married friends of the opposite sex

My female friend and I go to lunch about twice a week, just she and I. We are both married with children. We work closely on projects at work and no one can deny the chemistry between us. I enjoy our private lunches and look forward to seeing her at work.


About half of our conversation at lunch is work related and the other half is family. We never see or talk to each other outside of work. I just can't seem to get her out of my mind. I even think if she made reference to having an affair I would agree without hesitation. I would never want to hurt my wife but I need some help here. I am in my forties and this woman is actually about 8 years older than me. Help!

Noel's response

There is a section in my book "A Harley or My Wife" where I talk about projecting the "Helen" (as in Helen of Troy) archetype onto another woman. It is too long to go into here, but the idea is that we sometimes (especially in middle age) no longer see our wife as the idealized lover we did when we got married, as she is now a mother, and we know her so well there is little mystery left.

We now begin to project the idealized lover onto another woman.

If you were to have an affair with this woman, you would soon find that she is just a normal person, and the 'idealized lover' projection would fall away. The danger would be that you would cause irreparable damage to your marriage (and hers), and in the end you would be less happy than you are now!

As with all things in life, this current 'infatuation' with your work mate will pass.

Comments for married friends of the opposite sex

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 12, 2011
Same
by: Anonymous

Situation is what I've been observing at my work place.

Jul 29, 2011
Same here
by: Same here

It sounds like you are describing my situation with one exception: I am the female. And I disagree when you say it will pass. It's been going on like this for over a year now and I can't seem to get him out of my mind. We continue to do our lunches and talk. Nope it hasn't passed for me yet.

Jul 28, 2011
Need to Read
by: Anonymous

You need to read the book Not Just Friends. Very insightful and could help you not make the biggest mistake of your life.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.