Men who have affairs and leave home

by Jekyll
(England)

Question


My husband left home six weeks ago, and is living at his mother's. I found texts from a woman he had been seeing. He said the relationship had only been going on a few weeks and that they hadn't slept together.

I gave him the choice of staying but not seeing the woman, or going. He decided to go. However through the very few conversations we've had he maintains it's not a heavy relationship, but more of a friend.

He's told me his whole life has been a lie, he's trapped, he's never loved me and doesn't even like me. We have been married 21 years and have two children of 17 and 13. He hasn't even maintained connection with them.

He is behaving very coldly and is convinced that I have spoiled his life in someway and is consumed with anger. I need to have a sensible conversation which he is avoiding and I try not to phone but then I get anxious and give in. He's 48 years old and has had a lot of worry about work. I don't know how to live in this limbo land.

Noel's answer

I suggest you not put up with any verbal abuse from him (hang up the phone if he starts in on you), and let him know you are available for a reasonable conversation regarding things you both need to be involved in, such as child care and support.

Let him know that whether he likes it or not, he is your children's father, and you expect him to act like one.

All his blather about his life being a lie, etc. is simply his way of trying to shift blame away from himself, and onto you. He is the only one who is responsible for how he has lived his life, and he can change it any time he wants.

To get out of the limbo-land, you will need to decide what you want your life to be like, with or without him, and then move forward. If he becomes too difficult to deal with, see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

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