Anonymous

Hi
I have gone through a separation almost 2 years. I don't know and don't care if he files for divorce. I was like you too, trying to find out why our relationship does not work. He is a very intelligent hitech guy who is now an executive with a major software company that I won't mention the name. I have been told by my lawyer that he might have Asperger's. I have been reading books written by Bervely Engle on abusive relationship and there was a book about narcissistic mate. I could understand the personality a little that they could be very charming and sweet talking, very good social skills and good at smooching up to get people to do what they want. However, very self centered and can be very abusive. There are many of people with this trait especially men or women who are successful because they tend to focus on themselves and not other. May be you would want to read the book. About my soon to be ex... I think that he probably has Asperger's due to lack of social skills but just as self-centered. Take care and move on with your life. I would say lay low for a little while and let your son come back to you when he wants to and he probably will see the true face of his father.

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